First I wanted to post a thread about loneliness but I want it to have a more general approach.
I am unhappy. I am all the time unhappy. I have holidyas. I have free time. Currently barely any duties. I currently have enough money. I have friends that love me. My family supports me. I got rid off nasty side effects. But I tend to bea very unhappy person. For me the current life quality is probably one of the best for the rest of my life. And I still feel so fucking unhappy. My circumstances will deteriorate a lot. My financial situation will drop massively. I think when my parents die my life quality will further drop by A LOT. So much that I am pretty sure that I will kill myself.
I had so much free time today. I could do whatever I want. And still I hate my life. I think I am very principled person. In German one would say I am a very "verkopft(er)" guy. There is no proper English translation. In some translators they suggest overly intellectual but in my opinion this has completely diffferent connotations. Overly intellectual sounds conceited and has too many positive implications. For me being "verkopft" is something else. You are analyzing your whole life, always trying to solve problems with logic rather than emotions/feelings. Not listening to what you feel and instead you listen to cognitive considerations. It is easily to overthink things if you are in that spot. You ruminate way too much. You ruminate so much that you forget to live your life.
I think my life quality is objectively pretty low. I think my obsessions and traumatas haunt me too much to enjoy my "free-time". I don't really feel genuinely free. I do what I want. But my desires are affected by my abuse and traumatas. I am hungry every single day. I am very thin. At school I was severely bullied for being stupid and obese. At home my mom beated me up every single day for being lazy. Sometimes she called me fat despite the fact she gave me masses of unhealthy food. I almost only eat low calory food nowadays. I never exercise because I don't like sports and I do not want to waste time for that. In order to remain thin I prefer being hungry all the time in contrast to sports (my time is required for other obsessions). One of my friends told me like my family he could never live like that always being hungry this would be too bad for his mental health. To be honest I have the feeling I have become numb to mental pain below a certain threshold. The insanely extreme pain mentally and psychosomatic after my manias made me realize how big pain really can be. Experiencing this made me even more disciplined. I changed my whole life, all my routines to never experience that pain again. And if I relapse I am ready to kill myself. I am hungry but I am rather apathetic towards it. My obession over being thin is way more important to me. For me the "pain" sports can induce is way worse. It hurts being hungry all the time but there are way worse things. Seldomly you begin to like that pain. When I was obese I ate shit 24/7. I ate horribly unhealthy food and when I crossed a certain weight I wanted to quit. Interestingly to that time the bullying stopped too. I had the feeliing that I finished that game. I ate all the things I wanted to eat. It could not fill the void I felt inside anyway. I somewhat lost the interest in that. Also in shortterm pleasure that has longterm severe consequences. This was one starting point why asceticism as a way to live started to interest me. I wanted to get rid of certain human needs in order to reach a higher existential level. But there are so many paradoxes that I could write a whole thread on that. What I actually once did. I am certainly no monk and I never wanted to be one. I rather tried to filter bad or damaging habits that people tend to have due to laziness.
Playing phone games can give me dopamine boosts and I enjoy that. But if I invested real life money I would quit it immediately.
Moreover it is very cold in my apartment and I am apathetic towards that. And sometimes in summer I was so much overwhelmed by my worries I forgot the heat around me. I am pretty bad at listening to my senses. The thing with the always cold room is: I am very anxious about poverty and giving away money hurts me despite the fact currently I am not in such a bad situation in that instance. But it is also true that I hate a warm room when I want to sleep I sleep way better in cold rooms. But an always cold apartment would be uncomfortable for many people too. My anxiety about poverty is just way worse than being in a cold apartment.
Loneliness. I feel lonely but I am not good at changing that. I am texting with another bipolar friend of mine at this moment. This is why the thread is not fully coherent anymore. I feel very lonely but I am not sure why. In my holidays I met my best friends like 7-8 times. We send us A LOT of text messages every single day (also voice messages). I have my mom around me often. But I am very alienated of her. I don't want to have any body contact like a hug because it reminds me of the physical abuse. I don't want to spend time with her in an unnecessary way. I crave for a relationship with a partner. I am not sure which the main reasons for that are. Is it the mutual love and support? Is it the intimacy like hugging each other? Is it the sexual component? Or is it emotionally? Why can the time with my friends not replace that? I texted with women in the past. It helped to feel less lonely but I still feel lonely. I would like to know whether anyphysical intimacy could change that. From what I have heard sex with a stranger can feel pretty lonely too though. I read that maybe a human always feels incomplete without a partner. Like there was a piece of the puzzle which is missing. Weird thought: if there was a creator maybe this is why sex basically is like a completion/union of two people. Without a soul mate one feels unfinished. I am not sure whether that is the main reason for my loneliness. I texted that bipolar woman in order to feel less lonely this evening. Maybe if we talked about intimate issues this could ease my loneliness. We are both not interested as partners I assume. It does not really work to ease my loneliness though.
I think I post so much also explicitly about my feeling and inner thoughts because I am deeply lonely and unhappy. However I have so much contact to my friends and other people that I barely can grasp the loneliness which I feel. I know that when I read David Foster Wallace this can ease my feeling of lonelineness. One feels like in a skull of another person. Like in someone else's consciousness or mind. Something I sometimes try to copy in my threads but I am extremely way worse than DFW in this writing style. So I ask myself whether this is existential loneliness. A loneliness which one feels due to the fact other people cannot connect to me. Furthermore that no matter how well I articulate my inner feelings no one can feel what I feel. I will be alone with that feeling. Noone can protect me from experiencing them. We will never know for sure what other people feel. We might use similar words but we can never be sure. There are some solipsistic thoughts that come to my mind but I will come to something else.
Often I feel lonely especially when I am around other people. Or in crowds. In college I feel like something separates me from them. I am older, I don't go to parties, I am eager as fuck, I don't drink alcohol, I do not do extracurricular activities etc. I am just different I don't feel like I belong to them. Sometimes parties make me sad. With my best friends I can enjoy them because they are aware of my pain. I was at this party of my best college friends. Two people knew there that I struggle but nothing about my suicidality. Only due to the fact my two college friends knew my pain I could enjoy the party somewhat. It really eased my pain. I could give a happy face because of that and laugh and joke and all this (hypocritical) bullshit. But the more strangers there are around me the more lonely do I feel. But why do I shit my inner feelings and desires then in an online forum where strangers from all of the world can read them? I think because I can relate to a lot of you. In contrast to strangers on the street. (average people)
This thread is far from perfect. I had to take breaks of writing from this thread because I texted with that bipolar girl about very sensitive and intimate topics. But I don't feel that much less lonely because of it. Maybe because I don't have romantic interest in her? But I have the desire to hug and cuddle someone. Though when I hug my friends it does not feel special. Am I just too "verkopft"? Is there a special meaning behind all of that? Is there simply just something wrong in my head? Could average people be satisfied by less? Do I have too high standards? -> will this drive me to commit suicide? How would I feel in isolation? Why do I feel currently like in a similar state to isolation? Questions over questions and no clear answer.
I wanted to explain my insane obssesion with education. I listen to newspaper and journal articles every single day for at least 6 hours especially in the holidays. I sometimes make that the whole day. My obsession about intelligence and education is pathetic because I am not that extraordinary smart. It is has to do with my bullying experiences but I am far away from being an intellectual which I realized when I met a real intellectual who hated me. My notion of intellectual stimulation certainly can give me something. But a life should not only consist of that. However I lost interest in many mundane activities. I am in a weird state. My prefered notion of myself and what other people think of me is so much more important to me than what I actually feel.
I could have written so much more but I should go to sleep soon. Thanks for reading!
I am unhappy. I am all the time unhappy. I have holidyas. I have free time. Currently barely any duties. I currently have enough money. I have friends that love me. My family supports me. I got rid off nasty side effects. But I tend to bea very unhappy person. For me the current life quality is probably one of the best for the rest of my life. And I still feel so fucking unhappy. My circumstances will deteriorate a lot. My financial situation will drop massively. I think when my parents die my life quality will further drop by A LOT. So much that I am pretty sure that I will kill myself.
I had so much free time today. I could do whatever I want. And still I hate my life. I think I am very principled person. In German one would say I am a very "verkopft(er)" guy. There is no proper English translation. In some translators they suggest overly intellectual but in my opinion this has completely diffferent connotations. Overly intellectual sounds conceited and has too many positive implications. For me being "verkopft" is something else. You are analyzing your whole life, always trying to solve problems with logic rather than emotions/feelings. Not listening to what you feel and instead you listen to cognitive considerations. It is easily to overthink things if you are in that spot. You ruminate way too much. You ruminate so much that you forget to live your life.
I think my life quality is objectively pretty low. I think my obsessions and traumatas haunt me too much to enjoy my "free-time". I don't really feel genuinely free. I do what I want. But my desires are affected by my abuse and traumatas. I am hungry every single day. I am very thin. At school I was severely bullied for being stupid and obese. At home my mom beated me up every single day for being lazy. Sometimes she called me fat despite the fact she gave me masses of unhealthy food. I almost only eat low calory food nowadays. I never exercise because I don't like sports and I do not want to waste time for that. In order to remain thin I prefer being hungry all the time in contrast to sports (my time is required for other obsessions). One of my friends told me like my family he could never live like that always being hungry this would be too bad for his mental health. To be honest I have the feeling I have become numb to mental pain below a certain threshold. The insanely extreme pain mentally and psychosomatic after my manias made me realize how big pain really can be. Experiencing this made me even more disciplined. I changed my whole life, all my routines to never experience that pain again. And if I relapse I am ready to kill myself. I am hungry but I am rather apathetic towards it. My obession over being thin is way more important to me. For me the "pain" sports can induce is way worse. It hurts being hungry all the time but there are way worse things. Seldomly you begin to like that pain. When I was obese I ate shit 24/7. I ate horribly unhealthy food and when I crossed a certain weight I wanted to quit. Interestingly to that time the bullying stopped too. I had the feeliing that I finished that game. I ate all the things I wanted to eat. It could not fill the void I felt inside anyway. I somewhat lost the interest in that. Also in shortterm pleasure that has longterm severe consequences. This was one starting point why asceticism as a way to live started to interest me. I wanted to get rid of certain human needs in order to reach a higher existential level. But there are so many paradoxes that I could write a whole thread on that. What I actually once did. I am certainly no monk and I never wanted to be one. I rather tried to filter bad or damaging habits that people tend to have due to laziness.
Playing phone games can give me dopamine boosts and I enjoy that. But if I invested real life money I would quit it immediately.
Moreover it is very cold in my apartment and I am apathetic towards that. And sometimes in summer I was so much overwhelmed by my worries I forgot the heat around me. I am pretty bad at listening to my senses. The thing with the always cold room is: I am very anxious about poverty and giving away money hurts me despite the fact currently I am not in such a bad situation in that instance. But it is also true that I hate a warm room when I want to sleep I sleep way better in cold rooms. But an always cold apartment would be uncomfortable for many people too. My anxiety about poverty is just way worse than being in a cold apartment.
Loneliness. I feel lonely but I am not good at changing that. I am texting with another bipolar friend of mine at this moment. This is why the thread is not fully coherent anymore. I feel very lonely but I am not sure why. In my holidays I met my best friends like 7-8 times. We send us A LOT of text messages every single day (also voice messages). I have my mom around me often. But I am very alienated of her. I don't want to have any body contact like a hug because it reminds me of the physical abuse. I don't want to spend time with her in an unnecessary way. I crave for a relationship with a partner. I am not sure which the main reasons for that are. Is it the mutual love and support? Is it the intimacy like hugging each other? Is it the sexual component? Or is it emotionally? Why can the time with my friends not replace that? I texted with women in the past. It helped to feel less lonely but I still feel lonely. I would like to know whether anyphysical intimacy could change that. From what I have heard sex with a stranger can feel pretty lonely too though. I read that maybe a human always feels incomplete without a partner. Like there was a piece of the puzzle which is missing. Weird thought: if there was a creator maybe this is why sex basically is like a completion/union of two people. Without a soul mate one feels unfinished. I am not sure whether that is the main reason for my loneliness. I texted that bipolar woman in order to feel less lonely this evening. Maybe if we talked about intimate issues this could ease my loneliness. We are both not interested as partners I assume. It does not really work to ease my loneliness though.
I think I post so much also explicitly about my feeling and inner thoughts because I am deeply lonely and unhappy. However I have so much contact to my friends and other people that I barely can grasp the loneliness which I feel. I know that when I read David Foster Wallace this can ease my feeling of lonelineness. One feels like in a skull of another person. Like in someone else's consciousness or mind. Something I sometimes try to copy in my threads but I am extremely way worse than DFW in this writing style. So I ask myself whether this is existential loneliness. A loneliness which one feels due to the fact other people cannot connect to me. Furthermore that no matter how well I articulate my inner feelings no one can feel what I feel. I will be alone with that feeling. Noone can protect me from experiencing them. We will never know for sure what other people feel. We might use similar words but we can never be sure. There are some solipsistic thoughts that come to my mind but I will come to something else.
Often I feel lonely especially when I am around other people. Or in crowds. In college I feel like something separates me from them. I am older, I don't go to parties, I am eager as fuck, I don't drink alcohol, I do not do extracurricular activities etc. I am just different I don't feel like I belong to them. Sometimes parties make me sad. With my best friends I can enjoy them because they are aware of my pain. I was at this party of my best college friends. Two people knew there that I struggle but nothing about my suicidality. Only due to the fact my two college friends knew my pain I could enjoy the party somewhat. It really eased my pain. I could give a happy face because of that and laugh and joke and all this (hypocritical) bullshit. But the more strangers there are around me the more lonely do I feel. But why do I shit my inner feelings and desires then in an online forum where strangers from all of the world can read them? I think because I can relate to a lot of you. In contrast to strangers on the street. (average people)
This thread is far from perfect. I had to take breaks of writing from this thread because I texted with that bipolar girl about very sensitive and intimate topics. But I don't feel that much less lonely because of it. Maybe because I don't have romantic interest in her? But I have the desire to hug and cuddle someone. Though when I hug my friends it does not feel special. Am I just too "verkopft"? Is there a special meaning behind all of that? Is there simply just something wrong in my head? Could average people be satisfied by less? Do I have too high standards? -> will this drive me to commit suicide? How would I feel in isolation? Why do I feel currently like in a similar state to isolation? Questions over questions and no clear answer.
I wanted to explain my insane obssesion with education. I listen to newspaper and journal articles every single day for at least 6 hours especially in the holidays. I sometimes make that the whole day. My obsession about intelligence and education is pathetic because I am not that extraordinary smart. It is has to do with my bullying experiences but I am far away from being an intellectual which I realized when I met a real intellectual who hated me. My notion of intellectual stimulation certainly can give me something. But a life should not only consist of that. However I lost interest in many mundane activities. I am in a weird state. My prefered notion of myself and what other people think of me is so much more important to me than what I actually feel.
I could have written so much more but I should go to sleep soon. Thanks for reading!
Last edited:
s your way.
