I am painfully torn between writing my suicide note and preparing to leave this world or making one final attempt to get better and keep living.

[MisanthropicLycan]

I am a 30 year old male. I live at home with my parents. I can't drive. No job. Antisocial loner with no life skills. I am a complete failure and total loser with absolutely nothing positive going for me. Death has been calling my name in a very strong and powerful way these last few months. Death seems like such a tranquil exit and seductive escape from my tortured mind and this miserable world. I fantasize about suicide on a daily basis and it seems like the only solution to my many problems.

My bipolar depression, drug addiction and self-destructive nature have turned me into a bitter walking corpse. Anhedonia has destroyed and burned everything into ash. Severe depression has drained all the color from the world. I can't find a shred of joy or pleasure in anything at all. All of existence is a nihilistic void of boring and painful emptiness. Life has lost all of it's magic and has become nothing but dreary and bleak drudgery. All the vitality is drained from my bones and I feel like I have no energy left in me to fight for life. I am beyond hopeless. I am soulless and dead inside. I am knee-deep in the mire and the mud of the most dreadful misery and the blackest suffering. I feel like I am drowning in sadness and sorrow. The future is black. The future is dead. I am condemned to this grey purgatory of pain and nothingness. This is hell on earth. I feel like a crushed insect under the totalitarian boot of God.

Yet despite all of this a small part of me doesn't want to surrender to the grim end yet. A small part of me wants to believe that I can somehow recover and get better. I feel like I am deluding myself with treacherous lies by hanging onto an almost non-existent thread of hope. I am a wretched and corrupt man full of decay. I feel like I am doomed and beyond redemption. Does anyone else feel like they have one foot in the coffin and are staring into oblivion but are still hesitant to take the final step into the abyss? Does anyone else long for death every minute of the day but have a small part of them that desperately wants to figure out how to keep living?

I am lost. I have no idea what to do. This is the hardest decision I've ever been forced to make. What would you do?

 

[Moony21]

I'm in a different situation but also similar in a way. Because of depression and because of anxiety and a chronic illness.

I have just written my goodbye letter for my husband. it breaks my heart but my way is clear

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

I'm in a different situation but also similar in a way. Because of depression and because of anxiety and a chronic illness.

I have just written my goodbye letter for my husband. it breaks my heart but my way is clear

I hope you feel at peace with your decision to die. I am deeply confused as to what path is the correct one for me to take right now.

 

[LMLN]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I'm lost too. I want to not exist anymore. My hope for future happiness is gone. I make it alive through each day while obesessing about suicide and my way out.
Somehow having my method planned and ready allows me to have a little peace. I know if things get unbearable I have a way out, right or wrong. And somehow I get through each day. No promise for tomorrow.

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I'm lost too. I want to not exist anymore. My hope for future happiness is gone. I make it alive through each day while obesessing about suicide and my way out.
Somehow having my method planned and ready allows me to have a little peace. I know if things get unbearable I have a way out, right or wrong. And somehow I get through each day. No promise for tomorrow.

I have my method planned to the last detail as well. I have not physically written my suicide note yet but I have written it inside my mind at night hundreds of times. Future happiness seems like an impossible fantasy and farfetched pipe-dream for me as well but I don't know if I can surrender to death yet. I'm still kind of ambivalent. It is tormenting me. I wish I could just make a final decision and be confident and at peace with it.

 

[Janebb]

I am a 30 year old male. I live at home with my parents. I can't drive. No job. Antisocial loner with no life skills. I am a complete failure and total loser with absolutely nothing positive going for me. Death has been calling my name in a very strong and powerful way these last few months. Death seems like such a tranquil exit and seductive escape from my tortured mind and this miserable world. I fantasize about suicide on a daily basis and it seems like the only solution to my many problems.

My bipolar depression, drug addiction and self-destructive nature have turned me into a bitter walking corpse. Anhedonia has destroyed and burned everything into ash. Severe depression has drained all the color from the world. I can't find a shred of joy or pleasure in anything at all. All of existence is a nihilistic void of boring and painful emptiness. Life has lost all of it's magic and has become nothing but dreary and bleak drudgery. All the vitality is drained from my bones and I feel like I have no energy left in me to fight for life. I am beyond hopeless. I am soulless and dead inside. I am knee-deep in the mire and the mud of the most dreadful misery and the blackest suffering. I feel like I am drowning in sadness and sorrow. The future is black. The future is dead. I am condemned to this grey purgatory of pain and nothingness. This is hell on earth. I feel like a crushed insect under the totalitarian boot of God.

Yet despite all of this a small part of me doesn't want to surrender to the grim end yet. A small part of me wants to believe that I can somehow recover and get better. I feel like I am deluding myself with treacherous lies by hanging onto an almost non-existent thread of hope. I am a wretched and corrupt man full of decay. I feel like I am doomed and beyond redemption. Does anyone else feel like they have one foot in the coffin and are staring into oblivion but are still hesitant to take the final step into the abyss? Does anyone else long for death every minute of the day but have a small part of them that desperately wants to figure out how to keep living?

I am lost. I have no idea what to do. This is the hardest decision I've ever been forced to make. What would you do?

I think if you have a hint of hope still left in you than you should keep trying.

 

[Are you lost too?]

I'm sorry you've gone through all this, and that life circumstances weren't better for you.

It's totally up to you, and I can't tell you what to do. But I can feel you still have hope, even if it's only a little of it. Ctb is always gonna be there waiting for you, it's not going anywhere. You don't have To decide right now. There's no problem in taking some time to think some more about it or to give life one more chance.

either way, I do hope you find the peace you deserve!
Sending you warm thoughts

 

[talktomeee]

I agree with Are you lost too. I think if there's a tiny voice in you telling you to live, then you should fight. But if you feel ready to leave the world and you are at complete peace with your decision, then it's okay to go.

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

I'm sorry you've gone through all this, and that life circumstances weren't better for you.

It's totally up to you, and I can't tell you what to do. But I can feel you still have hope, even if it's only a little of it. Ctb is always gonna be there waiting for you, it's not going anywhere. You don't have To decide right now. There's no problem in taking some time to think some more about it or to give life one more chance.

either way, I do hope you find the peace you deserve!
Sending you warm thoughts

Thank you for your response. I appreciate your kind words. Yes, it is hard to say goodbye forever to existence when I still have this tiny bit of hope left in me....It kind of sucks in a way. Sometimes I wish it wasn't there so I could just finally put an end to my suffering and be done with this cursed life. It is a tormenting hope.

 

[LMLN]

I have my method planned to the last detail as well. I have not physically written my suicide note yet but I have written it inside my mind at night hundreds of times. Future happiness seems like an impossible fantasy and farfetched pipe-dream for me as well but I don't know if I can surrender to death yet. I'm still kind of ambivalent. It is tormenting me. I wish I could just make a final decision and be confident and at peace with it.

It's a terrible feeling isn't it. My thought is I dont have to make a final decision right now. Just having the option gets me through each day. It makes me feel like I have some control maybe? I hope you can find some peace. I wish that for all of us here. ❤

 

[WhiteDespair]

I have said the exact same things as you have. It's awful. I am doing what you're contemplating: seeing if the effort in life is worth it.

You're similar to me in many respects. You can PM me if you would like to chat.

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

It's a terrible feeling isn't it. My thought is I dont have to make a final decision right now. Just having the option gets me through each day. It makes me feel like I have some control maybe? I hope you can find some peace. I wish that for all of us here. ❤

Yes, I keep telling myself that I don't have to make a decision tonight but I have been stuck in this purgatory and haunted by this question for over three months now....In the meantime I just chain-smoke and abuse drugs to destroy myself and kill myself slowly.

I have said the exact same things as you have. It's awful. I am doing what you're contemplating: seeing if the effort in life is worth it.

You're similar to me in many respects. You can PM me if you would like to chat.

I will take you up on that kind offer my fellow suicidal friend. Thank you. I can always use someone to vent to these days.

 

[Throwawaysoul]

I am lost. I have no idea what to do. This is the hardest decision I've ever been forced to make. What would you do?

Don't rush it and don't feel forced ether. Just like @LMLN I have my method almost ready and I'm just living ( if you can call it that ) until it's absolutely time. It could be next month or next year. If I magically get better between now and then awesome. If not, I know I can just go to the cupboard and pour myself one final nightcap. Ultimate control over my destiny feels pretty good.

 

[Are you lost too?]

Thank you for your response. I appreciate your kind words. Yes, it is hard to say goodbye forever to existence when I still have this tiny bit of hope left in me....It kind of sucks in a way. Sometimes I wish it wasn't there so I could just finally put an end to my suffering and be done with this cursed life. It is a tormenting hope.

we are here for you

I totally understand you. It's really frustrating, like you're in an in between, so you really don't feel like you are anywhere.

at the same time, deciding to ctb is a very tough decision- it's against everything our body is programmed to. So,it's only natural to feel this way....

I feel a lot like that - like I'm not doing anything to move on with my life, nor ending it already. But I don't think like I'm giving a real try at life either .In my case, when I ask myself why,I think it's because I lack the energy and also the will to do rebuild my life . I feel it's pointless. Just a lot of suffering with very little rewards. So I realized I better catch that bus.
At the same time, my therapist says Im doing a lot for myself because I'm taking my meds and going to therapy. That I have to be patient and that things will get better. Except I don't feel nothing changing and have no hopes of anything being better.

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

That is my problem man. I have completely lost the will to live but a small part of me doesn't want to die yet. So here I am just slowly self-destructing and fading away like a ghost.

 

[Are you lost too?]

That is my problem man. I have completely lost the will to live but a small part of me doesn't want to die yet. So here I am just slowly self-destructing and fading away like a ghost.

Yet in a way it's a kind of self punishment we inflict ourselves...

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

Yet in a way it's a kind of self punishment we inflict ourselves...

I am a masochistic fool and a total glutton for punishment...The only thing I've ever been good at is self-destructing and slowly killing myself. I get very creative in the ways I destroy myself. Got to turn my self-loathing into action.

 

[ronigail9]

What you are describing is called survival instinct. It's typical and normal for all people to experience this.

The question is are you wanting to over come SI (survival instinct)? Because that's an entirely different thread, with different suggestions.

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

What you are describing is called survival instinct. It's typical and normal for all people to experience this.

The question is are you wanting to over come SI (survival instinct)? Because that's an entirely different thread, with different suggestions.

That's my problem I don't know if I want to overcome SI and take the plunge into the abyss yet. Most of the time I strongly want to die but that small bit of hope is such a bitch. It mocks me and torments me. If it totally disappears then I will know I'm ready for death.

 

[Dreamwithinadream]

I get what you're saying. I would like to be able to live and so I sometimes delude myself into thinking things will get better. I know this is nearly impossible and that death really is the best option. I think it's all just survival instinct lying to us.

 

[nitrogen]

It takes one moment of courage to step into the abyss but takes a lifetime of courage to live a full life.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I am a 30 year old male. I live at home with my parents. I can't drive. No job. Antisocial loner with no life skills. I am a complete failure and total loser with absolutely nothing positive going for me. Death has been calling my name in a very strong and powerful way these last few months. Death seems like such a tranquil exit and seductive escape from my tortured mind and this miserable world. I fantasize about suicide on a daily basis and it seems like the only solution to my many problems.

My bipolar depression, drug addiction and self-destructive nature have turned me into a bitter walking corpse. Anhedonia has destroyed and burned everything into ash. Severe depression has drained all the color from the world. I can't find a shred of joy or pleasure in anything at all. All of existence is a nihilistic void of boring and painful emptiness. Life has lost all of it's magic and has become nothing but dreary and bleak drudgery. All the vitality is drained from my bones and I feel like I have no energy left in me to fight for life. I am beyond hopeless. I am soulless and dead inside. I am knee-deep in the mire and the mud of the most dreadful misery and the blackest suffering. I feel like I am drowning in sadness and sorrow. The future is black. The future is dead. I am condemned to this grey purgatory of pain and nothingness. This is hell on earth. I feel like a crushed insect under the totalitarian boot of God.

Yet despite all of this a small part of me doesn't want to surrender to the grim end yet. A small part of me wants to believe that I can somehow recover and get better. I feel like I am deluding myself with treacherous lies by hanging onto an almost non-existent thread of hope. I am a wretched and corrupt man full of decay. I feel like I am doomed and beyond redemption. Does anyone else feel like they have one foot in the coffin and are staring into oblivion but are still hesitant to take the final step into the abyss? Does anyone else long for death every minute of the day but have a small part of them that desperately wants to figure out how to keep living?

I am lost. I have no idea what to do. This is the hardest decision I've ever been forced to make. What would you do?

If I were you I'd take that chance and try to get better. Go see a therapist and go to rehab and work the program. There really is a beautiful life out there waiting for people if they put in the work and stick to it. Unfortunately that's not the case for me so if you have a second chance I encourage you to take it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

If I were you I'd take that chance and try to get better. Go see a therapist and go to rehab and work the program. There really is a beautiful life out there waiting for people if they put in the work and stick to it. Unfortunately that's not the case for me so if you have a second chance I encourage you to take it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I believe what you say is correct. It is going to be hard and brutal but I desperately do want to recover and get better. I am just afraid of the long and dark perilous road ahead.

 

[ladolcemorte]

I am a 30 year old male. I live at home with my parents. I can't drive. No job. Antisocial loner with no life skills. I am a complete failure and total loser with absolutely nothing positive going for me. Death has been calling my name in a very strong and powerful way these last few months. Death seems like such a tranquil exit and seductive escape from my tortured mind and this miserable world. I fantasize about suicide on a daily basis and it seems like the only solution to my many problems.

My bipolar depression, drug addiction and self-destructive nature have turned me into a bitter walking corpse. Anhedonia has destroyed and burned everything into ash. Severe depression has drained all the color from the world. I can't find a shred of joy or pleasure in anything at all. All of existence is a nihilistic void of boring and painful emptiness. Life has lost all of it's magic and has become nothing but dreary and bleak drudgery. All the vitality is drained from my bones and I feel like I have no energy left in me to fight for life. I am beyond hopeless. I am soulless and dead inside. I am knee-deep in the mire and the mud of the most dreadful misery and the blackest suffering. I feel like I am drowning in sadness and sorrow. The future is black. The future is dead. I am condemned to this grey purgatory of pain and nothingness. This is hell on earth. I feel like a crushed insect under the totalitarian boot of God.

Yet despite all of this a small part of me doesn't want to surrender to the grim end yet. A small part of me wants to believe that I can somehow recover and get better. I feel like I am deluding myself with treacherous lies by hanging onto an almost non-existent thread of hope. I am a wretched and corrupt man full of decay. I feel like I am doomed and beyond redemption. Does anyone else feel like they have one foot in the coffin and are staring into oblivion but are still hesitant to take the final step into the abyss? Does anyone else long for death every minute of the day but have a small part of them that desperately wants to figure out how to keep living?

I am lost. I have no idea what to do. This is the hardest decision I've ever been forced to make. What would you do?

I know exactly how that feels. It is the worst place to be. It is really hard to choose life when you feel like you want to die.

My advice, for what is worth, is to give it one more try. Throw everything you have at making your life work. Try the counseling, try the pharmaceuticals, try to meet new people (maybe join a group on meetup), try it all. All those things the shrinks say to do, try them, along with anything else you can think of. You are only 30, so you have plenty of time to turn things around. It might not be easy, but if you feel this way, then my advice is to try as hard as you can to make the whole "staying alive" thing work for you.

Someone once told me that if you have any doubt about dying--even the tiniest spec of a doubt---you should give life the benefit of that doubt, because you can't take death back. Once it is done, it is done.

That piece of advice has helped me in the past, so maybe it will help you....but, yeah that tug of war between life and death is brutal.

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

I know exactly how that feels. It is the worst place to be. It is really hard to choose life when you feel like you want to die.

My advice, for what is worth, is to give it one more try. Throw everything you have at making your life work. Try the counseling, try the pharmaceuticals, try to meet new people (maybe join a group on meetup), try it all. All those things the shrinks say to do, try them, along with anything else you can think of. You are only 30, so you have plenty of time to turn things around. It might not be easy, but if you feel this way, then my advice is to try as hard as you can to make the whole "staying alive" thing work for you.

Someone once told me that if you have any doubt about dying--even the tiniest spec of a doubt---you should give life the benefit of that doubt, because you can't take death back. Once it is done, it is done.

That piece of advice has helped me in the past, so maybe it will help you....but, yeah that tug of war between life and death is brutal.

Thank you for the quality advice friend. I appreciate it. A tug of war between life and death is a good way to describe this situation I am in. I am going to take your advice. I have to listen to that small voice of hope. Even though I feel totally crushed, defeated, drained and exhausted all the time I am going to put up one more fight to try to survive and recover. One final attempt at trying to make this disaster of a life somehow work out. If three months down the road I still feel hopeless and doomed then I can be confident in my decision of suicide. Wish me luck guys.....

 

[Essence]

Thank you for the quality advice friend. I appreciate it. A tug of war between life and death is a good way to describe this situation I am in. I am going to take your advice. I have to listen to that small voice of hope. Even though I feel totally crushed, defeated, drained and exhausted all the time I am going to put up one more fight to try to survive and recover. One final attempt at trying to make this disaster of a life somehow work out. If three months down the road I still feel hopeless and doomed then I can be confident in my decision of suicide. Wish me luck guys.....

I wish you the best best luck my friend We are here for you anytime.

 

[noctiva]

I agree with the people posting before me. if you have doubts about dying, don't choose dying. Choose life. And give it your all, seek the help needed, go to rehab and work programs. From my own experience I can tell you that, if you choose therapy, do it with all you've got. Often people go to therapy and fail, because they don't take the lessons home. You're working on yourself and your mindset every day on your own, under the regular guidance with your therapist/ counselor, but the change comes from you, in the time you're not sitting with them. I know you probably know that, but I've seen so many people fail because they expect that the one hour therapist appointment a week will change them. No one will change you, unless you change yourself through hard work and dedication.
I know you can do it, it's a tough road to walk but it's worth giving it a go. We're all here for you, rooting for you, and death isn't going to run away if you choose so later.
I wish you all the very best, however you decide, and hope that you find it within yourself to be kind and compassionate with yourself, no matter how you decide.

 

[CarefulWithThatAxe]

I'm in exactly the same situation as you i desperately want to die but some part of me wants to keep going on for a little longer I guess its just SI trying to stop me from the ultimate self-destruction.

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

I'm in exactly the same situation as you i desperately want to die but some part of me wants to keep going on for a little longer I guess its just SI trying to stop me from the ultimate self-destruction.

Sorry to hear you are in the same hellish and nightmarish situation I am in....I hope we can both find strength to recover and find purpose in living.

 

[CarefulWithThatAxe]

Sorry to hear you are in the same hellish and nightmarish situation I am in....I hope we can both find strength to recover and find purpose in living.

Do you know what get's to me the most ? is i can't even hold down a shitty 9-5 job so i can't even support myself its so degrading.