plast1c_sk1n
no longer human
- Jul 4, 2024
- 48
Tomorrow marks 2 years sh clean
During these 2 years the urge has never gone away & I realized I've only replaced one bad coping method for other bad coping methods. The average person would obviously say sh is worse than ordering takeout to make you feel better when you're sad but honestly for me specifically, I truly think it's the other way around. I have people I can't disappoint, I won't ever sh to a degree that causes permanent or severe damage. However, constantly ordering food is horrible for my bank account, as a student who relies on my parents money, I feel this is even worse for them than the sh. As long as I hide it, sh is a way better coping method for me. I haven't gotten better, I've just replaced cutting with other things. I've caught myself thinking "I want to cut but I shouldn't but I still need something to make me feel better so i guess I'll order food" & other times instead of food its alcohol or cigarettes or doomscrolling or whatever & all of that to me is more harmful to my life than sh.
I have to make it to 2 years because stupid drunk me has recently told a few people that I'm almost 2 years clean so it'll be stupid if I don't even end up making it there. So I'll get to 2 years, and then I'll buy a knife and cut the day after
2 years clean has only confirmed that stopping sh is only beneficial to the people around me who who feel uncomfortable seeing the cuts. So I'll just be more careful about hiding it this time & it'll be alright. I've been getting kinda excited just thinking about how I'll get to relapse :)
(Also, I'm going to a concert today, I bought the tickets telling myself "it's like a reward for being 2 years clean" since the concert date just happened to be the day right before 2 years! Funny how I'm now going to get my reward for something that'll immediately go down the drain right after lol)
During these 2 years the urge has never gone away & I realized I've only replaced one bad coping method for other bad coping methods. The average person would obviously say sh is worse than ordering takeout to make you feel better when you're sad but honestly for me specifically, I truly think it's the other way around. I have people I can't disappoint, I won't ever sh to a degree that causes permanent or severe damage. However, constantly ordering food is horrible for my bank account, as a student who relies on my parents money, I feel this is even worse for them than the sh. As long as I hide it, sh is a way better coping method for me. I haven't gotten better, I've just replaced cutting with other things. I've caught myself thinking "I want to cut but I shouldn't but I still need something to make me feel better so i guess I'll order food" & other times instead of food its alcohol or cigarettes or doomscrolling or whatever & all of that to me is more harmful to my life than sh.
I have to make it to 2 years because stupid drunk me has recently told a few people that I'm almost 2 years clean so it'll be stupid if I don't even end up making it there. So I'll get to 2 years, and then I'll buy a knife and cut the day after
2 years clean has only confirmed that stopping sh is only beneficial to the people around me who who feel uncomfortable seeing the cuts. So I'll just be more careful about hiding it this time & it'll be alright. I've been getting kinda excited just thinking about how I'll get to relapse :)
(Also, I'm going to a concert today, I bought the tickets telling myself "it's like a reward for being 2 years clean" since the concert date just happened to be the day right before 2 years! Funny how I'm now going to get my reward for something that'll immediately go down the drain right after lol)
