Yeah I am writing a new post in this suicide forum. I ask myself whether I have reached the 1.000 th thread already. I doubt it. My dad just asked me whether I watch the soccer world tournament match Germany vs. Spain. I declined. So with this little anecdote you see where my preferences are.
My sister struggles a lot currently. Many bad things have happened lost friends, her boyfriend etc. Her reaction is hedonsism and the urge never to be physically alone. I can somewhat understand the latter one but not the first one.
Though I have to admit I also have my guilty pleasures. In the past I was way stricter but I recognized more balance is more healthy for my mind. However compared to most other people I am still pretty restrictive though not really like a monk. One reason for my suicide will probably be poverty. If I really was like a monk poverty probably would not hit me so hard. But I am quite sure I am not capable to cope with that.
I think my relation to hedonism was heavily influenced by my childhood. I experienced a carrot and stick childhood. A lot of physical and mental abuse. However I was often rewarded. I think I was conditioned in a very wrong way and I will never escape that damage. It is deep-rooted in my thinking. I can remember I had materially a very well life as a child. I got everything I wanted. I had way more freedom than other kids in my age. However for example severe obesity was a huge problem. If my parents were smart they would have known that severe obesity makes you an easy target at school. I also developed OCD which made me the target of bullying. And my mom even hit me for that. It was very cyncial. But maybe that is off-topic.
I think I realized very early I got what I wanted. New video games, yummy extremely unhealthy food and a lot of freedom. Though I understood this is not what I really want or better need. I wanted to experience something more deeper. Everything felt so superifical and artificial. There are pictures of me at theme parks. I was 10-13 and I looked very sad. I had this inner melancholia. My superficial needs were met but it still felt so shallow. Life felt so absurd and meaningless. This very hedonistic life as a child made me sick. I had the feeling yes I have played that game through. Experienced everything one can get from it. I ate absurdly unhealthy food on a daily basis. Though the consumption was rather out of desperation. I think it is a fact that bullying for obesity often causes more gain weight.
My life changed a lot when I was 15. I am not sure why exactly to that time. There was a severely traumatizing bullying event one year prior to that. I really was paranoid for the first time in my life then. It could easily be a perfect example for a handbook about incidents which increase the likelihood for paranoid psychosis. I won't go into more details. When I was 15 I changed my life a lot. It was the time when my first mixed-manic episode started. I am not sure what happened first this episode or the day when I looked at the scale saw more than 100 kilogram and decided to change my life in an extreme way. There many things that happened to that time. The bullying in school for obesity got less. It was rather paradoxical when the bullying stopped I wanted to lose weight. People made fun of me for my weight and low IQ. So I wanted to educate myself and lose weight. The things got pretty quickly into the other side of the extreme.
I worked extremely hard at school, neglected health and sleep. Lost a huge amount of weight in a very short time. I am pretty sure I had the energy for that because of my mixed bipolar episode. It was extreme. Many showed me respect for these changes. Though most of these asshole are not even worth that. Fuck them. My friends always liked me no matter my weight.
I started kind of asceticism. I already wrote a thread about that. But I want to focus here on hedonism. I think I am kind of a different person since this first first mixed-bipolar episode. And I am a differerent more self-aware person since my second psychosis.
I know both worlds this hedonism from my childhood and now this more self-disciplined me. I think in both extremes both are very detrimental. I am still a control-freak, highly disciplined, obsessed by education and my weight. But it is a milder version compared to the past. I think bipolar people tend to extreme behavior and I have some golden rules to avoid a new episode. Due to my self-discipline and emergency medication I had some success and my life quality improved on different levels.
Personally I clearly can say my hedonistic life was way more shallow and empty than my current approach. I see this with my sister. She has also mental illness and I think hedonsim for someone who has depression is a difficult goal. Of course it depends on the individual for some it can be a great way for recovery. But with my mental illness I often recognized I cannot reach that happiness level of other people. Many people can focus more on the positive, don't have these daily sorrows, can live the excess without negative consequences for their mental health.
This discipline and the daily routines have helped to stabilize me. I am still suffering a lot. But my golden rules and the attempt for clear rational reasoning have helped. For sure I had some luck. There were many parting of ways when I almost went the other path. My therapists and one other person of my support network nudged me in the right direction. I still doubt that my life will have an happy end. But I have made some progress which I never expected.
Maybe I am talking a little bit too much about myself and too less about hedonism. So I will add some points about hedonsim. I am glad I never took drugs. I have for sure the brain which would implode by taking them. So my antipathy for hedonism helped me in this instance. I think I tend to obsessive and extreme behavior. When I started a drug in a low dosage I would probably not stay that low. At least my coffee consumption in manic epsiodes pointed in that direction.
I tend to strive for sublimation as an aim. But not how Freud it meant. I am no expert but I think there are different defintions of sublimation. Personally I mean by that that I try to use my suffering in a productive way to create something bigger than me. Something which is more important than my insignificant self.
Moreover I want to add that I mistrust the modern hedonsim in our capitalistic world. Marketing invents new desires and wishes the people crave for. Maybe I am not really aware whether the thing that I seemingly want is really that what I need. This reminds of this time in the theme park. Everybody acted like this is the greatest place to be in. Let's be happy and let's forget our sorrows. But it did not feel meaningful. I could now start an elaboration what I consider meaningful but this thread already is insanely long.
To be honest maybe it is not that smart to write such a long thread. Who really wants to read such a wall of a text? I like when people read my threads and interact with them. Though there is less traffic. But the writing in itself is often kind of carthatic.
So what are your experiences with hedonism?
My sister struggles a lot currently. Many bad things have happened lost friends, her boyfriend etc. Her reaction is hedonsism and the urge never to be physically alone. I can somewhat understand the latter one but not the first one.
Though I have to admit I also have my guilty pleasures. In the past I was way stricter but I recognized more balance is more healthy for my mind. However compared to most other people I am still pretty restrictive though not really like a monk. One reason for my suicide will probably be poverty. If I really was like a monk poverty probably would not hit me so hard. But I am quite sure I am not capable to cope with that.
I think my relation to hedonism was heavily influenced by my childhood. I experienced a carrot and stick childhood. A lot of physical and mental abuse. However I was often rewarded. I think I was conditioned in a very wrong way and I will never escape that damage. It is deep-rooted in my thinking. I can remember I had materially a very well life as a child. I got everything I wanted. I had way more freedom than other kids in my age. However for example severe obesity was a huge problem. If my parents were smart they would have known that severe obesity makes you an easy target at school. I also developed OCD which made me the target of bullying. And my mom even hit me for that. It was very cyncial. But maybe that is off-topic.
I think I realized very early I got what I wanted. New video games, yummy extremely unhealthy food and a lot of freedom. Though I understood this is not what I really want or better need. I wanted to experience something more deeper. Everything felt so superifical and artificial. There are pictures of me at theme parks. I was 10-13 and I looked very sad. I had this inner melancholia. My superficial needs were met but it still felt so shallow. Life felt so absurd and meaningless. This very hedonistic life as a child made me sick. I had the feeling yes I have played that game through. Experienced everything one can get from it. I ate absurdly unhealthy food on a daily basis. Though the consumption was rather out of desperation. I think it is a fact that bullying for obesity often causes more gain weight.
My life changed a lot when I was 15. I am not sure why exactly to that time. There was a severely traumatizing bullying event one year prior to that. I really was paranoid for the first time in my life then. It could easily be a perfect example for a handbook about incidents which increase the likelihood for paranoid psychosis. I won't go into more details. When I was 15 I changed my life a lot. It was the time when my first mixed-manic episode started. I am not sure what happened first this episode or the day when I looked at the scale saw more than 100 kilogram and decided to change my life in an extreme way. There many things that happened to that time. The bullying in school for obesity got less. It was rather paradoxical when the bullying stopped I wanted to lose weight. People made fun of me for my weight and low IQ. So I wanted to educate myself and lose weight. The things got pretty quickly into the other side of the extreme.
I worked extremely hard at school, neglected health and sleep. Lost a huge amount of weight in a very short time. I am pretty sure I had the energy for that because of my mixed bipolar episode. It was extreme. Many showed me respect for these changes. Though most of these asshole are not even worth that. Fuck them. My friends always liked me no matter my weight.
I started kind of asceticism. I already wrote a thread about that. But I want to focus here on hedonism. I think I am kind of a different person since this first first mixed-bipolar episode. And I am a differerent more self-aware person since my second psychosis.
I know both worlds this hedonism from my childhood and now this more self-disciplined me. I think in both extremes both are very detrimental. I am still a control-freak, highly disciplined, obsessed by education and my weight. But it is a milder version compared to the past. I think bipolar people tend to extreme behavior and I have some golden rules to avoid a new episode. Due to my self-discipline and emergency medication I had some success and my life quality improved on different levels.
Personally I clearly can say my hedonistic life was way more shallow and empty than my current approach. I see this with my sister. She has also mental illness and I think hedonsim for someone who has depression is a difficult goal. Of course it depends on the individual for some it can be a great way for recovery. But with my mental illness I often recognized I cannot reach that happiness level of other people. Many people can focus more on the positive, don't have these daily sorrows, can live the excess without negative consequences for their mental health.
This discipline and the daily routines have helped to stabilize me. I am still suffering a lot. But my golden rules and the attempt for clear rational reasoning have helped. For sure I had some luck. There were many parting of ways when I almost went the other path. My therapists and one other person of my support network nudged me in the right direction. I still doubt that my life will have an happy end. But I have made some progress which I never expected.
Maybe I am talking a little bit too much about myself and too less about hedonism. So I will add some points about hedonsim. I am glad I never took drugs. I have for sure the brain which would implode by taking them. So my antipathy for hedonism helped me in this instance. I think I tend to obsessive and extreme behavior. When I started a drug in a low dosage I would probably not stay that low. At least my coffee consumption in manic epsiodes pointed in that direction.
I tend to strive for sublimation as an aim. But not how Freud it meant. I am no expert but I think there are different defintions of sublimation. Personally I mean by that that I try to use my suffering in a productive way to create something bigger than me. Something which is more important than my insignificant self.
Moreover I want to add that I mistrust the modern hedonsim in our capitalistic world. Marketing invents new desires and wishes the people crave for. Maybe I am not really aware whether the thing that I seemingly want is really that what I need. This reminds of this time in the theme park. Everybody acted like this is the greatest place to be in. Let's be happy and let's forget our sorrows. But it did not feel meaningful. I could now start an elaboration what I consider meaningful but this thread already is insanely long.
To be honest maybe it is not that smart to write such a long thread. Who really wants to read such a wall of a text? I like when people read my threads and interact with them. Though there is less traffic. But the writing in itself is often kind of carthatic.
So what are your experiences with hedonism?
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