hatedavoidant
Member
- Jun 19, 2023
- 16
As I said in my previous post – which I forgot I even posted – I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and my favourite person just left me. Well, after this post, I couldn't handle this feeling anymore, I made an apology gift to them because I couldn't afford to lose them like that. It also had a letter written by me saying something like
"I didn't want it to end like this, nor did I ever want to make you feel like that or hurt you in any way. I hope this gift makes you feel a bit better, and if you want we can talk again.
By the way, I'm sorry I'm like this, and I did actually try. 24/7. Even if you didn't see it. But no matter how much I tried, I couldn't hold the feelings and the anger I've held back this whole time.
And if you do actually believe that, I am infact a toxic person and I'm doing more harm than good to you, then I promise you I'll leave you alone for good and you won't have to see me or feel like this ever again.
I've been planning to give you this gift for quite a while now, but I didn't get the chance to since we were always arguing. I hope you like it, bye
"
I've never apologized like that to anyone, and I shouldn't have done it this time either. Or maybe it was the right move, I hope they look bad and regret everything and feel guilty, but I probably won't be here until that time comes, if it ever does. You could call that immaturity, I would call it being fed up with people disappointing me.
Now, I haven't mentioned the worst part yet.
After I put the gift outside their door, we talked, everything was fine again, etc etc. But joy never lasts long. After a couple days, they suddenly stopped talking to me. I was so depressed. One of these days I went to my autism assessment, and finally got diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. No one to tell the news to, they aren't here anymore. 10 days passed and no text, nothing. Guess what I found out? My then favourite person started talking to the person that is the reason for my worst moments. They had her blocked, because they knew how much she had hurt me. "She" also has bpd. And she also used to have the same favorite person as me, –that's why I was so depressed when she was in my life – I had to relive all my worst moments again, even worse this time. I finally text them. "You went back to her?", my whole body shaking, afraid for what is gonna happen, having to go through this again. They respond, "I can do whatever I want, why do you even care?"
Moments after, I receive the worst, meanest, traumatizing text I've ever seen.
A long, long paragraph explaining how I'm the worst and most toxic person in their life, how I don't deserve anything if I can't properly apologize (after I gave them a big apology gift, after I told them I won't be here in a couple of months for sure, and also considering I am autistic and apologizing is difficult). I felt like trash, all of the voices in my head that told me I only cause harm to others were finally proved right by the only person I've ever trusted so much. I started apologizing again, and then they did too. As they said "I'm sorry for how that sounded, I thought making you hate me would help"
I am a suicidal person with plans and you're my favorite person, there's no logic behind that.
Some recent updates on their life now? They're having the time of their life with the "woman" that almost sent me into a psychiatric hospital because of how much love I gave to that person. They tell everyone how glad they are to have her back in their life. They seem happy, happier than ever, but not for long. If karma doesn't do its job, I will. I have been through so much just for these people and I've finally had enough. I have found a possible SN source, and I have lots of plans on what to do before I go. My body may not be here, but I will scar them till death, just like they did to me.
I really hope someone out there reads this, I'm proud I can finally put my feelings into words.
"I didn't want it to end like this, nor did I ever want to make you feel like that or hurt you in any way. I hope this gift makes you feel a bit better, and if you want we can talk again.
By the way, I'm sorry I'm like this, and I did actually try. 24/7. Even if you didn't see it. But no matter how much I tried, I couldn't hold the feelings and the anger I've held back this whole time.
And if you do actually believe that, I am infact a toxic person and I'm doing more harm than good to you, then I promise you I'll leave you alone for good and you won't have to see me or feel like this ever again.
I've been planning to give you this gift for quite a while now, but I didn't get the chance to since we were always arguing. I hope you like it, bye
"I've never apologized like that to anyone, and I shouldn't have done it this time either. Or maybe it was the right move, I hope they look bad and regret everything and feel guilty, but I probably won't be here until that time comes, if it ever does. You could call that immaturity, I would call it being fed up with people disappointing me.
Now, I haven't mentioned the worst part yet.
After I put the gift outside their door, we talked, everything was fine again, etc etc. But joy never lasts long. After a couple days, they suddenly stopped talking to me. I was so depressed. One of these days I went to my autism assessment, and finally got diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. No one to tell the news to, they aren't here anymore. 10 days passed and no text, nothing. Guess what I found out? My then favourite person started talking to the person that is the reason for my worst moments. They had her blocked, because they knew how much she had hurt me. "She" also has bpd. And she also used to have the same favorite person as me, –that's why I was so depressed when she was in my life – I had to relive all my worst moments again, even worse this time. I finally text them. "You went back to her?", my whole body shaking, afraid for what is gonna happen, having to go through this again. They respond, "I can do whatever I want, why do you even care?"
Moments after, I receive the worst, meanest, traumatizing text I've ever seen.
A long, long paragraph explaining how I'm the worst and most toxic person in their life, how I don't deserve anything if I can't properly apologize (after I gave them a big apology gift, after I told them I won't be here in a couple of months for sure, and also considering I am autistic and apologizing is difficult). I felt like trash, all of the voices in my head that told me I only cause harm to others were finally proved right by the only person I've ever trusted so much. I started apologizing again, and then they did too. As they said "I'm sorry for how that sounded, I thought making you hate me would help"
I am a suicidal person with plans and you're my favorite person, there's no logic behind that.
Some recent updates on their life now? They're having the time of their life with the "woman" that almost sent me into a psychiatric hospital because of how much love I gave to that person. They tell everyone how glad they are to have her back in their life. They seem happy, happier than ever, but not for long. If karma doesn't do its job, I will. I have been through so much just for these people and I've finally had enough. I have found a possible SN source, and I have lots of plans on what to do before I go. My body may not be here, but I will scar them till death, just like they did to me.
I really hope someone out there reads this, I'm proud I can finally put my feelings into words.
