Venting I Am Done

[InsideOutOne]

Massively screwed up yesterday by signing to a property I don't want, I've been pushed and pulled in all directions and one should feel some glimmer of hope when getting keys to a new home, but I don't. I feel angry and scared!

I signed to keep others happy, why the hell am I doing that? Why can't I just be me. Depressed for way to long, this mistake has screwed up everything. I went online yesterday setting up utilities for the new place and all I could think of was 'I don't want this... I just want to be dead.'

I have the means to end my life and it's going to be extremely soon, like days rather than weeks, maybe even tonight. All those people who thought this move was a good idea can go fuck themselves and pick up the pieces I am leaving behind. I've been so organised about ending my life for months and now having signed up to a new property, it just massively screws up everything. Even paid a months rent up front of £400 which should if anything be going towards the cost of my funeral, been saving for that for months.

This is one massive fuck up for me.

The mental health team have done sod all in the last year despite my continuous want and need to die, many overdoses as cries for help but also in the hope my organs would fail. I hope the coroner investigates them for neglect, because there death whilst I take responsibility is THEIR FAULT - I asked for help, they failed to deliver it.

I will have no regrets about my decision, I just want to leave this earth and find some peace. I don't belong in this world anymore.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I'm really sorry that you are in this situation. Who do you feel pushed you to sign for your new place? Any family members who know about your ODs?

 

[KleinerWolf]

Do you think it made you feel worse because the place doesn't suit you?
Would you feel better if you find a place of your own

Would you like to consider getting in touch with your mental health team and let them know you expect more from them
and work out new ways so that they can better assist you?

 

[whywere]

I cried when I read your thread. I feel SORRY for everything that is happening to you. I am 64 years young and have basically done the same as you. Signed up for a flat with someone else and got burnt. Agree about mental health services. At least here in the U.S. with private insurance it is ALL about money and NOT the patient. I truly care for you alot sanctioned suicide global family member and I wish for you love and tons of peace. Please take goodcare of yourself!!

 

[InsideOutOne]

I'm really sorry that you are in this situation. Who do you feel pushed you to sign for your new place? Any family members who know about your ODs?

My dad was a little hacked off with me keep changing my mind, and yet when he finally got to see the place yesterday after I'd signed up you could tell he was not overly impressed. And he knows about all the OD's this year and me being sectioned.

Do you think it made you feel worse because the place doesn't suit you?
Would you feel better if you find a place of your own

Would you like to consider getting in touch with your mental health team and let them know you expect more from them
and work out new ways so that they can better assist you?

I've been under the homebased treatment team three times in 2020, the last time was for 8 days and I was discharged on Monday. I actually asked for some additional help to be put in place to help with the move, it was REFUSED! Reason I'm moving is due to antisocial behaviour where I am, sadly new property had a noisy neighbour next door which had been causing problems for some months for residents, whilst I knew about this, I learned more from a local police officer last week - the property offered was being used by the police whilst it was empty for a hub.

I've been struggling for months if not the last three years since my last real suicide attempt, ended up in ICU (mixed OD with Insulin) The mental health team won't take me on because I can still function well even when sucidal and in crisis - I'm a carer for my dad.

The MH team have made me just want to give up, I feel it's like a game of call my bluff, girl with personality disorder is suicidal but won't actually do it... They are so wrong!

 

[GoneGoneGone]

My dad was a little hacked off with me keep changing my mind, and yet when he finally got to see the place yesterday after I'd signed up you could tell he was not overly impressed. And he knows about all the OD's this year and me being sectioned.

Parents seem to never be impressed by anything we do.

I know that a move can be stressful either way, even if you move from a one-bedroom to a palace. My question is, and I hope it's not offending, is it your first time moving? If you had multiple ODs have you considered staying with family for a while to have some social interaction? Are you not at higher risk alone?

Much strength to you!

 

[InsideOutOne]

I cried when I read your thread. I feel SORRY for everything that is happening to you. I am 64 years young and have basically done the same as you. Signed up for a flat with someone else and got burnt. Agree about mental health services. At least here in the U.S. with private insurance it is ALL about money and NOT the patient. I truly care for you alot sanctioned suicide global family member and I wish for you love and tons of peace. Please take goodcare of yourself!!

Thank you x. My GP is supportive, but I still feel like it times to just shuffle of this planet.

UPDATE

I decided to terminate the tenancy, emailed the woman who signed me up and given 4 weeks notice, so I'll lose the money I've paid up front.

Told my current landlord I'm not moving, actually had not terminated my tenancy with them.

Spent the day cancelled the utilities I'd set up. So I'm back to square one. Feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, but I'm still ready to CTB.

Parents seem to never be impressed by anything we do.

I know that a move can be stressful either way, even if you move from a one-bedroom to a palace. My question is, and I hope it's not offending, is it your first time moving? If you had multiple ODs have you considered staying with family for a while to have some social interaction? Are you not at higher risk alone?

Much strength to you!

There is only my dad in the town I live and he's in a 1 bedroom.

I've rented three homes since 2001, my current one being my 3rd. I went through years of antisocial behaviour between 2002 - 2007 and it massively screwed me up. I then moved and was settled with plans for university when I moved again to where I am now in 2010, and it's been downhill ever since. I was swayed by this place because it was new, little did I know living in a flat would cause me so much anxiety, the previous antisocial behaviour has left me unable to deal with excessive noise, which is why I've doubted the new place because of a potential problem neighbour.

Moving wouldn't be cheap, and I can't get out my head that death would be better, I love my dad but I can't keep 'living' for him.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I'm glad that you made the decision for yourself!

 

[KleinerWolf]

My dad was a little hacked off with me keep changing my mind, and yet when he finally got to see the place yesterday after I'd signed up you could tell he was not overly impressed. And he knows about all the OD's this year and me being sectioned.


I've been under the homebased treatment team three times in 2020, the last time was for 8 days and I was discharged on Monday. I actually asked for some additional help to be put in place to help with the move, it was REFUSED! Reason I'm moving is due to antisocial behaviour where I am, sadly new property had a noisy neighbour next door which had been causing problems for some months for residents, whilst I knew about this, I learned more from a local police officer last week - the property offered was being used by the police whilst it was empty for a hub.

I've been struggling for months if not the last three years since my last real suicide attempt, ended up in ICU (mixed OD with Insulin) The mental health team won't take me on because I can still function well even when sucidal and in crisis - I'm a carer for my dad.

The MH team have made me just want to give up, I feel it's like a game of call my bluff, girl with personality disorder is suicidal but won't actually do it... They are so wrong!

It certainly does sound very stressful.
I've moved places before where the new place didn't work out and had to move back where I was living before.
Don't be too harsh on yourself.

I think having access to things like counselling/ medication can help better manage our stress levels and to address the issues we are fighting against.
Whether it's publicly or privately funded services, even if it's self-guidance or meditation,
I hope somehow you get into a position where you have more direct access to mental health.