Venting I am so afraid that I will have a mental breakdown again

[HopefulSleep]

I had my last breakdown a month ago or so, I walked for hours like a robot through my room and talked nonsense, I thought that I was in an infinite loop of pain, I couldn't sleep, when I sat down I felt enormously uncomfortable, it stopped after a week but in that time I always holded a knife to my throat, I just wanted this bad trip to end but it didn't for some days and I couldn't get myself to cut my throat open and had no other method.
I had this reaction cause I thought much about me failing again and having to go to a psych ward, I freaked out that so many people want to hurt me in different ways even when I try to ctb they hurt me.
When I think about what sexual things people did to me that I didn't consent to I feel weird bodily but noone makes this feeling go away and if I would emotionally ctb they will hurt me again, I hate this world.
I am scared that I will have this reaction again and be locked in pain again, that is the main reason why I want to ctb, I am just scared to feel more pain again.
My family saw that and they called me crazy and that I am hopeless and they called a mental hospital and I had to go there for some time, I hate it so much, I walked in their shitty room but felt worse than home cause I wasn't free anymore in that time.

 

[FuneralCry]

It truly is so horrible how humans create so much harm and suffering, it sounds really awful what you've had to endure but anyway I wish you the best. Life is just too cruel, this world where endless amounts of pain exist certainly is so hellish to me.

 

[HopefulSleep]

It truly is so horrible how humans create so much harm and suffering, it sounds really awful what you've had to endure but anyway I wish you the best. Life is just too cruel, this world where endless amounts of pain exist certainly is so hellish to me.

Do you have any tips how I can ease my pain until I can ctb?

 

[NinePointEight]

I had my last breakdown a month ago or so, I walked for hours like a robot through my room and talked nonsense, I thought that I was in an infinite loop of pain, I couldn't sleep, when I sat down I felt enormously uncomfortable, it stopped after a week but in that time I always holded a knife to my throat, I just wanted this bad trip to end but it didn't for some days and I couldn't get myself to cut my throat open and had no other method.
I had this reaction cause I thought much about me failing again and having to go to a psych ward, I freaked out that so many people want to hurt me in different ways even when I try to ctb they hurt me.
When I think about what sexual things people did to me that I didn't consent to I feel weird bodily but noone makes this feeling go away and if I would emotionally ctb they will hurt me again, I hate this world.
I am scared that I will have this reaction again and be locked in pain again, that is the main reason why I want to ctb, I am just scared to feel more pain again.
My family saw that and they called me crazy and that I am hopeless and they called a mental hospital and I had to go there for some time, I hate it so much, I walked in their shitty room but felt worse than home cause I wasn't free anymore in that time.

I am so sorry to hear what you had to go through. I also feel like sometimes I am going insane. It is an awful feeling.

 

[FuneralCry]

Do you have any tips how I can ease my pain until I can ctb?

Sadly I think that as long as one exists they have no choice but to suffer, it's simply just the reality but I think the only thing that could ever be close to some kind of relief is sleeping if one is able to get that. But I know that it's often not even easy to fall asleep.

 

[HopefulSleep]

Sadly I think that as long as one exists they have no choice but to suffer, it's simply just the reality but I think the only thing that could ever be close to some kind of relief is sleeping if one is able to get that. But I know that it's often not even easy to fall asleep.

I don't even want to die, I just want the pain to go away.