I am in a predicament (I need to solve it quickly)

[noname223]

So I text with this woman from a dating app frequently since two weeks. She is careful not to be surrounded with someone full of negativity. Maybe this would be a good time point to realize she is not searching for me. She wants that it starts slow between us. She does not want someone who is not able to handle his own life. Maybe another good time point to realize...she is not searching for me.

The chemistry besides of that is good. More or less. We vibe but we have some different approaches to human suffering and self-pitying how she called it.

I improved the last year. I did not attend college courses. Since then my suicidality got less and less. My psychosomatic issues went away.

Well college re-starts next week. It is probably the same week as our first date (if it comes to that). If my paranoia ruins it will make me very suicidal.

I was in my self-help group today and solely this made me pretty paranoid. I almost texted her something paranoid afterwards. But I did not. I asked a friend whether sounds paranod and he said extremely.

I confessed to my parents that I don't want to attend college again because it was a living hell and ruins every chance to find a significant other.
I am so scared to become paranoid in front of the woman I text with. Maybe it will happen at some day anyway. But later would be better. WIth the last woman it happened after approximately two weeks. But she did not care (she had borderline with psychotic symptoms though).

She told me it is sort of a red flag that I overshared with her. I told her I experienced domestic violence as child and she called it oversharing. She told me stories of people who self-pity themselves too much. And that one should not burden strangers with these things.

I think she likes me though. She gives me many compliment especially for our conversation and for how friendly I am.

But college starts next week. If I attend the courses I will be paranoid as fuck. Really. I had 5 semesters and I interpreted in small interactions that women were in love with me. You can read my posts from 2022 to early 2024. It was a living nightmare, it happened almost every single day and I crashed all the time. Some might remember it.

I am pretty desperate about this predicament. I was sort of overwhelmed this evening. And it gave me the courage to discuss it with my parents. They are more or less understanding. I don't have to attend courses. Maybe I will do it in the first week. But very carefully.

But maybe even if I don't attend any courses the woman of the dating app will lose interest in me and call it a red flag. Who knows. The thing I know is. I will never find a significant other if I attend college courses which make me paranoid as fuck.

 

[derpyderpins]

Hey buddy. Breathe. I know that's crappy advice, but do that first.

So the main predicament is whether to attend classes or not, right? The girl issue is secondary for now.

Education is wonderful, but my thought as someone with fancy degrees on the wall is that they're overrated paper. You can learn subjects and skills without putting yourself in the stress of classes for most things, unless you want to be a doctor or lawyer or other something where a licensing board requires you get the paper. The internet is evil in ways but wonderful for learning.

The question of whether to attend classes then, to me, comes down to what you are working towards. And it doesn't have to be something very specific, imo. Are you building skills to broaden yourself as a person, solely seeking a career and income, etc., and it will probably be a balance of things. I have faith in your ability to move towards something good because while you have symptoms like paranoia, the way your brain works also seems to make you devote yourself to things. You care. [For old guys like me I think about Rodney Dangerfield in "Back to School", paraphrase "I like that guy... he really seems to care . . . about what? I have no idea."] Seriously that can be an asset in a world of apathy.

That's not really advice on which way to go, but more a reading on the situation that the actual decision is not nearly as worth stressing over as I'm sure it rightfully seems while you are facing it directly.

I have thoughts on the girl, too, but wanted to type this first.

She is careful not to be surrounded with someone full of negativity.

She does not want someone who is not able to handle his own life. Maybe another good time point to realize...she is not searching for me.

We vibe but we have some different approaches to human suffering and self-pitying how she called it.

I improved the last year. I did not attend college courses. Since then my suicidality got less and less. My psychosomatic issues went away.

She told me it is sort of a red flag that I overshared with her.

I told her I experienced domestic violence as child and she called it oversharing.

She told me stories of people who self-pity themselves too much. And that one should not burden strangers with these things.

On the girl. First, happy to hear that your psychosomatic issues have gone away/improved.

You have to think about what she she's telling you. She doesn't want you to be (1) full of negativity, (2) someone who "is not able to handle his own life," (3) don't be "self-pitying," (4) don't "overshare".

I'm going to put aside "overshar[ing]." That's context-dependent. Obviously I share everything with my wife, because - ya know - she's my wife. But I didn't share everything when we only knew each other for a few weeks.

But, for the other three. Regardless of how you are, now, do you intend to be - in the future - someone full of negativity, who can't handle his own life, and is overly self-pitying? If you intend to remain that way, then yeah don't pursue anything with her. Assuming you'd like to have less negativity, more self-reliance, and less self-pitying, I'd just tell her - when those things come up - "you know what, you're right, and I want to get better at that."

A great woman can help you move mountains.

She can meet you in the middle, some, as well, on the "different approaches to human suffering." Maybe she could benefit from understanding the 'why' more.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Personally, I think it's important to be able to be yourself around people. Especially people you want as friends and a possible partner. I don't personally see the value in a relationship if you are having to pretend to be someone else the whole time or, having to filter everything you say. That's obviously not saying we should say out loud everything we are thinking if it's hurtful in some way but surely- we ought to be able to express the majority.

I guess the exception would be if you wanted to create consistent change in your life towards a more positive and self regulated person. In which case, you could utilize this opportunity I guess.

I suppose I'm old school though. I value honesty and integrity. I'd likely feel like I wanted to let someone know what they were getting themselves in to with me- if the relationship was serious. Even if that meant losing them. And, I'd hope for the same from them. So, I suppose I'd be warning them that: I can be like this or that but, I don't want to be, so I'll try not to be around them.

Plus, I think it's important to consider what you want. I'm not sure how sustainable a relationship can be if you are solely trying to please what she wants. It's like forcing ourself into an odd shaped mould. Is it important to you to have someone who will tolerate 'over sharing' or, the occasional amount of negativity? Or, can you do without that or, maybe seek it from other people/ friends?