Venting I am so messed up ( another rant, ignore )

[Buh-bye!]

Everything written here would be sorta pointless except for the one use that it might have, it may make me DO my shit tomorrow, act as an alarm of some sort. thus leaving it here as a note.

I thought i was yet again too consumed by the worldly desires and whatnot, the usual shit people escape in ? well figures out i was just escaping too and that's what everybody is doing i know but seems liberating to realize you're not yet trapped in this hole and you Can jump out of it whenever you put your mind to it. i guess i'll put my mind to it in a few days and just leave all of these third grade shitty relief systems behind, exist normally i.e. like a paranoid.
gotta appreciate though, whoever constructed these reliefs to make life(hell) endurable was a genius, it wasn't just something out of the bloom but instead very systematic such that it plays with our brains. once our brain gives up, we give up too.
everyone's chasing a good relief, a good life and whatever just to sugarcoat the heall surrounding us at all times, this all ain't worth shit, not at all worht enduring the resultant pain for. and even if there was a chance, there ain't for me and i know that, i have failed so too many times that i am not looking forward to giving anything another go. i'd quit real soon just gotta put my mind to practicing again. it's quite hard to die, peacefullly ofc. unless i were to jump off a roof, that would tarnish a lot of lives.

 

[Buh-bye!]

there is no social life for me, me people think of me as weird and i can't stand how they make me feel what they feel about me. not in an agitated manner but just in a disappointed or hurt sort of way. i have been going through such shitty times that even the worst of interactions don't seem to matter me. in every situation i am just looking for the good that it causes to me or how good it makes me feel, i don't care about the damage it's doing to me or to any other person around me. lacking empathy is something but being so weird and alienated that you can't feel your own shit either is just messed up.

my brain i like that of a child right now, they seem stuck on toys and cakes and toys and cakes, nothing else really matters. i guess the extreme privileged lifestyle that i am living right now, that too on someone else's expense is making me feel like it's okay to think/act like a child since i do not have to think for myself. i am just wrong and let's see how long i stay wrong
i even started to look at the people here like a community, which, in a way is wrong to me. i don't prefer grouping people, every individual here matters and i can't just thnk of this place as a space for depressed people or sumn, not that i thought of it that way but grouping things is sort of like that. this sort of thinking is sheer disrespect to every single person here which i unknowingly caused. being aware now, i hope not to repeat that mistake and treat every individual with respect in my mind even thou