Story I am forcing myself to recover out of spite

[CyanideSoup]

The past few months have been extremely difficult and all I've wanted to do is give up. But I am determined to prove everyone around me wrong, especially my ex and my dad. They both believe I will never get better, that I am a lost cause and a ticking time bomb. And even though I think those things too, I wont let them be right about me and if I'm anything, I'm stubborn. I have come to terms with the fact that the UK mental health system is a piece of shit and that if I really want to do this I need to be proactive.

I paid for a private ADHD assessment with PsychiatryUK, and it was such a quick and easy process compared to the NHS. The doctor was so lovely and helpful. And unlike every NHS doctor I have seen, she didn't make me feel like a burden when she diagnosed me. Honestly the lack of reluctance almost made think she rushed it, but then I realized it shouldn't take 10 years to receive help. So a week ago I started a stimulant called Elvanse (Vyvanse in America) . I haven't felt any effect so far, but I'm hoping as the dose is upped I will start to feel more focused. But even just having the diagnosis has helped me understand myself and my brain a lot more. Its given me a small bit of hope. The doctor also seems to believe that once my ADHD is under control, it'll be a lot easier for me to manage my BPD which is promising!

I have been referred to a support charity to help with my anxiety and get out of the house more and feel like I'm doing something more than just staring at the same 4 walls all the time. They apparently also help people get back out into the world and can help with getting education and training so I could potentially start working in the future. I never even started my GCSEs and have felt held back by that for years. Knowing that I have the opportunity to go somewhere is such a relief. It has made thinking about what kind of future I would want a possibility again. I know I want to help others with mental health issues and disabilities. Hopefully one day I will.

I am taking steps towards beating my gambling problem and managing my impulsivity with money and have cut that spending in half so far. I'm still around 2 years away from DBT which is frustrating because my BPD is the biggest issue for me and I don't really have any idea how to manage my behaviors. But I bought myself a DBT workbook to work on in the meantime and I hope it will make things a little easier. I had a really bad episode a few days ago. I couldn't stop crying and all I wanted to do was die. Everything felt like it was falling apart again. But instead of giving in, I forced myself to do something productive instead and deep cleaned my kitchen at 4am. I hadn't cleaned my kitchen in months, it was awful and I hated every minute of it. But it stopped me from hurting myself, and it stopped me from proving those people around me right. And when I had finally finished I felt proud of myself for doing something I had put off for so long. I know its unrealistic to expect myself to do that every time (I'm going to run out of rooms to clean at some point) But I think its more about knowing I will have these dips because its part of my BPD, and being able to ride it out. Even just getting through one small dip is a huge step for me.

The biggest challenge for me has been trying to look after myself again. Getting back into a routine of getting up at a normal time, showering and brushing my teeth, getting dressed and trying to break the pattern of disordered eating and suicidal incidents. But I'm getting there. And I'm hoping that if I continue to try and prove everyone wrong, maybe I can prove myself wrong too.

 

[WornOutLife]

Well, no matter the reasons, I'm glad you want to recover!

I'm trying to do it too! Things have improved a lot for me but I will always be suicidal and might ctb impulsively some random day.

Anyway, we gotta try out all the options!

Hugs,

Matt

 

[Celerity]

Good for you - and fuck 'em, especially your dad. What an asshole.

 

[JustAFriendlyGuy]

The past few months have been extremely difficult and all I've wanted to do is give up. But I am determined to prove everyone around me wrong, especially my ex and my dad. They both believe I will never get better, that I am a lost cause and a ticking time bomb. And even though I think those things too, I wont let them be right about me and if I'm anything, I'm stubborn. I have come to terms with the fact that the UK mental health system is a piece of shit and that if I really want to do this I need to be proactive.

I paid for a private ADHD assessment with PsychiatryUK, and it was such a quick and easy process compared to the NHS. The doctor was so lovely and helpful. And unlike every NHS doctor I have seen, she didn't make me feel like a burden when she diagnosed me. Honestly the lack of reluctance almost made think she rushed it, but then I realized it shouldn't take 10 years to receive help. So a week ago I started a stimulant called Elvanse (Vyvanse in America) . I haven't felt any effect so far, but I'm hoping as the dose is upped I will start to feel more focused. But even just having the diagnosis has helped me understand myself and my brain a lot more. Its given me a small bit of hope. The doctor also seems to believe that once my ADHD is under control, it'll be a lot easier for me to manage my BPD which is promising!

I have been referred to a support charity to help with my anxiety and get out of the house more and feel like I'm doing something more than just staring at the same 4 walls all the time. They apparently also help people get back out into the world and can help with getting education and training so I could potentially start working in the future. I never even started my GCSEs and have felt held back by that for years. Knowing that I have the opportunity to go somewhere is such a relief. It has made thinking about what kind of future I would want a possibility again. I know I want to help others with mental health issues and disabilities. Hopefully one day I will.

I am taking steps towards beating my gambling problem and managing my impulsivity with money and have cut that spending in half so far. I'm still around 2 years away from DBT which is frustrating because my BPD is the biggest issue for me and I don't really have any idea how to manage my behaviors. But I bought myself a DBT workbook to work on in the meantime and I hope it will make things a little easier. I had a really bad episode a few days ago. I couldn't stop crying and all I wanted to do was die. Everything felt like it was falling apart again. But instead of giving in, I forced myself to do something productive instead and deep cleaned my kitchen at 4am. I hadn't cleaned my kitchen in months, it was awful and I hated every minute of it. But it stopped me from hurting myself, and it stopped me from proving those people around me right. And when I had finally finished I felt proud of myself for doing something I had put off for so long. I know its unrealistic to expect myself to do that every time (I'm going to run out of rooms to clean at some point) But I think its more about knowing I will have these dips because its part of my BPD, and being able to ride it out. Even just getting through one small dip is a huge step for me.

The biggest challenge for me has been trying to look after myself again. Getting back into a routine of getting up at a normal time, showering and brushing my teeth, getting dressed and trying to break the pattern of disordered eating and suicidal incidents. But I'm getting there. And I'm hoping that if I continue to try and prove everyone wrong, maybe I can prove myself wrong too.

Am a bit late but i hope things have worked out for you so far, definetly keep going! Your words alone inspired me to actually become more active again and to try harder. I want to help others with mental health issues too, so it's great to see someone who shares the same goal. :)
Prove them all wrong, you can do it!