I am doubting my decison to ctb help

[FireFox]

I was so sure catching the bus was what i really wanted but now i dont know anymore.

I liked the idea of catching of the bus so i wont have deal with ageing and growing up anymore

The future absolutely terrifies me as i dont see my life getting better.

I having doubts now.
It is scary
I dont want to die but dont want to live either
My birthday as it nears i am going crazy i am sorry
I dont know what to do

 

[SheJumped]

You can always catch another bus. Don't do it cause you feel you have too. There is nothing wrong with giving the next day a chance.

 

[muffin222]

There's no rush the option is always there later on down the line

 

[autumnal]

Yeah, don't rush into anything. When you're truly ready, you will know. There won't be any uncertainty.

 

[PrettyMoose]

It's okay to not know what to do and it's okay to stay in that place for as long as you feel you need to. This isn't a gameshow, you don't have to give an answer quickly.

 

[darkhorse256]

Perhaps you're not ready to CTB yet. There's no need to rush, you still have the rest of your life to CTB if you choose to do so.

 

[Weightoftheworld]

Maybe it isn't time for you to go yet. Don't worry, there will always be another bus to catch.

 

[Orpheus*]

I was so sure catching the bus was what i really wanted but now i dont know anymore.

I liked the idea of catching of the bus so i wont have deal with ageing and growing up anymore

The future absolutely terrifies me as i dont see my life getting better.

I having doubts now.
It is scary
I dont want to die but dont want to live either
My birthday as it nears i am going crazy i am sorry
I dont know what to do

Really relate to the sentiment of not wanting to die but not wanting to live either because I don't see life getting better. It makes me doubt myself whenever I start making plans to CTB too. It is scary. I agree with other people that you can always wait and do it later if you're unsure now. I also recommend getting your plan really solid and ready to go whenever you need it, especially because the process of that will make it feel very real, and how you react to it feeling real says a lot about your deepest feelings about it.

What in particular makes you think life won't get better?

 

[Pan]

Tough stuff indeed, as in balancing ctb with s.i. This is why jumping is of interest to me. One step and there is no afterthought, no turning back; it's truly all over. I can't tell you how many times I have been in tall buildings, finding myself drawn almost magnetically to a ledge, an open window, a rooftop. Then, inevitably, a combination of si and downright vanity kicks in making me say to myself "oh, what a mess i'll make when I hit concrete"!

 

[miguel6565]

Dont rush it,you will know when you are ready kisses

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

I was so sure catching the bus was what i really wanted but now i dont know anymore.

I liked the idea of catching of the bus so i wont have deal with ageing and growing up anymore

The future absolutely terrifies me as i dont see my life getting better.

I having doubts now.
It is scary
I dont want to die but dont want to live either
My birthday as it nears i am going crazy i am sorry
I dont know what to do

I know how you feel Firefox, please DM me if you ever want to talk about us

 

[Bct]

It's okay to having doubts, since it's a big decision & irreversible once we do it. No need to rush it, and you can come back once you feel ready.

 

[FireFox]

Perhaps you're not ready to CTB yet. There's no need to rush, you still have the rest of your life to CTB if you choose to do so.

I am angry at myself for not having the guts to do it.
Cant see my life changing which is why primarily i dont want to live.
I feel like ruined my life forever
I am unemployable and have major insecurities issues because of it. I get rejected for minimum wage jobs, i am jealous of people who worked all thier lives because they cope in the workplace and just life in general.
I am underequalified for everthing else.

I feel like my life is going nowhere.

Being a graduate is not as great people make it to be .

There is so much pressure to have it all togther. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.
Everyday i feel like a failure.
I turn 23 in 2 weeks and have nothing to show for it . I cant stop crying
1) No drivers licence
2) No job and i am on welfare it is so embrassing because it is associtaed with laziness . I live in the UK people on benefits are seen as lazy
3) Still single
4) Living at home . I feel like a burden on my family

 

[I’mDone]

I am angry at myself for not having the guts to do it.
Cant see my life changing which is why primarily i dont want to live.
I feel like ruined my life forever
I am unemployable and have major insecurities issues because of it. I get rejected for minimum wage jobs, i am jealous of people who worked all thier lives because they cope in the workplace and just life in general.
I am underequalified for everthing else.

I feel like my life is going nowhere.

Being a graduate is not as great people make it to be .

There is so much pressure to have it all togther. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.
Everyday i feel like a failure.
I turn 23 in 2 weeks and have nothing to show for it . I cant stop crying
1) No drivers licence
2) No job and i am on welfare it is so embrassing because it is associtaed with laziness . I live in the UK people on benefits are seen as lazy
3) Still single
4) Living at home . I feel like a burden on my family

Please don't be angry with yourself. It's perfectly natural to have doubts and hesitation. The survival instinct is one of the most fundamental ones for all living things.

I hear what you're saying about being unemployed and the stigma SOME people attach to it. Please don't judge yourself harshly -the UK economy had been in a dreadful state for the past 10 years.

23 is still young. Living at home and being single are not things to be ashamed of. If you're doubting your decision to ctb, I feel that there's a part of you that want things in your life to change for the better. I hope that happens for you. This is a great, supportive community. Please keep talking, keep hoping.

 

[FireFox]

a

Really relate to the sentiment of not wanting to die but not wanting to live either because I don't see life getting better. It makes me doubt myself whenever I start making plans to CTB too. It is scary. I agree with other people that you can always wait and do it later if you're unsure now. I also recommend getting your plan really solid and ready to go whenever you need it, especially because the process of that will make it feel very real, and how you react to it feeling real says a lot about your deepest feelings about it.

What in particular makes you think life won't get better?

It wont get better . I cant see it ever getting better.

I am unemployable: i get rejected for minium wage jobs and feel like underqualifed for everthing else.
The longer i am unemployed the less employers will want me.
All i got is voluntary work in my cv but i feel like it is not enough.
A recession is coming more reason to kill myself

I am losing the will to live

 

[AcornUnderground]

Firefox,
Every single reason you listed is fixable. I really am not trying to downplay your suffering. Depression and hopelessness are terrible, tortuous feelings. I believe you can feel better, I believe it in my core. PM me if you want to talk again.

 

[FireFox]

Firefox,
Every single reason you listed is fixable. I really am not trying to downplay your suffering. Depression and hopelessness are terrible, tortuous feelings. I believe you can feel better, I believe it in my core. PM me if you want to talk again.

I dont even know where to start that is the worst thing. For once in my life i actually dont know what to do

I am someone who has an opinion on everything and always has a plan.
Now i dont

 

[AcornUnderground]

I dont even know where to start that is the worst thing. For once in my life i actually dont know what to do

I am someone who has an opinion on everything and always has a plan.
Now i dont

I will PM you.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I was like that last year. Still am in some ways. If you are in any doubt then I suspect it's not the right move for you now. Time may change things one way or another.

 

[Aliali1992]

Take all the time you want...many many things change over time and they could turn in your favor...if they don't you can always CTB but when you're sure and exhausted all other options..SN was unheard of as a method a couple of years ago...there is a company now making debreather devices and who knows what comes in the future so don't rush it.

 

[darkhorse256]

Don't feel frustrated, it's perfectly normal to have doubts about CTB. It is a final decision, after all. I empathise with your struggles, it must be even harder on you since it's covid season now :(. I'm 21 and feel the same hopelessness you do. Except mine is mostly because I don't think I'll be able to work because PTSD makes me have minor freak outs and has screwed over my memory. I'm set to graduate next year but I can't really cope with uni by itself (not sure if I can even finish Uni) , I'm not sure how I'll handle a job.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I am angry at myself for not having the guts to do it.
Cant see my life changing which is why primarily i dont want to live.
I feel like ruined my life forever
I am unemployable and have major insecurities issues because of it. I get rejected for minimum wage jobs, i am jealous of people who worked all thier lives because they cope in the workplace and just life in general.
I am underequalified for everthing else.

I feel like my life is going nowhere.

Being a graduate is not as great people make it to be .

There is so much pressure to have it all togther. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.
Everyday i feel like a failure.
I turn 23 in 2 weeks and have nothing to show for it . I cant stop crying
1) No drivers licence
2) No job and i am on welfare it is so embrassing because it is associtaed with laziness . I live in the UK people on benefits are seen as lazy
3) Still single
4) Living at home . I feel like a burden on my family

I'm in the same boat as you except I'm already 23, I haven't graduated and I've already dropped out once. I have almost never worked and now my employment gap is so large that I fear never being employed. I can't face interviews and the ones I have done I have always left feeling regret and humiliation, because I get so nervous and have nothing to talk about. I feel like I'm too far behind everyone else and I'm just tired of worrying about it all. I find it hard to apply for menial jobs I don't even want only to then be rejected anyway. I don't know what I'm going to do but ctb seems like a wonderful escape, if I can just summon the courage.