Venting I am just a npc in this world of Disappointments, irony and hypocrisy.

[Fakereality]

What am i ? My so called life isn't mine it's always has been determined by choices made by others, my body if anything love forcing it's desires and wishes on me which reality has made it quite clear that they could never be fulfilled which in turn only leads to further degradation and suffering only a guest inside my own skin that's all i amount to be, feel so tired of observing this reality which only seem to exist to torment me so tired of seeing "happiness" on faces of so many yet never been able to grasp it in my own hands, even my dreams are full of nightmares can't even experience nothingness in sleep, there were so many combinations of things which universe could have made life and existence out of yet this what it created in it's randomness of course for the rich and gifted this existence and reality is a present they can't get enough of, life if anything is a game played by those of those of higher status against opponents which are long dead players like Julius ceasar played the game so did Augustus and so did Alexander the great so on, human history is pushed forward by those kind of rich and powerful lucky birth players while pawns are more or less always the same whose sole reason to exist is to glorified the board so that players playing the game feel more better about themselves there can hardly be any kind of beauty in this type of reality if anything living feels more like an obligation forced upon me, there's truly nothing in this world i truly own except disappointments.

 

[sopwithcamel]

It feels as if some of us are born into a permanent underclass with no way to escape. Maybe you can escape... but only after overcoming structural barriers and that's close to impossible. What can you do when other people can control you and change the course of your life for better or for worse? What agency do regular people like us have? We're just seen as "infantile idiots who can't make rational decisions" and on top of this, "you have to hide your suicidality, or else you'll be locked away like a prisoner and lose even more freedom." (I'm putting this in quotes because those aren't my words, an user here named KuriGohan&Kamehameha wrote these.) To induce learned helplessness into someone is to make them compliant for life... I wish I knew how to get rid of that mentality...

What can we do? All my life I've been told "I can't do this or that"; today I've been told "that's not how it works" after I wanted to opt out of something that I know would worsen my mental health, I'm always talked down to like a toddler, what control do *I* have? I can take my own life but I'm holding on like an idiot in the hopes it'll eventually "get better." But I've been waiting for years now. My mental state doesn't seem to be changing for the better.. but I guess that's the kind of issue a NPC like me would predictably have.
I'm sorry you also feel that way. It's awful to feel like you have little to no influence on how your life turns out and all you can do is go through the motions hoping it gets better.

 

[Live Free or Die]

From the moment you're born there is another person telling you what to do and what to think. We are brought up and conditioned to be a functional cog in the gears of the government and societal machine. Very few choices are our own, even when we believe them to be. If you even dare to stray from the normal and expecteded of you - you are looked at as lesser and certainly not intelligent if you go against the grain.

The best thing I ever learned was to stop caring what other people think and just be me.

I have a bed in my living room, everyone says it's weird. I live alone. I like spending most of my time there. I like my bed being next to the sliding glass door for fresh air in the summer and being able to look out and see the stars at night.

Everyone judges me for not being ambitious. Not wanting to go to college, not wanting a career for myself. I have a great job that I love. I make more money than I spend. I have my own place, my own car, insurance and spending money. I am quite content. My job is easy and my bosses let me be, which I love. I spend as little time at work as possible and try to have the rest for me. Yet, I'm still looked down on because I'm not trying harder.

The only place you are ever truly free is when you're alone. When your actions and mind are your own. When there are no outsiders trying to influence who you're "supposed" to be. When you are all alone there is no right or wrong. There are just actions. When you are alone your choices are yours and yours alone. Your purpose becomes self preservation and survival. It takes away the societal aspects of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Only then do we live how we were born to live. How we had evolved to lived. Our absolute despair comes from living in this Metaverse of lies in front of us, in which only a small fraction of things we see day to day are actually the truth. Soon enough we'll all be living in the pods like in the Matrix.




All of this is why I'm considering moving to Wyoming next year. It's the least populated state. A live and let live state. To try and find a more primal connection to life and this earth. To be alone and let my basic human instincts drive my existence. A small amount of land, a small cabin, a big garden, a few dogs and nothing but nature around me.