Venting I am so pathetic

[suburban111]

I'm going to CTB because of a guy. I'm obsessed with him and he wants nothing to do with me anymore. He has such good taste in shows and music, and so I can't enjoy either anymore, because everything I like or want to get into reminds me of him. He is so smart and funny, more than any guy I've ever met, and he has a good social life and lifelong friendships that I am so jealous of. He is the most attractive man ever and extremely sexually compatible. Sex has been completely ruined for me. I was inexperienced before him, and now after him I can't enjoy it with anyone else. I can't even get myself off anymore, because I just think of him and I feel sick and start crying. Every other guy is so unappealing to me. For a while I really thought he liked me, he acted I was too good for him, but I realize that he is leagues above me. I am ugly and have no personality or interests anymore, of course he wouldn't like me. I felt lied to and used by him, but I wish I could go back to being used by him because that's the best I deserve from him anyway.

It has been a year since I talked to him, because he blocked me, and I feel worse every day. I can't exist without being in intense pain. I feel like nobody understands, everyone else is able to just get over people, especially people they never even dated. Something is so wrong with my brain, I know I am so insane because of this, I have acted insane over it too which makes me feel like a bad person and want to CTB even more. Does anyone else relate to this? I feel so alone in having this be my reason. Something is so uniquely wrong with me. I have tried everything to get better (therapy, EMDR, medication, spravato) and nothing makes any difference. I cannot live without him.

 

[Zegers]

There are many cool guys in the world, don't give up because one ignore you, it happens.

 

[LoveYoux]

It's only for now x

 

[ko.atwd]

i'm sorry that you're going through this. it's not pathetic. it can be extremely hard to control your emotions even in the best of circumstances, and when it comes to romantic feelings for other people i think it's even harder to feel like how you think you "should" feel. i haven't had your exact experience but i've gotten very low after a couple of relationships ended (and you did have some kind of relationship with this person, even if you didn't date) so i can relate somewhat. i wish i had some profound wisdom that could help, but really i just went into day-to-day survival mode until it eventually got better and that is not happening for you. i think more people can relate to what you're feeling than you think, especially here.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

 

[freedompass]

I'm going to CTB because of a guy. I'm obsessed with him and he wants nothing to do with me anymore. He has such good taste in shows and music, and so I can't enjoy either anymore, because everything I like or want to get into reminds me of him. He is so smart and funny, more than any guy I've ever met, and he has a good social life and lifelong friendships that I am so jealous of. He is the most attractive man ever and extremely sexually compatible. Sex has been completely ruined for me. I was inexperienced before him, and now after him I can't enjoy it with anyone else. I can't even get myself off anymore, because I just think of him and I feel sick and start crying. Every other guy is so unappealing to me. For a while I really thought he liked me, he acted I was too good for him, but I realize that he is leagues above me. I am ugly and have no personality or interests anymore, of course he wouldn't like me. I felt lied to and used by him, but I wish I could go back to being used by him because that's the best I deserve from him anyway.

It has been a year since I talked to him, because he blocked me, and I feel worse every day. I can't exist without being in intense pain. I feel like nobody understands, everyone else is able to just get over people, especially people they never even dated. Something is so wrong with my brain, I know I am so insane because of this, I have acted insane over it too which makes me feel like a bad person and want to CTB even more. Does anyone else relate to this? I feel so alone in having this be my reason. Something is so uniquely wrong with me. I have tried everything to get better (therapy, EMDR, medication, spravato) and nothing makes any difference. I cannot live without him.

Maybe you have BPD. It's not unique to get obsessed or find yourself unable to move on from thoughts of that person. I was just now watching a True Crime episode about a young woman who murders her ex in the most grisly way possible after stalking him and generally being the nightmare psycho ex. That doesn't sound like you thankfully. Though ctb over this guy you never even dated sounds equally extreme in its way. He used you for sex? Hmmm so he's not quite the paragon of goodness you describe.

Try to do things you enjoy and are good at to reconnect and centre yourself. Build up a sense of your own dignity and self respect. Treat your body with kindness and care. I know how it feels to love someone that doesn't love you ending up with no return for your emotional investment. By blocking you he made his feelings clear, unlike the girl's ex who strung her along. Think of it as he did you a favour. It wasn't to be.

 

[suburban111]

There are many cool guys in the world, don't give up because one ignore you, it happens.

I know, I've met them. I've tried to give them a chance, I've tried to force myself to be interested, but I just don't want them.

 

[jamie_]

in exactly the same boat as you. literally everything about life is a reminder of her. so long spent together being told i was their the perfect person for them and the one to be the father of their children and then getting replaced by someone else in an instance

 

[suburban111]

Maybe you have BPD. It's not unique to get obsessed or find yourself unable to move on from thoughts of that person. I was just now watching a True Crime episode about a young woman who murders her ex in the most grisly way possible after stalking him and generally being the nightmare psycho ex. That doesn't sound like you thankfully. Though ctb over this guy you never even dated sounds equally extreme in its way. He used you for sex? Hmmm so he's not quite the paragon of goodness you describe.

Try to do things you enjoy and are good at to reconnect and centre yourself. Build up a sense of your own dignity and self respect. Treat your body with kindness and care. I know how it feels to love someone that doesn't love you ending up with no return for your emotional investment. By blocking you he made his feelings clear, unlike the girl's ex who strung her along. Think of it as he did you a favour. It wasn't to be.

I've talked to my therapist about maybe having BPD, she said it's definitely possible but that I don't meet all the criteria either. We've worked on DBT skills but they haven't helped much. I talked to my psychiatrist too but she acted like I was over psychoanalyzing myself.

And yeah he wasn't exactly nice to me. He did string me along for around two years and was kinda manipulative, the reason he blocked me was because I called him out for that, and I regret doing that so much. Even knowing that, I can't stop admiring all the other things about him and getting jealous of the people he does treat with respect.

I've tried to do things I enjoy, but I don't enjoy anything anymore, either because I lost interest or it reminds me of him. I've tried to hang out with friends but I feel so empty and disconnected from them.

 

[Twiceler]

I'm going to CTB because of a guy. I'm obsessed with him and he wants nothing to do with me anymore. He has such good taste in shows and music, and so I can't enjoy either anymore, because everything I like or want to get into reminds me of him. He is so smart and funny, more than any guy I've ever met, and he has a good social life and lifelong friendships that I am so jealous of. He is the most attractive man ever and extremely sexually compatible. Sex has been completely ruined for me. I was inexperienced before him, and now after him I can't enjoy it with anyone else. I can't even get myself off anymore, because I just think of him and I feel sick and start crying. Every other guy is so unappealing to me. For a while I really thought he liked me, he acted I was too good for him, but I realize that he is leagues above me. I am ugly and have no personality or interests anymore, of course he wouldn't like me. I felt lied to and used by him, but I wish I could go back to being used by him because that's the best I deserve from him anyway.

It has been a year since I talked to him, because he blocked me, and I feel worse every day. I can't exist without being in intense pain. I feel like nobody understands, everyone else is able to just get over people, especially people they never even dated. Something is so wrong with my brain, I know I am so insane because of this, I have acted insane over it too which makes me feel like a bad person and want to CTB even more. Does anyone else relate to this? I feel so alone in having this be my reason. Something is so uniquely wrong with me. I have tried everything to get better (therapy, EMDR, medication, spravato) and nothing makes any difference. I cannot live without him.

I want to be that guy. I would definitely not break up with a person who loves me. Now I want to ctb even more. You remind me when I met a girl at 16. She was smart and funny too, with a good social life which I had not. We weren't in any relationships but i knew her close enough (we saw each other for a month maybe, without interactions). I was so obsessed with her and extremely envious of her. I've ruined my life since then planning to ctb. Now she's over 20 (same as me) and I'm sure she's fine.

 

[AloneInCollege]

I can relate to parts of your experience. I was in love with my friend who does not feel the same way, and I don't think they like me very much as a friend either. But trying to get over feelings is hard. We're still friends, though I haven't seen her in person since may and haven't even texted her in like over 2 weeks. Things remind you of this person, and it's hard. I still think about her quite often, but I'm trying not to, especially since I plan to CTB before college starts up again. I think that you'll still think about this person, you'll still be reminded of them, but that will slowly fade, you have to realize they take up so much space in your head and slowly start to reclaim it. Maybe in the future you'll think about him and go "oh yeah" and that's it. Emotions are always difficult but they fade. Very slowly though.