I think a part of this is that I am quite oversensitive. I just can't accept that I have lost. I don't want to believe that such an injustice can happen. Child abuse, bullying, being spit in the face from so many people and then suicide. I feel like this can't be true because it should not be true. But maybe this is a thinking fallacy. There are so many people on this earth dying each day and everyone has a story. There are so many deeply unfair stories and these people die without having had a voice. Many can't indict anyone for the hell they have experienced.
I think this is a reason why I like to write in this forum so much. People read my pain, they acknowledge that it exists, it is not censored. Of course this forum has flaws but it is emotionally very relieving for me especially when I am suffering a lot.
Other people are way more numb facing death. I think I will cry the whole day when I commit suicide. In the past when I was acute suicidal I was so extremely angry how the world has treated me. But I guess this is just life. Some win the lottery and some have to lose this game. I am unable to change the outcome. I tried so many different approaches. I am noticing how suicide comes closer every single day because I can't solve my problems. I try to distract me from that fact. I do escapism, thinkig about miracles etc. I wished someone or something would do the job for me.
No matter how good I distract myself deep down I know there is probably no happy end for me. Just when I think rationally and logically about my past, my present, my future and my issues I consider the hope for a good solution as very tiny.
It is so astonishing that the worst is very likely yet to come. This is bone-crushing. When my parents are dead noone will help me dealing with my major problems. When I am not already dead to that point this will be my last time on earth. Without my parents who ironically destroyed/abused my soul I can't fit the requirements one need to fulfill when you are an adult. My sister struggles a lot too lastly. This could fuck the financials of my family a lot/even more. The problems don't get solved, they increase instead and it frightens me a lot.
I think this is a reason why I like to write in this forum so much. People read my pain, they acknowledge that it exists, it is not censored. Of course this forum has flaws but it is emotionally very relieving for me especially when I am suffering a lot.
Other people are way more numb facing death. I think I will cry the whole day when I commit suicide. In the past when I was acute suicidal I was so extremely angry how the world has treated me. But I guess this is just life. Some win the lottery and some have to lose this game. I am unable to change the outcome. I tried so many different approaches. I am noticing how suicide comes closer every single day because I can't solve my problems. I try to distract me from that fact. I do escapism, thinkig about miracles etc. I wished someone or something would do the job for me.
No matter how good I distract myself deep down I know there is probably no happy end for me. Just when I think rationally and logically about my past, my present, my future and my issues I consider the hope for a good solution as very tiny.
It is so astonishing that the worst is very likely yet to come. This is bone-crushing. When my parents are dead noone will help me dealing with my major problems. When I am not already dead to that point this will be my last time on earth. Without my parents who ironically destroyed/abused my soul I can't fit the requirements one need to fulfill when you are an adult. My sister struggles a lot too lastly. This could fuck the financials of my family a lot/even more. The problems don't get solved, they increase instead and it frightens me a lot.
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