i am fucking fucked up and traumatized

[freedomfreezerstar]

i don't know what i did but i feel so fucked up in the head i block out all of my thoughts like automatically now, my memory is so bad from always trying to forget with drugs and everything else, i can't function socially anymore, i hate myself so much or can't forgive myself, i don't wanna go out into public ever, i don't want to be a person, i can never get out of this endless cycle, i can never forgive myself.

i had this ocd that made me look at people's private parts and it ruined my life when i was in middle school. i never looked at anyone's parts with sexual intent but i still felt extremely guilty, and i felt like everyday i was hammering visual death into my brain it felt so painful i hated being around people i wanted to slam my head against walls then it went away so fast and i could never remember my feelings. then it just came back and gone again and then back and it feels like hell. i know i did not sexually assault this person but what if i harassed them in a way ???? i only voluntarily looked at someone's butt once and it was just because i did not know why people were treating me weird, i did not know my ocd existed, it just all came at once for me and it ruined me. i was just looking at it because i didn't know why everyone kept looking at me weird because i thought my eyes were looking normally now i hate it all i can't do it . it is such an awful disorder and it feels guilty and awkward and it doesn't even feel right sometimes. like i know i did not look at them sexually but i still feel guilty because that probably contributed to their distrust of people too and made their life worse and now i feel awful. i was always raised as feminist but also i don't even identify as a boy so it feels worse because it is like you are a creep you are a creep you are a creep over and over again and you know it is not true but you keep convincing yourself that you are and you can't accept anything

 

[Deleted member 23885]

Life is full of suffering- I've said it many times but that is the crux of the matter. I wish you all the best on your road to recovery or ctb. You can use the chat function on SS to find someone to speak to one-to-one.

 

[woknows]

I am sorry for your problem. You should accept yourself and move on. I had OCD and judging yourself will not help. Does it magically go away? No.
Do not think you are the only person interested in sexual organs. Sex is one of base instinct and most people who say otherwise lie through their teeth. Truth be told, people not interested in sex are the ones weird and broken.

Do you look at other people or do you stare for uncomfortable long time?

I looked at one coworker, when she was putting her coveralls on (fully clothed mind you). I was waiting for something and was bored. She acted strange afterwards. But who cares. It is her problem if a short stare unnerves her so much.