I am so scared

[hamvil]

I am so scared. I am so scared that I will never be able to kill myself and that I will live the rest of my life like I am now. I am scared that I will wake with suicidal ideas all day and that I will go to bed feeling trapped in my mind. I am scared that I will have to wait for nature to take its course.

I am 43, unless an accident happens or I get sick I could probably live another 40 years... 40 years. I am unable to look after myself and I am already making one poor choice after the other every day. My wife has not idea of this but at some point I will make some really big mistake and I may endup hurting other people.

Is there anybody else that also has the same feeling? That is scared that this hell will be with us for decades?

 

[catflowers]

chill dude i feel the same but i am not scared shitless
i know we are all gonna die but you have to realize that your mid life crisis is my teen angst
your wife doesn't need to know your homicidal thoughts
dude you can look after yourself at 43 by making sure you eat well and get exercise
teen years are very depressing to me because it's like nobody cares
i cant see myself living to 20 dude i am gonna take sn tomorrow and end my horrible fucking life i keep trying to put it off but i am going to do it for real tomorrow my seasonal depression has won

 

[hamvil]

chill dude i feel the same but i am not scared shitless
i know we are all gonna die but you have to realize that your mid life crisis is my teen angst
your wife doesn't need to know your homicidal thoughts
dude you can look after yourself at 43 by making sure you eat well and get exercise
teen years are very depressing to me because it's like nobody cares
i cant see myself living to 20 dude i am gonna take sn tomorrow and end my horrible fucking life i keep trying to put it off but i am going to do it for real tomorrow my seasonal depression has won

It is not nice to call my pain "my midlife crisis". It is not. It is much deep than that. Nobody cares about me as well. I have no friends, no real intimate relationship. I know I will never again succeed at anything. I really hope you manage to find what you are looking for. If taking your life is what you need I hope you can find the motivation to do it. I surely wish I had it.

 

[summers]

I am so scared. I am so scared that I will never be able to kill myself and that I will live the rest of my life like I am now. I am scared that I will wake with suicidal ideas all day and that I will go to bed feeling trapped in my mind. I am scared that I will have to wait for nature to take its course.

I am 43, unless an accident happens or I get sick I could probably live another 40 years... 40 years. I am unable to look after myself and I am already making one poor choice after the other every day. My wife has not idea of this but at some point I will make some really big mistake and I may endup hurting other people.

Is there anybody else that also has the same feeling? That is scared that this hell will be with us for decades?

Tbh, if that's how you feel, better plan to live another 40 years.

 

[catflowers]

It is not nice to call my pain "my midlife crisis". It is not. It is much deep than that. Nobody cares about me as well. I have no friends, no real intimate relationship. I know I will never again succeed at anything. I really hope you manage to find what you are looking for. If taking your life is what you need I hope you can find the motivation to do it. I surely wish I had it.

sorry i did not mean to offend you it's just hard to exist and yeah i don't have anything going on

 

[hamvil]

Tbh, if that's how you feel, better plan to live another 40 years.

I know... still scary

 

[summers]

My wife has not idea of this but at some point I will make some really big mistake and I may endup hurting other people.

It is not nice to call my pain "my midlife crisis". It is not. It is much deep than that. Nobody cares about me as well. I have no friends, no real intimate relationship. I know I will never again succeed at anything. I really hope you manage to find what you are looking for. If taking your life is what you need I hope you can find the motivation to do it. I surely wish I had it.

So you don't have any intimate relationships, but you have a wife...

sorry i did not mean to offend you it's just hard to exist and yeah i don't have anything going on

Don't apologize, Seems like this dude is a troll who contradicted himself in just a few posts in the same thread.

 

[hamvil]

sorry i did not mean to offend you it's just hard to exist and yeah i don't have anything going on

that's ok, yes it is hard to exists also for me. love.

So you don't have any intimate relationships, but you have a wife...

Don't apologize, Seems like this dude is a troll who contradicted himself in just a few posts in the same thread.

Why this hate? I am married but I am not touching my wife since several years. I do not feel any attraction anymore for many different reason.

If I contradicted myself I did not do it on purpose, please point me the contraddiciton and I will try to explain myself better.

 

[summers]

Why this hate? I am married but I am not touching my wife since several years. I do not feel any attraction anymore for many different reason.

If sex is the only form of intimacy you know, no wonder your marriage is in trouble... Typically intimacy, love, and passion lead to sex, not the other way around.

 

[catflowers]

that's ok, yes it is hard to exists also for me. love.

Why this hate? I am married but I am not touching my wife since several years. I do not feel any attraction anymore for many different reason.

If I contradicted myself I did not do it on purpose, please point me the contraddiciton and I will try to explain myself better.

hamvil you need a divorce if you don't touch your wife

 

[hamvil]

If sex is the only form of intimacy you know, no wonder your marriage is in trouble... Typically intimacy, love, and passion lead to sex, not the other way around.

I did not write that. Why are you so aggressive? We do not hug, we have no intimacy, i feel no love or passion. There are many reason we got to this point and it would take a long time to list 20 years of relationship. We married because of an immature love and we did not have anything real in common.

hamvil you need a divorce if you don't touch your wife

She is the only person I have in my life. I have no friends. I will never get another woman. I am just socially retarded and cannot really communicate with other people. She takes care of me and that is enough.

 

[summers]

I did not write that. Why are you so aggressive? We do not hug, we have no intimacy, i feel no love or passion. There are many reason we got to this point and it would take a long time to list 20 years of relationship. We married because of an immature love and we did not have anything real in common.

It's not being aggressive, it's just speaking the truth. You've wasted years in a marriage neither you nor your wife are happy in. You obviously love her if you're worried about hurting her.

What happens if you don't ctb? Both of you are miserable for the next 20 years? What kind of life is that?

 

[hamvil]

It's not being aggressive, it's just speaking the truth. You've wasted years in a marriage neither you nor your wife are happy in. You obviously love her if you're worried about hurting her.

What happens if you don't ctb? Both of you are miserable for the next 20 years? What kind of life is that?

yes both of us will be in this way for the next 40 years. That is scary. This forum is an attempt at gathering the courage to do it.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, I do understand how you feel. It's horrifying the thought of suffering until old age. I'm only 21 and if I don't find a way to ctb this could go on for many more decades. Of course the reason as to why I'm still alive is because suicide really isn't easy for me. I have limited access to methods and there is the fear of failure.

It's just so awful how life can torture us in so many ways and I hate how we live in a world where the society makes dying as difficult for us as possible. They should just make N easily accessible for us all as after all the dead cannot suffer and I see no point to enduring life just to die eventually anyway. Staying alive is only delaying the inevitable. To be born into a world like this is such a terrible thing to happen.
Also take no notice of those who invalidate/dismiss suffering. They will simply never be able to understand as they are not living your life.

 

[waitingforrest]

A relateable fear you have. The feeling of being stuck, a wish to be done, but the same thoughts that burden us are the same that make us hesitate. Becoming a prisoner of our own mind.
I hope you eventually find the answers you seek. I'm just as scared as you are. If it was possible, I'd gladly send you a hug instead of typing out paragraphs.