I am so ashamed of my weakness

[okkkk]

posting here feels indulgent. Like i'm feeding my sadness out of my hand. Making it grow larger. I don't want to even acknowledge it. But in this moment I am overflowing with regret. The culmination of all my efforts since birth have been a disaster. It discourages me from making any more choices to further fuck myself. I can repeat to myself "the world means you no harm." "just smile, even if you aren't happy." and "Just talk more, people like people who talk." but to what end? Every time I open this window it means i am defeated. I am in such an immense pain from being alone that the shame does not register. I will willingly pour out my soul to any therapist or text box about the specific way I am hurting. I am IMMENSELY terrified that I will drain the rest of my youth alone and afraid and with none of my passions or live goals accomplished. That idea fills me with so much pure stinging dread that I have vivid visions of ending it before I actually see myself as a tired old failure. Actually being the man who has lead such a pathetic existence and has all of the opportunities for success behind him is too much for me to bear even thinking about. If i'm being completely honest I am so afraid of being seen and critiqued by anyone and thats whats keeping me from really putting myself out there. Im terrified that I really might not be good enough. I experience such an excess of shame. Shame from how my own family sees me. Shame for how other students see me. It grinds my face in the dirt. I just want to hide my face. Im so sorry I cant face it. I am so ashamed of my weakness.

 

[pole]

posting here feels indulgent. Like i'm feeding my sadness out of my hand. Making it grow larger. I don't want to even acknowledge it. But in this moment I am overflowing with regret. The culmination of all my efforts since birth have been a disaster. It discourages me from making any more choices to further fuck myself. I can repeat to myself "the world means you no harm." "just smile, even if you aren't happy." and "Just talk more, people like people who talk." but to what end? Every time I open this window it means i am defeated. I am in such an immense pain from being alone that the shame does not register. I will willingly pour out my soul to any therapist or text box about the specific way I am hurting. I am IMMENSELY terrified that I will drain the rest of my youth alone and afraid and with none of my passions or live goals accomplished. That idea fills me with so much pure stinging dread that I have vivid visions of ending it before I actually see myself as a tired old failure. Actually being the man who has lead such a pathetic existence and has all of the opportunities for success behind him is too much for me to bear even thinking about. If i'm being completely honest I am so afraid of being seen and critiqued by anyone and thats whats keeping me from really putting myself out there. Im terrified that I really might not be good enough. I experience such an excess of shame. Shame from how my own family sees me. Shame for how other students see me. It grinds my face in the dirt. I just want to hide my face. Im so sorry I cant face it. I am so ashamed of my weakness.

its like you're speaking how i feel. probably cause were the same age.

I'm so sorry about what you're going through, you've probably heard that 837383849594 times.

do things for yourself and only yourself. do what you wanna do that MAKES YOU HAPPY. who gives a shit what others think of you. fuck them.

you probably have insanely awful luck as me. having such shitty luck discourages us from even trying to do things, get better; if we know the eventual outcome, which is that anything we invest our energy in is gonna fuck us eventually. And i COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND. Anything iv ever done, thats MADE ME HAPPY, that i hoped for and recieved, that i loved, that i actually liked, was taken, left, or fucked me over in the end. its my fault for thinking good shit lasts. and im to blame for my heartbreaks, no one else. i hope and expect for good things, like an absolute dumb fuck, and get depressed and drown in my own sadness when it comes falling down on me.

happiness is filled with lies. till you stop caring, about anyone or anything is when you'll feel free.

i know how it feels to be alone dude, to keep it inside and have no one to talk to. dont feel like shit for venting on here. let it all out, me and others are genuinly willing to hear it and read it and wanna understand it.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, im all ears. Hope you feel better.

 

[okkkk]

its like you're speaking how i feel. probably cause were the same age.

I'm so sorry about what you're going through, you've probably heard that 837383849594 times.

do things for yourself and only yourself. do what you wanna do that MAKES YOU HAPPY. who gives a shit what others think of you. fuck them.

you probably have insanely awful luck as me. having such shitty luck discourages us from even trying to do things, get better; if we know the eventual outcome, which is that anything we invest our energy in is gonna fuck us eventually. And i COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND. Anything iv ever done, thats MADE ME HAPPY, that i hoped for and recieved, that i loved, that i actually liked, was taken, left, or fucked me over in the end. its my fault for thinking good shit lasts. and im to blame for my heartbreaks, no one else. i hope and expect for good things, like an absolute dumb fuck, and get depressed and drown in my own sadness when it comes falling down on me.

happiness is filled with lies. till you stop caring, about anyone or anything is when you'll feel free.

i know how it feels to be alone dude, to keep it inside and have no one to talk to. dont feel like shit for venting on here. let it all out, me and others are genuinly willing to hear it and read it and wanna understand it.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, im all ears. Hope you feel better.

I cant thank you enough for your honesty and thoughtfulness. At this point, even though I think about ctb a lot, If I were to do it at this point, this shame would become my legacy. Since I really have nothing to loose at this point, there really is no point in not at least trying to get something out of life while im still young. I cant let myself be paralyzed by fear anymore.

 

[pole]

I cant thank you enough for your honesty and thoughtfulness. At this point, even though I think about ctb a lot, If I were to do it at this point, this shame would become my legacy. Since I really have nothing to loose at this point, there really is no point in not at least trying to get something out of life while im still young. I cant let myself be paralyzed by fear anymore.

to me, since i completely relate to you, it starts by just not caring anymore. getting out of ur comfort zone. we have nothing to loose, were young, if it fails, fuck it, we tried you know?

im giving myself 1-2 years to do well in school and in life. i really wanted to die this summer. give it one last shot. and if it doesnt work out, it doesnt work out and i tried.

wish you all the best. and please reach out if you really do wanna talk.