I am just a miserable person. I feel disgusted by myself

[noname223]

I just despise myself. I vented about it in my self-help group. I had the naive hope opening up about it could give me a relief. It just made everything worse.

Years ago I met this STEM professor in a clinic. Solely the fact he lives in my fucking brain just because he is the smartest person I ever talked to is pathetic. He did not consider me smart. It is disgusting how I am obsessed with intelligence.

I was extremely desperate to that time. I wanted a conversation with someone smart enough to show me a new path. First of all I annoyed the shit out of him. He was humble to his core despite the fact he is rich and probably way more than Ivy league educated. Me instead I am a wanna be smartass and obsessed by intelligence despite the fact I don't know shit.

I wanted to get a deeper understanding of myself by talking to him. In the end it only fueled my self-hatred so much. He could not say any positive thing about me when we said goodbye to each other. "We complement each other in a good way." He clearly struggled to say anything positive.

The irony is I could impress him with being deep and my introspection at one group discussion. I was very explicit about my suicidality and despair. He was impressed by my self-analysis. At the same time he clearly struggled to meet someone who is destined to commit suicide. (Which I still am). He told me the following day he slept horrible and was very worried about my well-being. He hoped I was just not aware of inter-subjectivity and my hopelessness would stem from my depression. In fact two therapists gave me up prior to the clinic stay. His take was just listen to your therapist and don't be presumptous of wanting to know it better yourself. However, they gave me up which I could not tell him. I am forced to know it better if I don't want to give up which they recommended to me. It felt cynical all of this.

I stayed silent about being given up in front of him. I also stayed silent about being aware of inter-subjectivity and the exact reasons for my desperation because I did not want to worry him. And in exchange he just considered me a delusional idiot who thinks he was smarter than his therapists. Gladly he forgot all of that. I met him 1,5 years after the clinic stay. He felt awesome in contrast to me.

So I admired this man. And he just hated me. I wanted to get a better understanding of myself but I define myself way too much over his judgement since because he was one of the coolest people I ever met. I could have impressed him but decided to keep quiet and got nothing in exchange. His words hurt me like hell. It was like a punch in my gut. All I learned from him is that I am annoying, presumptuous, that my therapists probably know more than me, (they think I gonna ctb and that I am a hopeless case) and that I am not smart at all. All of this is so so fucking horrible for my self-worth and self-hatred. It happened 4 years ago and I simply cannot get over it. I wanted to see something I was not aware about. And all of that is extremely negative. Solely the obsession about intelligence if you are not smart. That's so pathetic. I will end it here. My mom will come to the clinic tomorrow to have a talk with my therapist. It will piss me off so hard.

 

[noname223]

Bump

 

[yeaimhere13]

you're placing the entirety of your self-worth onto one person and one experience alone. you could easily go out and meet 200 people within the same day and most would consider you a smart, introspective person by just how self-aware and articulate you are.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do relate to you to an extent. I've had people in my life that I hero worshipped and so hoped they would see good in me and it wasn't reciprocated. And yes, it really hurts. It makes you feel humiliated and kind of embarassed for getting so obsessive about them in the first place.

One of mine was a tutor actually who was/ is incredibly talented. I admired them so much and wanted to make a good impression but I just think they thought I was weird! They really saw the potential in a friend of mine which was/ is warranted because they are supremely talented and just as importantly, work well as part of a team. I don't tend to so much. It's kind of unfortunate that my friend still talks about them, even keeps in touch with them which tends to trigger me feeling that inadequate sting again but, there we go.

I've gotten better at accepting that we can't all be liked by everyone. Sometimes, sadly, the people we admire most and want to like us back the most, don't.

Plus honestly- you can't read that guy's mind anymore than I could read this tutor's mind. Maybe we did pick up on certain cues that they didn't like us all that much. Maybe we were right. But hate? Nah- I doubt it. Hate is a very strong emotion. They may well be largely indifferent to us- which can also hurt because we want to be important to them.

But, I think part of it may be that they can pick up that we are kind of desperate for their attention and approval, which can be a bit much. Even a bit creepy in a way. There used to be a small museum I loved to visit in London. I was kind of obsessed with it for a while. But one day, I went to a lecture and met the people that ran it and I must have come across kind of creepy because I was so excited to meet them. It can probably feel a bit odd to be hero worshipped like that. Ultimately, they don't know us. That kind of obsession could turn crazy- stalker, so maybe they consciously or subconsciously are trying to enforce boundaries as well when they act cool. Not trying to say I think you are creepy. I hope I'm not either but I can see how people do get nervous around people who are very intensely admiring.

Plus, stop beating yourself up for being attracted to intelligence. Why wouldn't you be? It's an admirable thing to have. I admire people who are creatively talented. Yes, it's horrible when we use it as a measuring stick to punish ourselves but, I suppose we also use it as a goal marker- I want to try to be as good as them as I can get. Nothing wrong with that. Besides, it's simply attraction/ admiration. Same as some people find physical looks magnetic. We can't exactly help what we're attracted to.

 

[noname223]

The talk with my mom was horrendous. I told her that nothing good will come with that. I even said that to the therapist. My expectations were low. But hell. It was a disaster. A catastrophe. Me and my mom we wanted to leave the past behind. She abused the shit out of me as a child. But now she has become a better mom. I also said that to her in the conversation.

The first minutes were fine. But then he wanted to talk about my childhood. And well my mom beated the shit out of me since I was 5. I cried so much every single day. So we began from the start. My mom cried while I elaborated on some details. I think deep inside she knows I am right. She is lying on the outside. My grandmother lies with her all together. It is interesting years ago my grandmother admitted she beated me. I talked with her some months ago and she denied all of it. I am not sure why. I am not sure whether she genuinely believes that. I think she is good in surviving and good at telling lies to herself. She seemed to be pretty convinced about it. I even know small details about her abusing me. In May 2016 I was very suicidal and opened up towards my mom and she gave me a slap in the face because of it. I told this to some therapists and people were disgusted by it. Rightfully so.

Something that made my blood boil. My mom said I attacked my grandmonther while being psychotic. That's a complete and utter lie. Really. I never ever did something like that. Instead my sister gave me a slap in the face while being psychotic. I got pretty angry at my mom because she said that. I told her they think I am a danger to society if she pretends shit like that. The therapist turned against me and wanted to have a conversation with my mom alone. Because I might intimidate her. Holy shit that made my blood boil. In Germany we call that "Täter Opfer Umkehr" (translation: the roles of perpetrator and victim get exchanged or traded). I tried to keep my cool after this. I insisted that it never happened. The therapist is an asshole. Maybe he writes in his report that I might be aggressive. What the fuck. I plan to kill myself in October anyway maybe that's another reason to go through with it.

The cynical joke is: In the end he told us we will feel better and interact better after such exchanges. Which was a blatant and obvious lie. My mom cried after this discussion and my blood was boiling. In an ironic way I applauded him. Lmao. I think he was aware that he caused that mess. He is extremely unempathetic. Such an asshole. Fuck my life!