etherealgoddess
perseverance is inevitable success
- Dec 8, 2022
- 278
I feel like I am way too nice for this world. Social situations piss me off because people have no social etiquette. People just constantly manipulate and triangulate. It bothers me so much because people are simply not emotionally regulated.
I feel so angry about my childhood. The more I get in my body from healing, the more I realize how bad my childhood was. I always knew LOGICALLY that my childhood was bad because I remember how bad I felt and how many times my childhood self would ask herself, "If I was an adult, what would I think about this?" I didn't really know if my situation was that bad until I got older and had an ex boyfriend tell me that my family was abnormal. When people would hear my mom scream like a lunatic in the background, best believe that friendship broke apart very shortly after that because they thought my family was insane. People would see just a snippet of my life and run away. I had to deal with it for 10 years constantly.
I feel so upset because I had to fall so behind because of my mom's abuse. She's still emotionally abusive to this day. She constantly blames everyone for anything. There is never a moment where she will apologize. She complained the other day about how I am a vampire who sucks her blood and that the past couple days that she was extremely stressed out because of me. Wow, I screamed like once at her. Does she remember screaming at me at a 10/10 level every single day at least 3 times a day? But when I do it once when I am stressed, all of a sudden I am the bad guy. And she's a "wonderful parent" by the way. That's her words, not anyone else's words. Everyone else in the family dislikes her. And she acts like the victim. She always feel like she is targeted even though she is the best parent even though she is not.
Being abused literally ruined every part of my life. It destroyed my self esteem, which made me very vulnerable to bullying. Being alone was so bad that I would rather hang with an abusive friend group than risk being alone. It was too scary for me. It made me desperate for any kind of love, and people exploited that and bullied me for that vulnerability. It made me insanely sensitive to any kind of social rejection. It gave me extremely severe headaches, severe anxiety, psychosis (Thank God it wasn't too destructive besides just being immobile), and made me lose my will to live. My mom only stopped screaming at her when I told her that I genuinely would kill myself if she wouldn't stop. I was very serious about it. And she knew I was serious because I had already attempted in the past. That's when she finally stopped the abuse. And now that she hasn't used me as a punching bag for the past couple of years, her mental health has spiraled down. And fuck her. I do not care. She wasn't supposed to use me as a punching bag. And now she faces her karma.
It made me addicted to the worst kind of relationships. It made me cringe when people were actually nice to me. I was drawn to people who were emotionally cold or hated me because that's what I had experienced my whole life. It was the only kind of relationship that made me feel comfortable. Everything else felt too cringey for me.
It's made me fall so behind in academics. I had severe ADHD. Severe everything. My dad was not understanding. He just allowed all the abuse to happen and was surprised why I was suffering. If I were to go back in time, I would have reported my parents to CPS and get the fuck out of there. He would tell me during COVID, "There are statistics that 40% of girls have mental health issues, but they're still doing their work." I was screamed at every single day constantly, my parents tried to cut me off from the outside world by not allowing me to go out and not allowing me access to the internet because "I had too much screen time," and THEN they were surprised I was struggling and had no will to live. I remember my eyes were constantly were halfway closed like a person on weed because I had so much depression and pain on my chest.
The worst part is I feel like not a lot of people relate. I remember talking to a guy I liked, and of course as abused people, we have some extreme way to cope. I had a hypersexual phase. And he really judged me for it. It's this crushing feeling that everyone just crushes you to the ground. No one even cares about the struggles I have gone through. They don't think about what let me down that path or how far I have come. It's like I feel crushed from all sides. It hurts so badly.
I feel so angry about my childhood. The more I get in my body from healing, the more I realize how bad my childhood was. I always knew LOGICALLY that my childhood was bad because I remember how bad I felt and how many times my childhood self would ask herself, "If I was an adult, what would I think about this?" I didn't really know if my situation was that bad until I got older and had an ex boyfriend tell me that my family was abnormal. When people would hear my mom scream like a lunatic in the background, best believe that friendship broke apart very shortly after that because they thought my family was insane. People would see just a snippet of my life and run away. I had to deal with it for 10 years constantly.
I feel so upset because I had to fall so behind because of my mom's abuse. She's still emotionally abusive to this day. She constantly blames everyone for anything. There is never a moment where she will apologize. She complained the other day about how I am a vampire who sucks her blood and that the past couple days that she was extremely stressed out because of me. Wow, I screamed like once at her. Does she remember screaming at me at a 10/10 level every single day at least 3 times a day? But when I do it once when I am stressed, all of a sudden I am the bad guy. And she's a "wonderful parent" by the way. That's her words, not anyone else's words. Everyone else in the family dislikes her. And she acts like the victim. She always feel like she is targeted even though she is the best parent even though she is not.
Being abused literally ruined every part of my life. It destroyed my self esteem, which made me very vulnerable to bullying. Being alone was so bad that I would rather hang with an abusive friend group than risk being alone. It was too scary for me. It made me desperate for any kind of love, and people exploited that and bullied me for that vulnerability. It made me insanely sensitive to any kind of social rejection. It gave me extremely severe headaches, severe anxiety, psychosis (Thank God it wasn't too destructive besides just being immobile), and made me lose my will to live. My mom only stopped screaming at her when I told her that I genuinely would kill myself if she wouldn't stop. I was very serious about it. And she knew I was serious because I had already attempted in the past. That's when she finally stopped the abuse. And now that she hasn't used me as a punching bag for the past couple of years, her mental health has spiraled down. And fuck her. I do not care. She wasn't supposed to use me as a punching bag. And now she faces her karma.
It made me addicted to the worst kind of relationships. It made me cringe when people were actually nice to me. I was drawn to people who were emotionally cold or hated me because that's what I had experienced my whole life. It was the only kind of relationship that made me feel comfortable. Everything else felt too cringey for me.
It's made me fall so behind in academics. I had severe ADHD. Severe everything. My dad was not understanding. He just allowed all the abuse to happen and was surprised why I was suffering. If I were to go back in time, I would have reported my parents to CPS and get the fuck out of there. He would tell me during COVID, "There are statistics that 40% of girls have mental health issues, but they're still doing their work." I was screamed at every single day constantly, my parents tried to cut me off from the outside world by not allowing me to go out and not allowing me access to the internet because "I had too much screen time," and THEN they were surprised I was struggling and had no will to live. I remember my eyes were constantly were halfway closed like a person on weed because I had so much depression and pain on my chest.
The worst part is I feel like not a lot of people relate. I remember talking to a guy I liked, and of course as abused people, we have some extreme way to cope. I had a hypersexual phase. And he really judged me for it. It's this crushing feeling that everyone just crushes you to the ground. No one even cares about the struggles I have gone through. They don't think about what let me down that path or how far I have come. It's like I feel crushed from all sides. It hurts so badly.
