I am like a car accident horrible and a tragedy but you can't look away

[noname223]

I think this fits my behavior in public. I have made some progress in behaving like an average (mentally healthy) person. I enhanced my behavior concerning looking people in the eyes and 1 to 1 conversations. But I am still really bad at talking publicly. It is really weird how I behave. Most people ignore it. Some probably find it funny or awkward. I try to sound intelligent and articulate due to that it is less embarrassing for me. Many people think I was really smart. I had an appointment with my therapist recently he once again emphasized that he thinks that I am really intelligent. I told him I feel like an imposter - I am really convinced to be one. He said many people with success feel like that. (He paints my tiny progress as success lol). There is this imposter syndrome. Though I really think with my behavior I try to leave the impression I was very very intelligent. I think due to that many people overestimate my intelligence.

I have once met a professor in a mental health clinic. He saw through my charade/ facade. He did not really think I was smart. I annoyed him with my behavior. Though my behavior is kind of pathologicall and I can't turn it off. He was very annoyed by me. This man was the smartest guy I have ever met in my life. I think even for a professor he was exceptionally smart.
I am also friend with maybe the smartest guy in my university course. I am not sure whether he considers me smart. I think he finds it not smart of me reading so much media sources. He prefers scientifical methods. Sometimes in our debates I can make one or two good points but it is obvious he is smarter than me.

I am so obsessed what other people think of me. It is pathetic. My whole behavior centers around that. I try to accumulate all this knowledge and education just to be a fraud.

I think the metaphor of the title is true. It makes it harder to find a girlfriend but I try to use irony and sarcasm as my defence. I am good at making witty jokes in conversations to override my insecurities and weaknesses. Though the women don't consider this as enough I think. I rather have some other pathological behaviors which make it really hard to find a girlfriend. I am overthinking things in an extreme way. I don't want to give up on that. However my illnesses destroyed all my past attempts so far. I will keep trying. I have my limits and until they are not reached I will continue to try to solve my issues.

 

[Pluto]

Some of what you describe can be classic autism, or perhaps the aftermath of serious abuse. (There seems a large grey area between the two.) I always feel conspicuous, too. And the harder I try to appear normal or to try and access the satisfying sense of connection that neurotypicals take for granted dozens of times per day, the more frustrating and exhausting each day becomes. I don't have an answer, but it would certainly help to know exactly what the root problem is.

 

[toseeyousmile]

I'm pretty weird myself but I usually just act normal when I need to in front of family or strangers because being honest with myself would cause trouble that'd be a pain to deal with so it's easier to just put on a facade and play the role I need to play. But I think my case is different than yours, but I think I can relate. I also like getting approval from others. Attention and not being looked down on but now I'm older and close to ctb, that there really isn't that much of a point in being your honest and cringe self. Because I think other people are cringe all the time and like who cares, as long as what's deep down is that they're good decent people then it's fine nobody actually cares that much and the people who do care and are judgemental are the bad ones you'd obviously want to avoid. But these are the same you'd want approval from. And this is where I'm stuck, idk what to tell you. The only thing I can tell you I guess is just like, think of how you'd think about a yourself if you're a stranger, personally I literally don't care how you'd treat me in public or in a conversation unless you're clearly an ass then you're probably chill and cool and I think that's good enough, idk if thats a convincing enough argument but that's what I'm living by.

 

[CTBgenuine]

I think this fits my behavior in public. I have made some progress in behaving like an average (mentally healthy) person. I enhanced my behavior concerning looking people in the eyes and 1 to 1 conversations. But I am still really bad at talking publicly. It is really weird how I behave. Most people ignore it. Some probably find it funny or awkward. I try to sound intelligent and articulate due to that it is less embarrassing for me. Many people think I was really smart. I had an appointment with my therapist recently he once again emphasized that he thinks that I am really intelligent. I told him I feel like an imposter - I am really convinced to be one. He said many people with success feel like that. (He paints my tiny progress as success lol). There is this imposter syndrome. Though I really think with my behavior I try to leave the impression I was very very intelligent. I think due to that many people overestimate my intelligence.

I have once met a professor in a mental health clinic. He saw through my charade/ facade. He did not really think I was smart. I annoyed him with my behavior. Though my behavior is kind of pathologicall and I can't turn it off. He was very annoyed by me. This man was the smartest guy I have ever met in my life. I think even for a professor he was exceptionally smart.
I am also friend with maybe the smartest guy in my university course. I am not sure whether he considers me smart. I think he finds it not smart of me reading so much media sources. He prefers scientifical methods. Sometimes in our debates I can make one or two good points but it is obvious he is smarter than me.

I am so obsessed what other people think of me. It is pathetic. My whole behavior centers around that. I try to accumulate all this knowledge and education just to be a fraud.

I think the metaphor of the title is true. It makes it harder to find a girlfriend but I try to use irony and sarcasm as my defence. I am good at making witty jokes in conversations to override my insecurities and weaknesses. Though the women don't consider this as enough I think. I rather have some other pathological behaviors which make it really hard to find a girlfriend. I am overthinking things in an extreme way. I don't want to give up on that. However my illnesses destroyed all my past attempts so far. I will keep trying. I have my limits and until they are not reached I will continue to try to solve my issues.

That's youth! The older you get and the more experience you get the less you give AF. I used to care aswell but now I don't give a flying fuck. I dress how I want, look how I want and I don't people please as much. The power of "Fuck off" and "no" is the important.