I am so glad I stayed, but sometimes I’m not.

[Locolemonlenner_xx]

It has been 3 years, 5 months, and 9 days since I tried to ctb. I am much better now, and I had been getting better for a long time. Until July of this last year. I was groomed. I didn't really realize it. It went on until October. With a new "friend" who I thought was real. I truly fell for it. He was even around my age. But then he invited me over to his house and I went over, we watched a movie, which was a rom-com. So I should've been weirded out there. But then around 3/4th the way through it, he grabbed me. Put his hands in my pants, which was fully unconsensual, and y'know, did stuff. I was very uncomfortable. He started kissing me, and honestly, now I'm afraid I will never be able to kiss again. After that I broke off ties. I finally realized he groomed me in January. I started suffering panic attacks. Every night. Until march. I had another one a few days ago. It was a nightmare and a panic attack. The nightmare was about confronting him.
This has been haunting over me so much. I have classes with him, so I see him everyday. I ended up thinking about trying to ctb, but then I am also TERRIFIED of death. My biggest fear in the world is of me, and/or the ones I love, dying. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thank you.
All I have to think is that:
I wouldn't be going through all of this pain if I ended myself there and then. I want to live, but times like these make me wish I were dead.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I dunno if I have suggestions, yet. I am just here to say that I'm happy that you are still here with us. I had a similar situation years ago, when someone groomed me to be a part of their poly couple and I ended up being assaulted by them in the end. It's not our fault. And most importantly, our abusers do not define us. What they did to us will never define us.

I wouldn't be going through all of this pain if I ended myself there and then. I want to live, but times like these make me wish I were dead.

It's okay to wish for something like this. I hope that you won't be too hard on yourself for how you feel. It sounds fucked up, but you're actually right. You wouldn't be going through this if you ended it. But I think that's even more reason to go on. You survived something like that and you're still here and still fighting; I think that's an amazing thing that takes more strength than most people will know. I'm terrified of death too, so I just take things day by day. I don't know how recently it's happened to you (*I actually do cuz I read again, so disregard this part lol), but for me, time has made things much easier to bare. It's still not a walk in the park though, and it will take a lot of empathy and compassion for yourself, which some of us have to dig really deep to find. I hope that you can take what you've learned about humanity from that situation, honor how you feel in the aftermath of it, and go on. If you want to live, then you deserve to live and you should live. I really hope that one day you find a reason to keep going on. Abusers don't deserve to have the satisfaction of winning their battles when it comes to us. If the only thing driving you forward is spite for what they did to you, I would even understand that.

If you have classes with him, try your best to phase him out. If he tries to reach out again, try your best to ignore him. Even if that means walking away from him in front of others and looking like the villain. There are some people who will just choose his side and we have to be okay with being the villain or aggressor in their fucked up stories. Hopefully next semester, he won't be in a single class with you. And if he is, I think you can catch it early enough to switch classes (if that's an option). But it is really hard to do. If you don't have a support network irl, you have one here.

I wish you luck in everything and if you ever need the extra help or encouragement and are up to it, keep us updated on things.

 

[Locolemonlenner_xx]

I dunno if I have suggestions, yet. I am just here to say that I'm happy that you are still here with us. I had a similar situation years ago, when someone groomed me to be a part of their poly couple and I ended up being assaulted by them in the end. It's not our fault. And most importantly, our abusers do not define us. What they did to us will never define us.

It's okay to wish for something like this. I hope that you won't be too hard on yourself for how you feel. It sounds fucked up, but you're actually right. You wouldn't be going through this if you ended it. But I think that's even more reason to go on. You survived something like that and you're still here and still fighting; I think that's an amazing thing that takes more strength than most people will know. I'm terrified of death too, so I just take things day by day. I don't know how recently it's happened to you (*I actually do cuz I read again, so disregard this part lol), but for me, time has made things much easier to bare. It's still not a walk in the park though, and it will take a lot of empathy and compassion for yourself, which some of us have to dig really deep to find. I hope that you can take what you've learned about humanity from that situation, honor how you feel in the aftermath of it, and go on. If you want to live, then you deserve to live and you should live. I really hope that one day you find a reason to keep going on. Abusers don't deserve to have the satisfaction of winning their battles when it comes to us. If the only thing driving you forward is spite for what they did to you, I would even understand that.

If you have classes with him, try your best to phase him out. If he tries to reach out again, try your best to ignore him. Even if that means walking away from him in front of others and looking like the villain. There are some people who will just choose his side and we have to be okay with being the villain or aggressor in their fucked up stories. Hopefully next semester, he won't be in a single class with you. And if he is, I think you can catch it early enough to switch classes (if that's an option). But it is really hard to do. If you don't have a support network irl, you have one here.

I wish you luck in everything and if you ever need the extra help or encouragement and are up to it, keep us updated on things.

Thank you so much. I truly do appreciate your kind words. I have one friend who knows about it. So that has been helpful. I will try to update you on it! I just had a nightmare which was facing my fears of confronting him. So I don't think I'll ever do that. But I hope I can make sure to not have to see him. I know it takes time, and I am in a better place, but it is not a good place. Luckily, I don't see myself ever actually trying to ctb. Which I am thankful for. Demons just make it hard. Luckily I have music too which helps me.

It's hard, because I will go through a week of suffering and then I'll be fine, and like a month again I'll start suffering about it again.
I think currently the suffering is over for now. Anyways, I am very thankful. Thank you.

 

[Valky]

@UsagiDrop has already said it perfectly. There is not much to add for me.

You don't need to confront him to justify yourself. You don't need to justify to anyone what has happened to you. Your feelings are valid, no matter how you decide to handle it.

I am also so glad that you are still here and I feel you. The great times are beautiful and worth living for but the bad times really get you. Of course, you wouldn't have to endure it anymore if you ended it all back then but you didn't. You won the fight. And you can continue winning the fight. For yourself. I wish you all the best <3

 

[EmpathyMinded]

I'm sorry you went through this. Whatever happened, don't feel ashamed or hate yourself. Nobody can plan for being in that situation or how to act in the moment, so not doing more makes you no less of a person. You've learned from this and can come out stronger and protect yourself better going forward. I'd say you're a 100 times the person he was, but that implies there is a number he actually has to multiply in the first place. He should be standing where you do emotionally not the other way around.

As terrible as this is, don't let it close you off from connection forever. That's just giving him more power over you even still. Don't allow that. Don't forget it and be cautious, sure, but don't let it define you or how you see everyone. For every asshole like that, you have many more who would never dream of doing that. Long term, the pain of closing yourself off to the possibility of what can be a proper, healthy relationship will only hurt your mental health even further.

If you're open to suggestions, in the future if you did have a similar issue come up, do the fake important call trick. Say you need to use the restroom and take your phone - needing to use the restroom is a normal thing after all and isn't going to provoke the same awkwardness or scariness that comes from rejecting him there where things start. While in there, if you have someone you can actually call and get on the phone with then do so; otherwise fake it. Come out still on the phone, mid-conversation and pause and tell him something came up, you really have to go; this makes your exit safe too, as the idea that you have someone else listening who would hear if he tried anything will be enough of a scare that however disappointed he may be he won't risk doing something that someone else could be a witness to and he can't prevent that. If you feel like you would struggle with being assertive and telling them no directly, this makes for something less confrontational and that gets you out the door while protecting yourself. Other possibilities also exist of course, but this is one option for you maybe.

Wishing you the best. You're in my thoughts.

 

[CC123]

It takes tons of work to not let the SOB win and control you.
Congratulations on being a survivor

 

[UsagiDrop]

It's hard, because I will go through a week of suffering and then I'll be fine, and like a month again I'll start suffering about it again.

Sadly life is a cycle like that, and the process of healing our trauma isn't linear or instantaneous. There will be some days when you feel like you're over it, like all of the suffering is over finally. And then some days our wounds will reopen and hurt and bleed all over us for seemingly no reason at all, and we won't be able to get it to stop. The good news is that on both days you are safe, and well, and worthy of going on in this life. The suffering is a normal part of recovering, and so are the times of relief.

I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare, but I'm glad it seems the suffering is over for now. Thank you so much for the update. I hope that things continue in that direction for at least a while, so you can get a break from the pain that you've had to go through. But if it comes back again, I hope that you know that it's okay to feel that way.

You don't need to confront him to justify yourself. You don't need to justify to anyone what has happened to you. Your feelings are valid, no matter how you decide to handle it.

And this! This is so important. Remember that you never have to confront him or even talk to him again, you never have to interact with him again if you don't really want to or find that you can't. What you went through is real. Whether he can admit that or not. Whether others will believe you or not. It will always be real and your feelings are valid.

 

[SoftWorries]

You should read My Dark Vanessa x

 

[unnormal9]

I said the same thing, years ago. So I understood.

 

[Locolemonlenner_xx]

Sadly life is a cycle like that, and the process of healing our trauma isn't linear or instantaneous. There will be some days when you feel like you're over it, like all of the suffering is over finally. And then some days our wounds will reopen and hurt and bleed all over us for seemingly no reason at all, and we won't be able to get it to stop. The good news is that on both days you are safe, and well, and worthy of going on in this life. The suffering is a normal part of recovering, and so are the times of relief.

I'm sorry to hear about your nightmare, but I'm glad it seems the suffering is over for now. Thank you so much for the update. I hope that things continue in that direction for at least a while, so you can get a break from the pain that you've had to go through. But if it comes back again, I hope that you know that it's okay to feel that way.

And this! This is so important. Remember that you never have to confront him or even talk to him again, you never have to interact with him again if you don't really want to or find that you can't. What you went through is real. Whether he can admit that or not. Whether others will believe you or not. It will always be real and your feelings are valid.

Thank you so much. I cannot explain in words how much I appreciate your kind words.
I am very new to this site (account-wise). I have been looking at it for around a year. I finally decided to make an account though. And must I admit how much I appreciate you. I was a bit scared based off of some experiences I have seen. However those do seem few and far between. I do really appreciate it.
I don't have a real update, but when I do, could I dm you?
My best update is that last night I had a dream about going and seeing the new Guardians of the galaxy movie with my mother. A funny dream. But I think that shows getting better.
I had nightmares that would turn into panic attacks almost every night from january to march. Luckily April it stopped. Until this past week. Where it happened 3 times in a row. Luckily it broke that up and it is okay. But yeah I do truly appreciate it.
I will come back to this as it is so good and good for my mental health.

I said the same thing, years ago. So I understood.

You should read My Dark Vanessa x

Is that a book? I'll see if I can read it :)

I said the same thing, years ago. So I understood.

Are you feeling any better? I would love to hear your story.

@UsagiDrop has already said it perfectly. There is not much to add for me.

You don't need to confront him to justify yourself. You don't need to justify to anyone what has happened to you. Your feelings are valid, no matter how you decide to handle it.

I am also so glad that you are still here and I feel you. The great times are beautiful and worth living for but the bad times really get you. Of course, you wouldn't have to endure it anymore if you ended it all back then but you didn't. You won the fight. And you can continue winning the fight. For yourself. I wish you all the best <3

This. This is such a good way of saying what I am feeling. Thank you so much. <3

It takes tons of work to not let the SOB win and control you.
Congratulations on being a survivor

I appreciate it. It does but I hope I can win forever.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I don't have a real update, but when I do, could I dm you?

Of course you can! I recently decided to make an account too, I still have no idea if my post count is up enough for me to send or receive dms though, haha. I think yours may be too low too, but when we both get it, feel free to message me any time.

I'm really happy that your dreams are getting better! Hopefully you get to see that movie with your mom. :)

 

[unnormal9]

Are you feeling any better? I would love to hear your story.

I dunno. Never was good at telling stories. Would probably start a new thread.

 

[Source Energy]

I sympathize with your trauma, but I think you are making too much of sex. Sex is not a big deal, it is neither sacred nor shameful. It is a neutral, ordinary thing. Sure, it is preferable to do it with someone you love, but it is nothing wrong to just have experiences. I have memories that in retrospect, I wish didn't happen. But it is not something to ctb over. Think of it this way: you now got smarter, you know not to be alone with someone you don't want to sleep with next time. He shouldn't have taken advantage. The jerk is him. Give yourself a break - it's okay!
Hugs! :)

 

[Locolemonlenner_xx]

I dunno. Never was good at telling stories. Would probably start a new thread.

That's fair. I get it.

I sympathize with your trauma, but I think you are making too much of sex. Sex is not a big deal, it is neither sacred nor shameful. It is a neutral, ordinary thing. Sure, it is preferable to do it with someone you love, but it is nothing wrong to just have experiences. I have memories that in retrospect, I wish didn't happen. But it is not something to ctb over. Think of it this way: you now got smarter, you know not to be alone with someone you don't want to sleep with next time. He shouldn't have taken advantage. The jerk is him. Give yourself a break - it's okay!
Hugs! :)

I do appreciate this. I do want you to know that I am currently in a much better headspace and would currently never try to ctb. Even when life sucks I love having a life and being alive. It's special. I'm not ashamed about the sex part, I'm ashamed I was raped. It's pretty different I would say. I agree that is isn't sacred and shouldn't be treated that way. And honestly, I think I will now start thinking that I have gotten smarter. Thank you mate

I'm sorry you went through this. Whatever happened, don't feel ashamed or hate yourself. Nobody can plan for being in that situation or how to act in the moment, so not doing more makes you no less of a person. You've learned from this and can come out stronger and protect yourself better going forward. I'd say you're a 100 times the person he was, but that implies there is a number he actually has to multiply in the first place. He should be standing where you do emotionally not the other way around.

As terrible as this is, don't let it close you off from connection forever. That's just giving him more power over you even still. Don't allow that. Don't forget it and be cautious, sure, but don't let it define you or how you see everyone. For every asshole like that, you have many more who would never dream of doing that. Long term, the pain of closing yourself off to the possibility of what can be a proper, healthy relationship will only hurt your mental health even further.

If you're open to suggestions, in the future if you did have a similar issue come up, do the fake important call trick. Say you need to use the restroom and take your phone - needing to use the restroom is a normal thing after all and isn't going to provoke the same awkwardness or scariness that comes from rejecting him there where things start. While in there, if you have someone you can actually call and get on the phone with then do so; otherwise fake it. Come out still on the phone, mid-conversation and pause and tell him something came up, you really have to go; this makes your exit safe too, as the idea that you have someone else listening who would hear if he tried anything will be enough of a scare that however disappointed he may be he won't risk doing something that someone else could be a witness to and he can't prevent that. If you feel like you would struggle with being assertive and telling them no directly, this makes for something less confrontational and that gets you out the door while protecting yourself. Other possibilities also exist of course, but this is one option for you maybe.

Wishing you the best. You're in my thoughts.

Thank you so much!!! I truely do appreciate this so much. I can't remember if I replied to this or not, but this so incredible. You are such a nice person and honestly I agree. You are awesome.

 

[Mord.]

I'm glad to know that you are doing better. I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that horrible experience, and of course it's painful, but the important thing is that you let yourself remind you that you can heal from all of this. you have been doing a great progress to get better and no one has the power to stop you from keep getting better, even if sometimes you have to take it slowly. Wishing you the best!