I have some good ideas for new threads. I always write notes in order not to forget them. It could have been a chilling evening but something else happened....
My dad gave me a surprise meeting. Yeah he wrote me he will be at my apartment two hours ago. Today is my free day to regain energy. Yeah it was the opposite. The day was pretty nice except for this meeting. It ruined the day completely and I am kind of scared about the night. Could make me manic. In the past sometimes such a rage was counterproductive and on other days cleaning. I hope for the latter one.
Yeah my parents are completely idiots. Very stupid people. No wonder they abused two children so that both got severely mentally ill. I explained my dad the situation with my studies. How burdensome it is, how strong I struggle daily, my extreme anxiety and my extreme inner pressure.
The thing is he is extremely stupid. I think he has some cognitive problems due to depression. I wonder why he can work. But he can do it in contrast to me.
So I explained my dad the whole misery how difficult it is with my conditions. He listened (but did not understand anything.) I already explained everything to him a thousand time always in very simple terms. And I think I am quite good in that. But he...how shall I say it...I wonder that we are relatives...like we both have mood disorders but mentally I am very different.
When I explained him everything...he forgets the vast majority after 30 seconds...and the worst is he still repeats the same talking points over and over...he wanted me to work at a place for disabled people....I am someone who is extremely obsessed by what other people think...this would have made me extremely depressive...yeah and he more or less blamed me that I have started my studies...I tried to do more simple jobs but I got very extreme crippling depression from it. It was insane.
The worst he said was the following: (I paraphrase it it is difficult to translate properly) I hope for you this time you won't fail again once again. This time you have to succeed. Maybe I was a little bit too triggered. But he repeated it two times. I more or less got a meltdown. I became extremely mad. It was like he blames me for all my failures. The statement is extremely counterproductive. And I told him that. I also explained it in the past like a thousand times. He just does not get it. I blamed him that he did not stop my mom from domestic violence. And I told him something that should have been kept a secret. My sister blames my dad for domestic abuse. He beated her up. I think he never beated me up. My mom did this enough. I did not see it that he beated her. Or I cannot remember it. My sister told me she waits till he apologizes for it, she wanted to keep quiet. I told her this won't happen. He is very stupid and will never do that...His answer this evening was he can't remember anything....also that my mom beat me up every single day and I cried more or less every single day....he can't remember anything...I just think he is very stupid and I have the theory his depression affects his cogntion very negatively.
I got extremely mad at him. When my rage was over. He started to cry and blame himself for being such a bad father. In my rage I was really very angry and told him a good dad would have intervened. I am 100% sure he also saw how my mom abused me. I can remember several days very precisely. He just looked away.
Then I felt bad because he cried due to me. He is not such a bad dad but very very stupid. My mom also was very very stupid.. But she always wanted to be a good mom.
This all is quite a tragedy. I will very likely kill myself due to the abuse and bullying. I am not sure whether I should consider them monsters. I mean hitting 5 year old children over and over again. For reasons like they cry too much, they have OCD, they express suicidality (the last one only happened once at the age of 18).
It is all a nightmare. And I am the one who suffers the most. Yeah my dad felt bad this evening. But when I stop remembering him that I suffer this much he will forget everything and act like I would be fine.
I also tried to comfort him because he cried. I think I was successful. He was really sad. This is all a tragedy. And the future will be even worse. When my parents stop working the worst part will start. Like the situation will be extremely dramatic. The worst is yet to come. I might kill myself before poverty hits. The suicide will hit both of my parents very hard. But I cannot cope with more rock bottoms. I try to postpone or even avoid it but the odds are very much against me.
I am just scared my rage today could trigger manic symptoms. I felt a little bit prickling in my head. Which is a very weird symptom for getting manic. It is often a warning sign for me. But therapists have told me it is quite unusual.
I just hope the night will be fine. Being wide awake early in the monrning is my enemy...I always have to fight in order not to get manic.
I am sad because I cannot write my other threads for today. But it is too late today. I will soon go to sleep.
Thanks to you all who have read this thread.
My dad gave me a surprise meeting. Yeah he wrote me he will be at my apartment two hours ago. Today is my free day to regain energy. Yeah it was the opposite. The day was pretty nice except for this meeting. It ruined the day completely and I am kind of scared about the night. Could make me manic. In the past sometimes such a rage was counterproductive and on other days cleaning. I hope for the latter one.
Yeah my parents are completely idiots. Very stupid people. No wonder they abused two children so that both got severely mentally ill. I explained my dad the situation with my studies. How burdensome it is, how strong I struggle daily, my extreme anxiety and my extreme inner pressure.
The thing is he is extremely stupid. I think he has some cognitive problems due to depression. I wonder why he can work. But he can do it in contrast to me.
So I explained my dad the whole misery how difficult it is with my conditions. He listened (but did not understand anything.) I already explained everything to him a thousand time always in very simple terms. And I think I am quite good in that. But he...how shall I say it...I wonder that we are relatives...like we both have mood disorders but mentally I am very different.
When I explained him everything...he forgets the vast majority after 30 seconds...and the worst is he still repeats the same talking points over and over...he wanted me to work at a place for disabled people....I am someone who is extremely obsessed by what other people think...this would have made me extremely depressive...yeah and he more or less blamed me that I have started my studies...I tried to do more simple jobs but I got very extreme crippling depression from it. It was insane.
The worst he said was the following: (I paraphrase it it is difficult to translate properly) I hope for you this time you won't fail again once again. This time you have to succeed. Maybe I was a little bit too triggered. But he repeated it two times. I more or less got a meltdown. I became extremely mad. It was like he blames me for all my failures. The statement is extremely counterproductive. And I told him that. I also explained it in the past like a thousand times. He just does not get it. I blamed him that he did not stop my mom from domestic violence. And I told him something that should have been kept a secret. My sister blames my dad for domestic abuse. He beated her up. I think he never beated me up. My mom did this enough. I did not see it that he beated her. Or I cannot remember it. My sister told me she waits till he apologizes for it, she wanted to keep quiet. I told her this won't happen. He is very stupid and will never do that...His answer this evening was he can't remember anything....also that my mom beat me up every single day and I cried more or less every single day....he can't remember anything...I just think he is very stupid and I have the theory his depression affects his cogntion very negatively.
I got extremely mad at him. When my rage was over. He started to cry and blame himself for being such a bad father. In my rage I was really very angry and told him a good dad would have intervened. I am 100% sure he also saw how my mom abused me. I can remember several days very precisely. He just looked away.
Then I felt bad because he cried due to me. He is not such a bad dad but very very stupid. My mom also was very very stupid.. But she always wanted to be a good mom.
This all is quite a tragedy. I will very likely kill myself due to the abuse and bullying. I am not sure whether I should consider them monsters. I mean hitting 5 year old children over and over again. For reasons like they cry too much, they have OCD, they express suicidality (the last one only happened once at the age of 18).
It is all a nightmare. And I am the one who suffers the most. Yeah my dad felt bad this evening. But when I stop remembering him that I suffer this much he will forget everything and act like I would be fine.
I also tried to comfort him because he cried. I think I was successful. He was really sad. This is all a tragedy. And the future will be even worse. When my parents stop working the worst part will start. Like the situation will be extremely dramatic. The worst is yet to come. I might kill myself before poverty hits. The suicide will hit both of my parents very hard. But I cannot cope with more rock bottoms. I try to postpone or even avoid it but the odds are very much against me.
I am just scared my rage today could trigger manic symptoms. I felt a little bit prickling in my head. Which is a very weird symptom for getting manic. It is often a warning sign for me. But therapists have told me it is quite unusual.
I just hope the night will be fine. Being wide awake early in the monrning is my enemy...I always have to fight in order not to get manic.
I am sad because I cannot write my other threads for today. But it is too late today. I will soon go to sleep.
Thanks to you all who have read this thread.
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