Venting i am my own hell (i want to be nothing)

[v0id]

i feel like dying. i have forgotten what it's like to actually live. i don't think the pain is worth it for whatever good things there are out there. i feel so fucking hollow, incredibly empty. i don't feel passion towards the things that i do. writing, drawing. whatever it is, it feels pointless. i don't think i have a purpose in this life. i began thinking before that this is probably the "character" i'm supposed to play as; the irreparably miserable one.

there was no good thing about me. i feel nauseous looking at the mirror. it's sickening observing myself in my head as i clown myself and calculate every action so that i would belong, somehow. people have perceived me so wrongly; perhaps they were blinded with the shine of the medals i meaninglessly earned throughout the years. whether i get curses or compliments, i feel digusted with myself.

everything in me is so wrong.

i wish i have the courage to take a life. my life. perhaps, i'm too young. and the older ones have told me that it's worse when you're older. if it's this bad today, i'm sure there is no hope for tomorrow. i don't think that's pessimistic, but rather, realistic; i live in a third world country. the government is shit and is ran by rich clowns. it has been for fucking decades. they themselves are out of touch. how are you supposed to hope when you are inside a country like that?

my stomach hurts physically when i think of the future. it's already excruciating, repeating every single day and every single routine with teachers and people i don't even like and subjects i don't even give a fuck about. then after university, what then? another endless cycle of being enslaved by money? the choice of opting out from being enslaved by capitalism is only open for the ones who are privileged enough to even work and rich enough to pursue the life they wanted. even necessities cost a fuck ton of money.


there is no way out. for me. i could not enjoy this life the way my peers does. i know this system hates me the way i hate it. i could not live with that. every system is just... against my odds.

why i haven't killed myself so far: i fear that there is an afterlife. it is an irrational belief and rather strange coming from a nonbeliever and a non-religious person like i am, but i could not erase the possibility. i don't want to live again anymore after this, no matter in what form. it's endless torment. i am afraid of eternity. what am i to do, then, if i were to continue? i agree with the protagonist of no longer human by dazai osamu—i could believe in hell, but not the existence of heaven.

i sure do hope that if i die, then that's it. no more of this consciousness shit. i think that as long as i am myself and that i have this brain (or soul, if there really is), i would suffer.

i want to be nothing.

 

[Kempel556]

It gets worse when you are older because you have more responsabilities and pressure to do certain things with your life, like all of a sudden people expect you to have a perfect adult life and that really isn´t realistic because we all face certain problems that don´t let us achive that. I get mad when my parents tell what to do with my life just because they want me to be the same as them, but they orverlook my mental struggles and I prefer not to let them know I have them because they would just overreact . Also alot of people have to believe in something just so they can have a sense of belonging in their lives even if they don´t belive in anything when faced with death people grab on to anything. Life really is cruel and sad

 

[v0id]

It gets worse when you are older because you have more responsabilities and pressure to do certain things with your life, like all of a sudden people expect you to have a perfect adult life and that really isn´t realistic because we all face certain problems that don´t let us achive that. I get mad when my parents tell what to do with my life just because they want me to be the same as them, but they orverlook my mental struggles and I prefer not to let them know I have them because they would just overreact . Also alot of people have to believe in something just so they can have a sense of belonging in their lives even if they don´t belive in anything when faced with death people grab on to anything. Life really is cruel and sad

worse if your parents does not take mental issues seriously. or if it's a taboo for them. it's like that with my parents. they would label me as insane or crazy if i had told them what was happening inside of me. i wish you all the best, though !!

 

[FuneralCry]

I also just wish for nothingness, having the ability to exist truly is something so dreadful and repulsive, this cruel world could never be a desirable place to exist in to me, it's horrific how there is no limit as to how much one can suffer which is why only the permanent absence of everything appeals to me.