I am scared for my mom

[ZoloftSüchtig]

i love my mom so incredibly much! She is an amazing person!! She means everything to me. I have so many amazing memories of her and I want her to be happy. When I see her cry it makes me sad. She knows how much I am suffering and I always hear her blame herself. Saying she is a horrible mother etc. For a long time I have lived just for her because I didnt want to do this to her! I am scared she wont be able to get over my death especially with it being suicide. But my suffering is too much to handle! I cannot do this anymore! I have no energy. I am in mental pain almost all my waking hours and I NEED to die. My mom told me she doesnt want me to suffer anymore and I kind of hope that she will be able to accept that this was the way out for me. That I wont suffer anymore but ofc I cannot be certain, especially with knowing she always blames herself for my and my sisters suffering. I do have three sisters and I am planning to ctb while my mom is with one of them or while she is with a friend. I do not want her to be alone when she finds out. Anyway. Its such a dilemma. I cant do this anymore. I seriously need to die. But I dont want my mom to suffer! I dont know what to do. I know I cant keep living anymore. Not for much longer, but what do I do so my mom isn't destroyed by this.

 

[grapevoid]

i love my mom so incredibly much! She is an amazing person!! She means everything to me. I have so many amazing memories of her and I want her to be happy. When I see her cry it makes me sad. She knows how much I am suffering and I always hear her blame herself. Saying she is a horrible mother etc. For a long time I have lived just for her because I didnt want to do this to her! I am scared she wont be able to get over my death especially with it being suicide. But my suffering is too much to handle! I cannot do this anymore! I have no energy. I am in mental pain almost all my waking hours and I NEED to die. My mom told me she doesnt want me to suffer anymore and I kind of hope that she will be able to accept that this was the way out for me. That I wont suffer anymore but ofc I cannot be certain, especially with knowing she always blames herself for my and my sisters suffering. I do have three sisters and I am planning to ctb while my mom is with one of them or while she is with a friend. I do not want her to be alone when she finds out. Anyway. Its such a dilemma. I cant do this anymore. I seriously need to die. But I dont want my mom to suffer! I dont know what to do. I know I cant keep living anymore. Not for much longer, but what do I do so my mom isn't destroyed by this.

There is nothing you can do to ease the pain of losing a child. Just write it down, leave her a letter and hope she doesn't blame herself and knows how much you loved her and considered/thought of her when making your choice. I'm sorry, I know you want to hear something comforting but I don't think it exists. Losing a child is painful, there's no way around it.
Maybe you can find a way to explain that your suffering was too much to bare, that it had nothing to do with her, and she couldn't have done anything to change it?

 

[tbroken]

I was about to write a similar thread. I'm also unique son and the pain for my mother will be a lot. Plus we live in a small village and i think she will be sad and ashamed for the rest of her life. She will retire next year and apart from me, my father and cats she really has not much to enjoy, since she hardly dedicated to our family. I really don't know what to do, maybe I'll just wait more..

 

[ZoloftSüchtig]

There is nothing you can do to ease the pain of losing a child. Just write it down, leave her a letter and hope she doesn't blame herself and knows how much you loved her and considered/thought of her when making your choice. I'm sorry, I know you want to hear something comforting but I don't think it exists. Losing a child is painful, there's no way around it.
Maybe you can find a way to explain that your suffering was too much to bare, that it had nothing to do with her, and she couldn't have done anything to change it?

Hey thank you. I am definitely gonna be writing her a letter explaining her how it isnt her fault and that the suffering was too much to bare and that this is for the better. But I know my mom, she always blames herself for everything sadly. I wish I could continue to live for her. I once told myself Id do anything for her but continue to live, suffering like this? I cant do that anymore. I am also scared my sisters are gonna be angry with me blaming me for my mom being sad.

I was about to write a similar thread. I'm also unique son and the pain for my mother will be a lot. Plus we live in a small village and i think she will be sad and ashamed for the rest of her life. She will retire next year and apart from me, my father and cats she really has not much to enjoy, since she hardly dedicated to our family. I really don't know what to do, maybe I'll just wait more..

I feel you. I still have my three sisters so I hope they will be able to comfort my mom. I very much undertstand ur struggle tho. Ive lived a lot longer than intended already, partly for my mom, but I cant do it much longer.

 

[DivineSpark]

Sorry to hear you are struggling and suffering. My mother is closest family member in my family. I dont want to hurt her, so I have tried resist temptation of killing myself.

 

[whywere]

Just thinking this through and trying to be helpful so please be kind and thoughtful to me, thank you in advance. Also, I do not know all the dynamics of everything so giving my thoughts as best as possible.

If it was me, I would try and seek mental health help and try that, as going the ctb route before trying a vast number of possible means of helping myself, and going the ctb route before trying a lot of "help" first would not only make me sad for all of eternity, AND the same sadness would go NOT only for my mom BUT the 3 sisters.

I have always tried so hard to live my life by "closing my eyes and seeing" way past my nose into the future. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

A mother's love is 100% and a mom might say "I do not want you to hurt", BUT does that mean going the ctb route and then maybe having her hurt like hell till she passes on? I would try an awful lot of mental health help so I would not put, there in again, my mom and the 3 sisters through the pain of seeing her son ctb.

I truly believe in 100% pro-choice BUT from what you said in your post, ctb would NOT be an option till I had exhausted a lot of options.

My "parents" dropped my off on a street curb the day after I turned 18 with no money, no food, no shelter, no job NOTHUNG and drove away and I never heard from them again, 100% their choice. I mention this because if I had a mom who loved me, I more than likely could not ctb till she had passed on.

Lots of huge hugs, love and the knowledge that you are a good friend,

Walter

 

[ZoloftSüchtig]

Just thinking this through and trying to be helpful so please be kind and thoughtful to me, thank you in advance. Also, I do not know all the dynamics of everything so giving my thoughts as best as possible.

If it was me, I would try and seek mental health help and try that, as going the ctb route before trying a vast number of possible means of helping myself, and going the ctb route before trying a lot of "help" first would not only make me sad for all of eternity, AND the same sadness would go NOT only for my mom BUT the 3 sisters.

I have always tried so hard to live my life by "closing my eyes and seeing" way past my nose into the future. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

A mother's love is 100% and a mom might say "I do not want you to hurt", BUT does that mean going the ctb route and then maybe having her hurt like hell till she passes on? I would try an awful lot of mental health help so I would not put, there in again, my mom and the 3 sisters through the pain of seeing her son ctb.

I truly believe in 100% pro-choice BUT from what you said in your post, ctb would NOT be an option till I had exhausted a lot of options.

My "parents" dropped my off on a street curb the day after I turned 18 with no money, no food, no shelter, no job NOTHUNG and drove away and I never heard from them again, 100% their choice. I mention this because if I had a mom who loved me, I more than likely could not ctb till she had passed on.

Lots of huge hugs, love and the knowledge that you are a good friend,

Walter

Hello thank you for your thoughtful reply. I totally agree that trying to get help is the best thing to do. The problem is that I got let down by every therapist I went to and by some left even traumatised meaning I cannot trust them anymore. There is also something wrong with my brain, I dont think there is help for me. I tried meds too but had to stop them for certain reasons and even when I took em I struggled. I truly think there isnt anything really that can help me. The only hope I have is that time can help me. But I cant suffer another 10 years in hope that then theres finally options to help me. I am in such immense mental pain right now and have been for quite a while now, that death is truly the best decision for me. Would my mom really prefer me suffer 24/7 and being a huge burden to her than for me to be dead and at peace?

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have to suffer so much, I also find it so painful to exist, it sounds like you've suffered a lot, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing, I wish you the best.

 

[ZoloftSüchtig]

I'm sorry you have to suffer so much, I also find it so painful to exist, it sounds like you've suffered a lot, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing, I wish you the best.

Hey. I too am incredibly sad to hear you also find it so painful to exist! I wish we could all be happy. I don't understand why suffering exists.
I wish you the best