I am in so much pain but I am too afraid to kill myself.

[Sweet Release]

I know this is pathetic but this is just how it is.

My SN is all ready and all I have to do is mix with water.
I just want the pain to stop.
The pain I go through every single day could just be over and I will finally be at peace.

I could do it tonight and it will all be over but Dear Lord I am terrified.
I don't know what I did wrong during my life but I must have made some terrible mistakes to be where I am now.
I don't want to carry on living and so right now I am trying to find the courage to go through with it.

I am so afraid I don't think I can go through with this alone.

 

[rt1989526]

I understand. I will be in this exact scenario in a couple months. I dont know what to do, but I cant live like this. The misery has to end.

Know you are supported here no matter what you decide

 

[Sweet Release]

I understand. I will be in this exact scenario in a couple months. I dont know what to do, but I cant live like this. The misery has to end.

Know you are supported here no matter what you decide

Thank you for commenting.
I can't stand feeling so alone.

 

[softfuzzyman]

I'm in the same situation. I have my SN but i'm just so scared to do it which sucks because I desperately want to finally be free from this world and suffering

 

[BPD Barbie]

It's not pathetic at all. What you're trying to do is a huge and scary thing and the way you feel is only natural. If you don't feel ready, please don't push yourself into doing something. Take another day, relax, it doesn't have to be today lovely.

 

[Sweet Release]

I'm in the same situation. I have my SN but i'm just so scared to do it which sucks because I desperately want to finally be free from this world and suffering

I am constantly in this state of not knowing what to do.
I guess we are both in a bad way huh?

 

[softfuzzyman]

I am constantly in this state of not knowing what to do.
I guess we are both in a bad way huh?

Yes... it feels almost paralyzing. I tell myself ok if i cant birng myself to CTB like I want then i should get up and try to make my life better... that doesnt happen either... just stuck here in the middle. Wanting to die but not being able to.

 

[Checkmate3]

It's as if I wrote this post myself.
I have everything ready, but my SI is using every single trick up its sleeve right now and winning. Fear, false hopes, long forgotten good memories, and more FEAR. I feel tired, lonely and very miserable.

 

[Sweet Release]

It's not pathetic at all. What you're trying to do is a huge and scary thing and the way you feel is only natural. If you don't feel ready, please don't push yourself into doing something. Take another day, relax, it doesn't have to be today lovely.

Thank you! Thank you so much!
Maybe I could just last one more day.

Yes... it feels almost paralyzing. I tell myself ok if i cant birng myself to CTB like I want then i should get up and try to make my life better... that doesnt happen either... just stuck here in the middle. Wanting to die but not being able to.

Ditto

It's as if I wrote this thread myself.
I have everything ready, but my SI is using every single trick up its sleeve right now and winning. Fear, false hopes, long forgotten good memories, and more FEAR. I feel tired, lonely and very miserable.

and its like I could have written that comment myself.
Fear, false hopes, long forgotten good memories and more FEAR is exactly whats going through my head right now.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

it's not pathetic. of course you'd be hesitant, seeing as ctb is such a big decision. you don't have to ctb just because you have the materials to ctb. it's alright to stop and sort out your thoughts + feelings. there's no judgement here.

wishing you peace in whatever you decide.

 

[Sweet Release]

it's not pathetic. of course you'd be hesitant, seeing as ctb is such a big decision. you don't have to ctb just because you have the materials to ctb. it's alright to stop and sort out your thoughts + feelings. there's no judgement here.

wishing you peace in whatever you decide.

Thank you.
You know, it seems strange but after all these years and having finally gotten to this stage it turns out that this is where I have been the most accepted and understood more than anyplace else.

 

[malcontent]

I'm sorry to hear that. :( for what it's worth over the years on other suicide forums I've seen a lot of people talk about the terror of ctb-ing. I can definitely relate too, for some reason even assembling the materials is too scary... I hope things get better for you one way or another.

 

[muffin222]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain:( If you're afraid and hesitating, I think it's a sign that you're not ready and not totally sure, so please don't feel pressured to do anything drastic. There's no rush

 

[Emily123]

see you soon in the other side

 

[angie]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain:( If you're afraid and hesitating, I think it's a sign that you're not ready and not totally sure, so please don't feel pressured to do anything drastic. There's no rush

I dont think its that there not ready ! i think its plain and simple they cant do it .
I would give anything to ctb i have the correct stuff etc i get so far and then cant drink the stuff ,become anxious and panic kicks in .scared it tastes so bad i cant take it all . Believe me i am definately ready my life is unbearable struggling to breath 24/7. sit in a chair all day because moving makes it even worse its torture believe me .
So i dont think its a case of its not peoples time i think its a case of cant get past scared if it fails .
as i said if it was a case of popping a pil id have taken it as soon as i got it ,

 

[muffin222]

I dont think its that there not ready ! i think its plain and simple they cant do it .
I would give anything to ctb i have the correct stuff etc i get so far and then cant drink the stuff ,become anxious and panic kicks in .scared it tastes so bad i cant take it all . Believe me i am definately ready my life is unbearable struggling to breath 24/7. sit in a chair all day because moving makes it even worse its torture believe me .
So i dont think its a case of its not peoples time i think its a case of cant get past scared if it fails .
as i said if it was a case of popping a pil id have taken it as soon as i got it ,

Maybe, but in my opinion, when people are truly ready, they just go and do it. They don't take time to question it endlessly. Anybody can do it if they want to and they have the means to do it. For the ones who go through with it, the pain of living outweighs the possible fear and anxiety surrounding the act of suicide, and that pain drives them to act in order to end the suffering.

I think that when a person is truly ready- as ready as you can be to do something as drastic as end your own life- the panic doesn't matter, the fear doesn't matter, the anxiety doesn't matter anymore. The person just wants out and they do whatever they can do to get out. The fear and anxiety are seen as mere obstacles, the price they have to pay to end the suffering for good. I think that's why some people use violent or painful methods to die, like detergents or jumping or standing in front of a train. They're completely sure they want to die even if it may hurt or there's a chance of failure.

I think that if people aren't in that frame of mind about their ctb, then they're not ready. It's a forever decision. Not wanting to suffer in your final minutes is understandable, and some fear and panic is normal, but if the fear is so strong it immobilizes you from taking action, then you're not ready, in my view. And, that's okay. That's ordinary.

 

[angie]

Maybe, but in my opinion, when people are truly ready, they just go and do it. They don't take time to question it endlessly. Anybody can do it if they want to and they have the means to do it. For the ones who go through with it, the pain of living outweighs the possible fear and anxiety surrounding the act of suicide, and that pain drives them to act in order to end the suffering.

I think that when a person is truly ready- as ready as you can be to do something as drastic as end your own life- the panic doesn't matter, the fear doesn't matter, the anxiety doesn't matter anymore. The person just wants out and they do whatever they can do to get out. The fear and anxiety are seen as mere obstacles, the price they have to pay to end the suffering for good. I think that's why some people use violent or painful methods to die, like detergents or jumping or standing in front of a train. They're completely sure they want to die even if it may hurt or there's a chance of failure.

I think that if people aren't in that frame of mind about their ctb, then they're not ready. It's a forever decision. Not wanting to suffer in your final minutes is understandable, and some fear and panic is normal, but if the fear is so strong it immobilizes you from taking action, then you're not ready, in my view. And, that's okay. That's ordinary.

 

[alexit]

It's not pathetic. What's led to this?

 

[greekyfish10]

i'm feeling the same way. i don't think it's pathetic at all i think it's a natural reaction. i've wanted to ctb for so long but have never truly summoned up the courage. i've "attempted" a couple times but they were never really that serious like i didn't know what i was doing and it was typically impulsive. but listen i understand the feelings of fear and uncertainty and that's normal and okay. just take your time. you don't have to ctb soon or at all if you feel too afraid. you have your sn, so maybe just give yourself some time to think about it. and whatever you choose, i fully support you. best of luck.

 

[angie]

I understand. I will be in this exact scenario in a couple months. I dont know what to do, but I cant live like this. The misery has to end.

Know you are supported here no matter what you decide