western_heart
trying to save ourself
- May 23, 2021
- 630
I haven't been working for three months and I am not trying to get another job. But I've still been living and spending normally. I have to pay rent every month for my apartment and have a car payment too. My savings will cover those expenses for a few more months and everything that can can go on a credit card does. I'm approaching five figures in credit card debt (again). My partner and I are planning to die together once the money is about to run out, before we get to the point of being evicted.
I have dissociative identity disorder and the working parts of me are... not here. They get so scared. They have lots of reasons to be afraid. The pressure of knowing that our success depends on whether we can make enough money or not ... that we might face a drop in standard of living and no longer be able to afford the comforts that make life tolerable ... we'd rather die than face that. I am just now (35 years since birth) starting to get to know the different parts of myself and integrate more of my memories and feelings. But I can't force parts to do anything or communicate, and the parts that could work do not wish to. They are suicidal too. There are barriers inside my head that keep me from talking or even thinking about even applying for jobs. So far my system has not created a new alter to get me out of this and I don't think it's going to.
Once I learned that this disorder stems from childhood trauma, and accepted it, I decided that I can't go back to relying on my parents for anything. The dissociation gets worse when I am around my family. They've hurt me enough and I do not need to continue to exist for them.
I have multiple reasons to want to die. Physical health is a big factor, when we were still working I was not able to maintain a healthy weight and needed lots of drugs to keep myself stable enough to show up for work. My entire system accepts suicide and has been considering it for almost a decade now, I think. But as an alter I do not experience a lot of the discomfort that led to this decision. I don't feel the emotional pain from childhood that led me to go no contact with my family. I didn't deal with the humiliation of being fired at my last job. I don't worry about money or available credit. I find out about how I feel by reading things the other parts write. Sometimes I learn about my own feelings from my posts on this very forum. It sucks... I'm just watching and waiting. I am not responsible for planning my suicide, another alter has that responsibility.
Killing myself is how I save myself from further pain, I guess.
I have dissociative identity disorder and the working parts of me are... not here. They get so scared. They have lots of reasons to be afraid. The pressure of knowing that our success depends on whether we can make enough money or not ... that we might face a drop in standard of living and no longer be able to afford the comforts that make life tolerable ... we'd rather die than face that. I am just now (35 years since birth) starting to get to know the different parts of myself and integrate more of my memories and feelings. But I can't force parts to do anything or communicate, and the parts that could work do not wish to. They are suicidal too. There are barriers inside my head that keep me from talking or even thinking about even applying for jobs. So far my system has not created a new alter to get me out of this and I don't think it's going to.
Once I learned that this disorder stems from childhood trauma, and accepted it, I decided that I can't go back to relying on my parents for anything. The dissociation gets worse when I am around my family. They've hurt me enough and I do not need to continue to exist for them.
I have multiple reasons to want to die. Physical health is a big factor, when we were still working I was not able to maintain a healthy weight and needed lots of drugs to keep myself stable enough to show up for work. My entire system accepts suicide and has been considering it for almost a decade now, I think. But as an alter I do not experience a lot of the discomfort that led to this decision. I don't feel the emotional pain from childhood that led me to go no contact with my family. I didn't deal with the humiliation of being fired at my last job. I don't worry about money or available credit. I find out about how I feel by reading things the other parts write. Sometimes I learn about my own feelings from my posts on this very forum. It sucks... I'm just watching and waiting. I am not responsible for planning my suicide, another alter has that responsibility.
Killing myself is how I save myself from further pain, I guess.
