I have a similar issue. A friend just died who everyone I know from 20 years back was close to including some family. Even if they were not even close to the person personally and just through someone else or still in contact with the person, I feel it is "selfish" to detract attention from the person who just died that people want to remember and grieve and talk about. I am sickly enough so I could maybe die "naturally" if I forced the issue by total lack of self care in a shortish timeframe (months??) (Maybe--and it would take a lot of effort on my part to die "naturally" as it would appear to others and would not be pleasant, as I have discovered by trying to make things end that way anyway.) But then that would be totally acceptable to me because it was "natural" for all intents and purposes despite how much I did to neglect myself and torture myself to make it happen. But a forced suicide with an obvious method like hanging or pills or gun or whatever seems like it would make me look terrible, too, compared to the person's natural death they endured till the bitter end, even to people who don't know me but will find out about my death from other people who knew them.
I still say if I can't make it, I can't. But I can say that I have tempered the plans a bit since the recent death. I think for me when things calm down about the other death, however long that takes depending on when people move on from it to other things, then it would be okay if I wanted to. But if I could not endure for physical reasons, I would go ahead regardless since I am the one suffering, not the living people who would be talking about us when I am dead. (Edited here again to add that) I have dealt with so much physical pain and torture from my condition for the last 3 years, things I am surprised I didn't already die from, if I am being honest to myself, I'd probably just be waiting to die naturally anyway for a long time, since that is what I'd really want regardless, because I don't really WANT to die but physically feel I might anyway and hate to suffer so much longer if I don't have to. I am not a terminal patient with a guaranteed death sentence, but complications sort of are making it so recently if they do not improve soon. So then I would if I was likely to die but under such gruesome circumstances it would be too cruel. I put my dog down when she had many seizures a day, was terminal from her years of bladder cancer, and could no longer eat or even take water from an eyedropper. The vets told me that was the only "kind" thing to do, and I agreed. It happened within a few days that her quality of life just ended, and I knew she was really dying FOR REAL NOW regardless. I just wanted her to die without further suffering of starvation and dehydration. I lost 20 lbs in a month because I could not eat or drink and was 15 lbs away from starvation to death for my weight this last month. If the pain of hunger and thirst got any worse and bad things like mouth ulcers developed and I could no longer drink and eat this month, then yes. I would end it if I could if it got THAT bad and I really WAS DYING NOW but too gruesomely for too long. But maybe that wouldn't be so bad and I'd die in the process waiting for the point I "really couldn't take it anymore." That's how I am here 3 years later. It's really messed up when it's physical and you hope to get better, not die or be sick and crippled.
Edit 1: to add that I am under 40 years old and so is the recently deceased, and so the deaths will be discussed more and for longer and especially suicide, since another person I knew who killed themselves many years ago is still mentioned in that respect on the topic of deaths. A person I knew who was murdered 12 years ago is still mentioned as well. I think as people get older, the less time must elapse before people "forget" enough to take on a new death. I think under 50 or 60 will take longer, even years. And the less people you know, the longer as well.
