Help I am in so much pain that can’t stop

[lunargreenx]

I cannot keep on doing this.

I try so hard, I really wanted to live. I just cannot keep on like this. I've had enough. I am depressed and fighting for my life for 11 years out of my 21 year old life. This is like cancer of the mind.

Everytime I do something right, it always goes to shit anyway. Like now. I managed to get into a really good university. It should have been a huge achievment. But I am hating it. Everything. I've never been more lonely. Everytime it gets worse and worse after I try do something right.

I am like the dog that gets run over by car and the dog keeps on howling in pain minute after minute, while all other cars pass by. Except it's 11 years for me.

 

[Death is beautiful]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. I wish you to find the peace that you seek

 

[Sakura94]

Congrats on getting into a good uni. It's tough but I think I felt the same because I put so much work in and it didn't feel all that good at the time.
This is true for any goal really you're always going to go back to feeling like it once the task is completed. I guess the question is have you made friends at uni? If not you sort of have to have a completely different mindset and approach to it.
I hated uni. But I sort of developed the whole "imagine sisyphus happy" complex out of it which kept me alive and keeping going for years after.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand it is hard to carry on when you cannot take it anymore. I get that it can be a hopeless feeling when everything keeps on going wrong. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I wish you the best.

 

[Smart No More]

Words don't really/rarely help but I'll offer some anyway......whilst you are lonely you are not alone. A lot of us are suffering at the same time. Sometimes it's helpful to be made aware of this if only for a brief moment of acknowledgement. I hope you fall into a better position in life/happiness. If you can find somebody to talk to that can help too if you're dealing mental health rather than physical health issues. I'm aware that often mental health workers are often useless and can make things worse with their canned answers and forced sympathy but there are good people out there. Sometimes they're just a few bad interactions away so as hard as it is, maybe I can suggest to keep trying to find that right person/people to empathise and help steer you right. Your university may have facility more suited to this than your general practitioner as I have found GP's to be pretty hit and miss whereas university staff have a more focused (less general) approach and tend to house a more genuine type of person. In my experience. It may be because doctors/GP's deal with a wide variety of things and are surrounded by health issues day in day out and are therefore kind of numbed to it all. Not to mention the conflict of interest that comes with pharmaceutical companies and doctors. The easiest meds to get are phsych meds. A University Councillor on the other hand has a lot of positivity around them and more life and compassion left in them to share around. Ans they're of course not conflicted in their motivations. They are literally there for you. Maybe you already tried this. If not though I think it's worth a try. Try to avoid the meds route until entirely necessary is my personal opinion but don't totally rule it out if you're offered focussed medical help. That is to say, the suck it and see approach is really ill advised and wreckless in my opinion and can potentially do more harm than good. That's a lot to read, I apologise. I just genuinely feel bad for you as I am in my own personal hell at the moment and took a small amount of solace in knowing I'm not alone after reading your post. I wish you the best!

 

[ClownMe]

It's a horrible feeling being forced to carry on when you're in so much mental anguish, im sorry you're going through this.

 

[lunargreenx]

Congrats on getting into a good uni. It's tough but I think I felt the same because I put so much work in and it didn't feel all that good at the time…

I haven't made friends. All my friendship were temporary back home anyway. I am really hard to like… I am shy, I like english literature. And that's about it. I am like a blank paper without personality.

Words don't really/rarely help but I'll offer some anyway......whilst you are lonely you are not alone. A lot of us are suffering at the same time. Sometimes it's helpful to be made aware of this if only for a brief moment of acknowledgeme…

Thanks. I am not able to go to the uni counselor and don't have the money for the real deal. Although my problems can't be solved by going to therapy - I've been in therapy for many years when I was teenager. I have had eveything you could possibly think of happen to me. Bad childhood, bad family relationships, struggling in all schools. The only place where I exceled was work - that's literally the only place where I felt life was worth at least to try it (great colleagues).

 

[Sakura94]

I haven't made friends. All my friendship were temporary back home anyway. I am really hard to like… I am shy, I like english literature. And that's about it. I am like a blank paper without personality.

I see. I'm much the same way. I guess if it helps Uni is the one time you can reinvent yourself so a blank personality might be useful to develop from. I can't give good advice on that though.