i am genuinely grateful for life but I still want to CTB

[saturn1402]

I have been suicidal since my very very bad breakup. Not only for the breakup itself but for the guilt, shame and the realisation I am just so unfit for the world.

I went through many stages of wanting to end it all. While for many months I was desperate, now I feel in such peace. I know the time will come and I found a rather painless way to CTB.

Until I make the big decision (I think it will happens in 3 months) I am trying to give the world my best.
1. I try to have as much as good and positive impact with any stranger. I try to make anyone I meet feel valued, seen and heard.
2 I want to give my dog the most loving life as I possible can. I want her to be the happiest dog on the world until I leave
3. I want to travel (Thailand and Bali most probably ), meet new people, have more memories to cherish.

The strange thing is that I genuinely loved life, although it has been a hell of a ride. I had the highest and the lowest - never steadiness. I am very grateful for having the chance to experience life, love, laugh, even cry and pain. But I am simply unfit for this world. I am too emotional, too caring, too pure, too much of a burden for everyone around me. and I can't just pretend to be who I am not. I tried for so long…

There is no hate, no resentment. I forgave everyone and I wish everyone nothing but the best. I am even glad many people hurt me because they had maybe the chance to learn their lesson through me so they can love and treat other people better in the future.

I know that when I will leave this world I will do it with a smile in my face and so much gratitude in my heart.

 

[SVEN]

I can't imagine any way you could have responded better to these circumstances, Saturn. Best wishes as you fight on and I hope you achieve your best goal, whatever that may finally be.

 

[Trav1989]

I have been suicidal since my very very bad breakup. Not only for the breakup itself but for the guilt, shame and the realisation I am just so unfit for the world.

I went through many stages of wanting to end it all. While for many months I was desperate, now I feel in such peace. I know the time will come and I found a rather painless way to CTB.

Until I make the big decision (I think it will happens in 3 months) I am trying to give the world my best.
1. I try to have as much as good and positive impact with any stranger. I try to make anyone I meet feel valued, seen and heard.
2 I want to give my dog the most loving life as I possible can. I want her to be the happiest dog on the world until I leave
3. I want to travel (Thailand and Bali most probably ), meet new people, have more memories to cherish.

The strange thing is that I genuinely loved life, although it has been a hell of a ride. I had the highest and the lowest - never steadiness. I am very grateful for having the chance to experience life, love, laugh, even cry and pain. But I am simply unfit for this world. I am too emotional, too caring, too pure, too much of a burden for everyone around me. and I can't just pretend to be who I am not. I tried for so long…

There is no hate, no resentment. I forgave everyone and I wish everyone nothing but the best. I am even glad many people hurt me because they had maybe the chance to learn their lesson through me so they can love and treat other people better in the future.

I know that when I will leave this world I will do it with a smile in my face and so much gratitude in my heart.

I completely understand what your going through, I went through a divorce that happened out of nowhere and I had little to no say in any part of it because my wife had made her mind up prior. She burnt every bridge imaginable and I would build her new ones only for her to burn those down as well. I begged her on my hands and knees to stay even though she put me through a living hell with her on the spot decision making and the debt that accrued because of it. She had borderline personality disorder so she would purposefully destroy every relationship she possibly could and despite that I was there for her.

Then one day she left me for multiple other guys and got into hard drugs and I never saw her again.

It was extremely traumatizing and I would have CTB immediately if I had the tools needed at the time. I now have the necessary tools to CTB but I figured that since I now have everything required at my disposal I'd give life a final shot. The problem (as it pertains to me) is that I no longer have the energy or willpower to really put much of an effort in, my body has mostly deteriorated due to not eating regularly over the past few months, I've been sickly, I sleep for ungodly amounts of time, and am just a shell of who I once was.

I have tried putting myself out there though, have been talking to two women who have been supportive but at this point I just don't think I have it in me to restart from scratch again. I have a date planned in two weeks and I figure I'll give it a solid shot but if it doesn't pan out I've decided to CTB.

I just can't go on with the constant nightmares and bouts of depression knowing what I had before and the lack of such I possess now. I gave everything before and it didn't work despite being married to my wife for almost 7 years only to see her crumble before my eyes and now the same is happening to me.

I know that I could just mix two glasses of SN and within half an hour be unconscious and expire within two hours after that and that level of peace is honestly hard to not desire. There have been nights where I'm out smoking a cigarette on my back porch and I'll be holding the vacuum-sealed package and talking myself out of using it is getting more and more difficult.

Good on you for your high hopes and desire to have one last adventure, I took a few adventures but they were nowhere near what you propose by comparison. This life is quite the ordeal and losing the one person you confided in... there is nothing else that comes close to as devastating. Sadly, not everyone is capable of true love and when you realize how cruel and unforgiving this existence is it's like having a railroad spike driven into your chest.

 

[FuneralCry]

I imagine it must be a relief to feel more at peace but anyway I wish you the best.