Venting I am faulty at the core

[Abyssal]

Years of NEETdom has left me delusional in thinking that I can make a better life for myself. The pain I suffered at being inferior from a young age through school is only a distant memory, by drowning myself in daydreams and isolation I had convinced myself I was capable of friendship and praise. I was wrong.

I got my first job, minimum wage retail, but it allowed me to return to the world of human contact. My coworkers call me weird, but I can manage it. It's not who I thought I was and it hurts, but at least they are not mean to me. But my bosses are not so kind. I thought I was capable of doing what is expected from me, but I'm consistently called out on my work being inadequate. I'm told I have poor judgement and I hear my coworkers say "Finally someone told her" or they laugh at my inadequacy.

I'm not even good enough for minimum wage. I'm trying my best but my best is subhuman garbage. I can't even be mediocre, I'm just pure dogshit. That person in my head that I daydream of isn't me. I can't even daydream anymore, because I'll never become worthy of being loved like I dream of.

 

[fire12362]

I'm sometimes busting my ass and still get shit from my boss sometimes. Doesn't usually make me upset. It is what it is ig. That's just life.

 

[Abyssal]

I'm sometimes busting my ass and still get shit from my boss sometimes. Doesn't usually make me upset. It is what it is ig. That's just life.

If this is life I don't want to live it.

You can tell me it's normal, but what I see is unavoidable pain that I'm too broken to deal with. I'm not like others in that I can't give a fuck, criticism makes me extremely suicidal.

 

[fire12362]

If this is life I don't want to live it.

Yes, this is life. I don't want anything to do with it either. With whatever choice you decide, I wish you the best of luck. I plan to CTB on Friday.

 

[Abyssal]

Yes, this is life. I don't want anything to do with it either. With whatever choice you decide, I wish you the best of luck. I plan to CTB on Friday.

Haha, god it hurts to know it'll never get better. I'll see you on the other side by May.

 

[fire12362]

Haha, god it hurts to know it'll never get better. I'll see you on the other side by May.

You know, I was talking with my best friend last night and I said the only thing I'm pissed off about having a successful CTB is not being able to celebrate that I'm finally fully free. Like yeah, I do have that feeling of relief now, but it's not 100% relief because SN doesn't have a 100% success rate. I want that feeling of knowing 100% that my life is done. I hope to see you my friend :). While you're alive, I suggest trying to hike up as far as you can to the top of Mount Rainier

 

[Abyssal]

You know, I was talking with my best friend last night and I said the only thing I'm pissed off about having a successful CTB is not being able to celebrate that I'm finally fully free. Like yeah, I do have that feeling of relief now, but it's not 100% relief because SN doesn't have a 100% success rate. I want that feeling of knowing 100% that my life is done. I hope to see you my friend :). While you're alive, I suggest trying to hike up as far as you can to the top of Mount Rainier

I've been lucky enough to do that twice. If drowning weren't so painful I'd swim to the bottom of the ocean ~

 

[MrFreshTheCat]

I feel very identified with you, ill probably drop out of college this year because of how poorly im doing, i cant function as a normal person either, of 100 people on my class im literally the only one who didnt pass some subjects because i couldnt even socialize enough to find a group, i have always been alone but 2023 completely destroyed me, ill probably have a same path as yours and ill end up burned out, i somehow lie to myself thinking that ill eventually find something or something will happen, but im a 100% sure that with time ill just end up ctb, it is just a matter of time, im sorry i cant give you any advice.

 

[fire12362]

I've been lucky enough to do that twice. If drowning weren't so painful I'd swim to the bottom of the ocean ~

if we're talking about guaranteed deaths. Lock a bag of weights or something to yourself and just drown yourself.

 

[Abyssal]

if we're talking about guaranteed deaths. Lock a bag of weights or something to yourself and just drown yourself.

Too painful. I hear drowning is like burning but on the inside. My ideal death will be more peaceful

 

[NightingaleOde]

Not being flippant or glib here. I mean this from the heart: people who regard themselves as essentially flawed can't possibly be. Irredeemable people would never never say that about themselves. It.sounds like your brutal depression talking. Arrogant narcissists and psychopaths are honestly the only people.with no chance at redemption. You might have fucked up a lot.(like.me) but that wouldn't bother you if you were a.complete failure.

 

[Pluto]

I'm going through something similar at work at the moment. The thing is that some people have seductive or manipulative personalities and get away with all sorts of misdemeanors in the workplace. When we are struggling to fit in socially, we miss out on a lot of favouritism and a lot of support, so it's not a level playing field.

I would take a bet that if you had someone in your life to give good advice, support and encouragement, the outcomes would be very different.

 

[Labyrinth]

"I can't even daydream anymore, because I'll never become worthy of being loved like I dream of."
@Abyssal

I resort to illusions to avoid confrontations. In my imagination I experience scenarios and places I've never been to with people I've barely met. The sweet unreality makes me feel provisionally free.
The darkness of my closed eyes is not as black as what I see with them open.

Why do I need to feel loved by someone to achieve self-forgiveness? When I search my spirit I don't find anything good. Mutual complacency is the only tool to love myself.

Although my ideal life is not impossible, it seems almost unattainable. As if I were swimming against the current or running on a treadmill: moving stagnantly.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I feel very identified with you, ill probably drop out of college this year because of how poorly im doing, i cant function as a normal person either, of 100 people on my class im literally the only one who didnt pass some subjects because i couldnt even socialize enough to find a group, i have always been alone but 2023 completely destroyed me, ill probably have a same path as yours and ill end up burned out, i somehow lie to myself thinking that ill eventually find something or something will happen, but im a 100% sure that with time ill just end up ctb, it is just a matter of time, im sorry i cant give you any advice.

I might drop out of college eventually too if it doesn't work out for me.

 

[logi3535]

The two jobs I've held in my life I messed up bad, I was lucky as hell to get those jobs, but I've given up on myself at this point, i couldn't even hold them for longer than two months. I relate with visualizing the person you wanna be, but I'm not stable enough to hold my ideal life. It hurts to be overly critical of yourself, over-analyzing every little action you take, wether its because of other people putting you down or feeling like you're never enough, it doesn't make you stronger, you just start to resent yourself for not being able to do the right thing after so many times
for what its worth, I always feel like you say just the right things in chat whenever you're around, frick the people who say you have poor judgment

 

[FujoshiNeet]

I felt this post hard. Why do so many people have to be so mean? I don't go around throwing that energy at people but I get it constantly.

 

[OcularFear]

If this is life I don't want to live it.

You can tell me it's normal, but what I see is unavoidable pain that I'm too broken to deal with. I'm not like others in that I can't give a fuck, criticism makes me extremely suicidal.

Unfortunately it is life. Life is shit, have you noticed suicide rates climbing? It's because people are begining to wake up to the fact that life is shitty and sucks ass, and it doesn't get better as time goes on, it gets worse. What's the point to living in such a horrible life as ours? Well there is none. The only reason some of us continue to live is because they have flimsy reasons to live, religion is flimsy because it only holds up as long as you believe in it, but belief is flimsy and is easily broken through facts. Love is flimsy because you base your entire life around someone else's existence, but they are just as human as you are and if they die, well then your fucked and you lose all purpose to live. You could be living to make some person proud but after you do that what's left? They will just die and forget anyways. You could be trying to change the world somehow, leave some sort of impact, but no matter what you do, impacts only last so long, and before long no matter how great you were no matter how famous you might have been, you'll be forgotten, your effort mean absolutely nothing. You could live to enjoy life but the enjoyment comes to and end eventually, and what's the point of enjoying life when in the end when you die you won't even remember it because your fucking dead. The act of living is to suffer, and that's all it is, suffering and rectification, you spend your entire life rectifying and fixing problem after problem after problem, but the problems never ever ever end no matter what you do where you are who you are. Why subject yourself to a life where all there is promised is problems suffering and purposelessness, in truth we have no purpose, no real reason to live other than the fact our instincts try to keep us alive. Take time, break it down, the deeper you go the more you realize, the answer always lies in death, and the answer to why we should actually live, is always flimsy and idiotic, everyone dies, nothing stays the same, everyone forgets everyone, no one changes, problems are ever forthcoming, and to exist is to suffer. There is no meaning or purpose.

 

[boddibo]

I feel for you Abyssal, because when I see your posts you seem like a genuinely kind individual, but it's hard to come to return to the world of human contact when you've been out of it for months or even years. People are and will always be mean to people that are even a bit outside the societal norms, unfortunately. You're not at fault for wanting a better life for yourself, for feeling better, for trying — You're not faulty at the core, people are just too mean because it makes them feel better about themselves and it's sad you have to go through it, trying to make a better life for yourself is already hard enough.

 

[UKscotty]

Its sad that society makes it so easy to CTB rather than invest in helping people get well.

I guess society doesn't care about us unless we are pumping money into the system whilst taking nothing out.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Not being flippant or glib here. I mean this from the heart: people who regard themselves as essentially flawed can't possibly be. Irredeemable people would never never say that about themselves. It.sounds like your brutal depression talking. Arrogant narcissists and psychopaths are honestly the only people.with no chance at redemption. You might have fucked up a lot.(like.me) but that wouldn't bother you if you were a.complete failure.

Sorry but there's no way I can agree with this. Sure, there are some people who talk themselves down due to a genuine low self esteem but to insinuate that everybody is like this? Unfortunately, not everybody is born equally and there genuinely are people who are more flawed than the average person and them pointing that out is merely a realistic self assessment. Also, I don't know why you're bringing psychopaths into this as the OP wasn't even talking about being flawed in terms of morality but rather being flawed in terms of functioning as a human being in society and/or in their personal life. Sure, you can be polite and say that they aren't flawed more than others are but that wouldn't achieve anything good in the end when you don't know for certain whether they are flawed or not.

I'm not saying that they are flawed but rather that you shouldn't immediately claim they aren't when there have been cases of people being realistic in introspecting themselves. In the end, some people who say they are flawed genuinely are

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Personally, i think everyone is inherently flawed, and it is quite possible that the environment you're in amplified those flaws that you see in yourself.

Not everyone is meant for retail, or customer services. It's an outlet for transference and emotional dumping for most people, even if they do not realize it.

I myself wonder how long I lasted in retail/customer service, etc. I'm not saying the field is more difficult than any other field, or that it's the most difficult, all i'm saying is it requires a different kind of skillset specially internally.

It is quite possible that if placed in a different field, your faults may be minimized and your successes magnified.

 

[NightingaleOde]

Maybe, Ijustwish.

You're right,the OP didnt.specify being morally irredeemable. I just meant that I've spent virtually my whole.career trying to help.people with grievous moral injury. And its been my experience that the best people usually feel the worst when things go wrong.