I-can-only-imagine
Student
- Apr 26, 2021
- 135
Sorry guys, Just need to rant and offload to people who understand as i am so conflicted.
Life has got even crazier which I never thought would be possible and now my head is constantly feeling like it is going to explode. I moved house - within itself a major stress. I unpacked 90% of the house in two days whilst going through a manic episode. After that i crashed and had no energy for 5 days.
I cannot get through an evening without alcohol. Yet it makes me feel bloated and fat and causes head spins in the morning - my dependence has got to where I have had 2 nights where I have no memory after a point because I drank that much. Last night i managed to go without alcohol just to test myself. It was so hard.
When I moved house, the community mental health team from my previous area transferred me to the community mental health team here where i now live. I have tried calling and they said I had to wait to be referred properly and that it was not as simple as just calling like I had been told. I was told to await their call. They called on monday and left a message basically saying "if you feel unsafe please call this number". I have not heard from them since. It is on my to-do list to call them tomorrow.
However I am back to being highly suicidal. The number of times i have come SO close to trying again but couldnt because I had had alcohol and not fasted so my SN would have likely not have been as successful. I am torn as I am now living in the area where I can be signed up to re-do DBT which everyone swears i need to re-do. So there is a large part of me that wants to attempt with something that is not likely to kill me, but will make me fairly unwell and hospitalise me. OR do i just give in and say fuck it and plan a day for SN.
The one light at the end of the tunnel was my job., But now that has become such a conflicting and confusing mess, including having my registration as a medical professional suspended until i have had an independant psychiatrist assessment and an assessment based on a panel of my co-workers as to what i need to do and then jump through so many hoops. This has added to my stress levels exponentially as my job and me moving here for this job was the one thing that was battling against my suicidal ideations. Now that has got so complicated i dont know i have the energy or the strength or even the willpower to try and jump through the hoops.
Im just done. So do i try once more to get the help everyone says is 'the magic fix' even though i have done it in the past or do i just say im done and i have tried until i just cant. I wish i could just step out of my own head for one day!
Life has got even crazier which I never thought would be possible and now my head is constantly feeling like it is going to explode. I moved house - within itself a major stress. I unpacked 90% of the house in two days whilst going through a manic episode. After that i crashed and had no energy for 5 days.
I cannot get through an evening without alcohol. Yet it makes me feel bloated and fat and causes head spins in the morning - my dependence has got to where I have had 2 nights where I have no memory after a point because I drank that much. Last night i managed to go without alcohol just to test myself. It was so hard.
When I moved house, the community mental health team from my previous area transferred me to the community mental health team here where i now live. I have tried calling and they said I had to wait to be referred properly and that it was not as simple as just calling like I had been told. I was told to await their call. They called on monday and left a message basically saying "if you feel unsafe please call this number". I have not heard from them since. It is on my to-do list to call them tomorrow.
However I am back to being highly suicidal. The number of times i have come SO close to trying again but couldnt because I had had alcohol and not fasted so my SN would have likely not have been as successful. I am torn as I am now living in the area where I can be signed up to re-do DBT which everyone swears i need to re-do. So there is a large part of me that wants to attempt with something that is not likely to kill me, but will make me fairly unwell and hospitalise me. OR do i just give in and say fuck it and plan a day for SN.
The one light at the end of the tunnel was my job., But now that has become such a conflicting and confusing mess, including having my registration as a medical professional suspended until i have had an independant psychiatrist assessment and an assessment based on a panel of my co-workers as to what i need to do and then jump through so many hoops. This has added to my stress levels exponentially as my job and me moving here for this job was the one thing that was battling against my suicidal ideations. Now that has got so complicated i dont know i have the energy or the strength or even the willpower to try and jump through the hoops.
Im just done. So do i try once more to get the help everyone says is 'the magic fix' even though i have done it in the past or do i just say im done and i have tried until i just cant. I wish i could just step out of my own head for one day!
