This is gonna be a long story, I don't expect anyone to read it, but I will be really grateful if anyone does.
So this all started when I graduated high school in summer of 2022. I always aspired to go abroad since I live in a "third world" country, my parents were supportive of the idea and had good money so they agreed. I landed a preparatory year program in a Top 10 university in Europe, it was my dream since the beginning. I was ecstatic about it. I had a good first semester from Sep 2022 to Jan 2023, not really easy but I passed it. Keep in mind that I always had to have a passing grade to even go to the second semester, and there were no retake exams allowed. So I was under a lot of pressure, but I passed it smoothly as I said and we had a 5 weeks off after the exams which allowed me to go back to my home country and I have spent the best month of my life.
Fast forward a couple months, and the first round of exams came, they were bad, I had a grade that was below the passing grade, (which more or less equates to 66%, not just 50% like it is the norm for me and most Western European countries). So I fell into a deep depressive hole, that was even intensified when my best friend and only friend there, we knew each other since high school, had a really bad grade very much worse than me and decided to just quit and come back home in the middle of the semester knowing that he wouldn't be able to realistically compensate that in the second and final round of exams, this left me with no friends, no one to talk to, just me staring at the ceiling, and it's not that I haven't done any efforts to not fail the semester. I studied, but with the overwhelming stress, I couldn't do anything efficiently, I started developing suicidal thoughts.
And one day my dumb ass decided to order an illegal substance, which was intercepted and the police came knocking on my door, they weren't aggressive or anything, they were pretty nice and said that they are obligated by law to take me to do a therapist check-up, where I basically sat there and lied and said that was just an impulsive thing blablablabla, and the doctor there didn't lock me in and let me leave, this was like one week before the exams. So you know what happens afterwards, I sit the exams even under tremendous pressure and knowing I would eventually fail. I even had the idea to just quit the country and go to another country in Europe and try and find some work there or whatever, I wasn't able to kill myself.
Two days after the last exam, in late June 2023, I hopped on a flight back home begging that they just let me leave and not be blocked at the border by the police. My family was aware of my suffering, but as you'll get to know further down the line they often cope by way of denial. I spent the summer there just trying to live life, like I was living life to the fullest, knowing that I would eventually just kill myself, but my biggest mistake was that I didn't really plan how. My family never really knew how affected I was internally because I looked so happy, I had told them that I will integrate a school here in our city. My dad was against the idea and proposed to me that I try again in Europe (Before integrating the Top 10 uni, I was accepted in a respectable engineering school, good but still not as prestigious, and I had paid like 4000$ to secure my place, and they didn't want to give it back after I committed to other university so it just stayed there and I told them that I want a deferred entry the following year just to give us time to eventually contest the money).
He suggested that I try again since I already had the money locked in there. And deep down this was a good thing for me and one that I wanted, but I was too blinded and just wanted to end my life, but I did send them an email and they wanted me back for the next year, but I was self sabotaging, just for the sake of killing myself, and my mother didn't want me to try again because she saw what happened. So I just went ahead and got registered in that shitty local school.
With the start of courses approaching, I was stressing, I was researching methods, but turns out, that one reliable method that I had tried to order to kill myself back in Europe, was not banned here, but not really available. I started panicking, days went by fast, and the start of courses was there, so to just delay this, I tried to fake my attendances by waking up in the morning and acting like I'm going to school, I knew this wasn't going to last but I needed time to just have a proper method, At first I was terrified of ropes, so I just bought some medication that could maybe kill me, but didn't. I was going through every pharmacy in the city and even calling ones outside the city to check for a medication that I'm sure would've helped, but yeah my luck strikes again and out of sheer randomness it was no longer available due to a national shortage.I started envisaging more extreme options, but I was too much of a coward to say anything, until one day, the school calls, my parents knew, and panic filled the house.
After numerous fights. I was forced to go to a therapist and take meds (and also get like a certificate that would allow me to not go to school), but guess what, like 3 days into the medication, I developed some serious side effects, culminating in my face muscles one day just starting to act on their own, I started biting my own tongue and opening my mouth so damn wide and closing it violently, that day I was on the point of killing myself brutally, I started hitting my head violently against the wall, I was even close to going to the top of my house and freefalling but my family basically held me down, I was taken to a clinic and stayed there for 2 nights with the first night being so painful basically having to bite on pieces of cloth especially when they couldn't give me anything to calm me or anesthesiate me because it would make me worse. Until my system flushed out the medication through hydration but I was fine afterwards.
I got a 40 day certificate to not attend school, those 40 days I was every day trying new methods that I'm not gonna discuss on here, nothing worked basically and I had to go back to school again. So what I did was just attend like 1 hour or less, just until I was able to confirm my presence and just leave afterwards spend the 8 hours away from home then come back, this didn't last though because like a week after somehow my family knew, especially since some days I wouldn't even go to school even, so the administration caught up, and they were told that i need to go to some exams and
minimum get like 25% for now until I can compensate later on.
But I didn't want to do that, I was just researching methods to kill myself and a lot of trial and error, before that one day I just decided to get a rope, and i started learning about the intricacies of hanging etc, but also that didn't work. So I wasted another year again, stuck between not being able to kill myself nor study. My parents eventually gave up and left me rotting in my room, just passing me food and meds and leaving me alone, while during the night I was practicing every single method. But I was never successful. This would go on for months until like March of 2024, when I decided that I can't hide this anymore and they're going to put me in an asylum, so I applied to a school abroad (In the same city as the one that took 4000$ from us, note that later on they will return the sum) and surprisingly I got in.
I didn't care enough, I just wanted an excuse to tell them I'm going forward and applying to schools, I've hidden my admission into that institution from them, until one day I decided to tell my therapist (I know I haven't said much about my therapists, but basically I went through 3, the first one that gave me meds that were incompatible with me, the second one that supposedly wanted to guide me to reintegrate that local school, and this third one which is just an "I don't care therapist" and just prescribed meds upon like 1 min of conversation). And he told them that your son got accepted and my family was happy but deep down I still want to get rid of myself, and I hated this because this is just delaying the inevitable.
Fast forward to the current day, I'm abroad again and I am so done, I can't break out of this cycle I never wanted to be here I wasn't even supposed to live this long I should've been dead like a year ago and somehow I ended up in this shitty life, just to please other people, I can't even attend half the classes without me panicking and hating my life, seeing the same material for two years straight now and hearing that I'm surrounded by 17 year olds, or seeing that we're already in 2025 and I'm still in a first year program out of 5 potential years, I'm only scraping by because I already know the material but I'm tired, I'm just not built for studying not built for life even.
When I try to pick up a pen my heart just starts uncontrollably racing and my breathing just shuts down It's all just a repeat of last time and I'm gonna fail again sooner or later even if I scrape by this year, I've even missed enough classes for them to issue a warning and said that they aren't going to let me compensate my grades which is just going to complicate things and send me to retake exams in which grade compensation is also prohibited, So why am I even bothering at this point. The school basically told me to suck it up and that my mental health issues do not award any kind of special treatment, either you attend 95% of classes or you are issued a warning and denied grade compensation.
I have always felt like this, I'm just delaying the inevitable and stuck in the same spot. I'm never going to be happy and never going to be fulfilled whatever I do and I'm done gaslighting myself or lying to people, hell I have never even cooked anything for myself this whole semester, and any small thing that I do completely drains me for days, I'm physically incapable of doing anything.
I've refrained from telling my family any of this because at the end of the day they're just going to send me some BS words and next time I'm around they're gonna put me on meds again and send me to a therapist and keep monitoring me as if I'm a hazard when clearly none of this stuff works.
I'm tired of everyone downplaying my suffering as if I'm just some edgy teenager looking for attention, hell even mom called me a masochist like yesterday because for her I like to self inflict this pain on myself instead of just forgetting and moving on. Even my therapist repeatedly says that it's not a big deal like wtf. I'm once again tired of pleasing people, either to protect them or to protect myself from being thrown in an asylum. I'm tired of fighting this nonsensical battle that would lead me fucking nowhere. All this suffering for nothing.
So this all started when I graduated high school in summer of 2022. I always aspired to go abroad since I live in a "third world" country, my parents were supportive of the idea and had good money so they agreed. I landed a preparatory year program in a Top 10 university in Europe, it was my dream since the beginning. I was ecstatic about it. I had a good first semester from Sep 2022 to Jan 2023, not really easy but I passed it. Keep in mind that I always had to have a passing grade to even go to the second semester, and there were no retake exams allowed. So I was under a lot of pressure, but I passed it smoothly as I said and we had a 5 weeks off after the exams which allowed me to go back to my home country and I have spent the best month of my life.
Fast forward a couple months, and the first round of exams came, they were bad, I had a grade that was below the passing grade, (which more or less equates to 66%, not just 50% like it is the norm for me and most Western European countries). So I fell into a deep depressive hole, that was even intensified when my best friend and only friend there, we knew each other since high school, had a really bad grade very much worse than me and decided to just quit and come back home in the middle of the semester knowing that he wouldn't be able to realistically compensate that in the second and final round of exams, this left me with no friends, no one to talk to, just me staring at the ceiling, and it's not that I haven't done any efforts to not fail the semester. I studied, but with the overwhelming stress, I couldn't do anything efficiently, I started developing suicidal thoughts.
And one day my dumb ass decided to order an illegal substance, which was intercepted and the police came knocking on my door, they weren't aggressive or anything, they were pretty nice and said that they are obligated by law to take me to do a therapist check-up, where I basically sat there and lied and said that was just an impulsive thing blablablabla, and the doctor there didn't lock me in and let me leave, this was like one week before the exams. So you know what happens afterwards, I sit the exams even under tremendous pressure and knowing I would eventually fail. I even had the idea to just quit the country and go to another country in Europe and try and find some work there or whatever, I wasn't able to kill myself.
Two days after the last exam, in late June 2023, I hopped on a flight back home begging that they just let me leave and not be blocked at the border by the police. My family was aware of my suffering, but as you'll get to know further down the line they often cope by way of denial. I spent the summer there just trying to live life, like I was living life to the fullest, knowing that I would eventually just kill myself, but my biggest mistake was that I didn't really plan how. My family never really knew how affected I was internally because I looked so happy, I had told them that I will integrate a school here in our city. My dad was against the idea and proposed to me that I try again in Europe (Before integrating the Top 10 uni, I was accepted in a respectable engineering school, good but still not as prestigious, and I had paid like 4000$ to secure my place, and they didn't want to give it back after I committed to other university so it just stayed there and I told them that I want a deferred entry the following year just to give us time to eventually contest the money).
He suggested that I try again since I already had the money locked in there. And deep down this was a good thing for me and one that I wanted, but I was too blinded and just wanted to end my life, but I did send them an email and they wanted me back for the next year, but I was self sabotaging, just for the sake of killing myself, and my mother didn't want me to try again because she saw what happened. So I just went ahead and got registered in that shitty local school.
With the start of courses approaching, I was stressing, I was researching methods, but turns out, that one reliable method that I had tried to order to kill myself back in Europe, was not banned here, but not really available. I started panicking, days went by fast, and the start of courses was there, so to just delay this, I tried to fake my attendances by waking up in the morning and acting like I'm going to school, I knew this wasn't going to last but I needed time to just have a proper method, At first I was terrified of ropes, so I just bought some medication that could maybe kill me, but didn't. I was going through every pharmacy in the city and even calling ones outside the city to check for a medication that I'm sure would've helped, but yeah my luck strikes again and out of sheer randomness it was no longer available due to a national shortage.I started envisaging more extreme options, but I was too much of a coward to say anything, until one day, the school calls, my parents knew, and panic filled the house.
After numerous fights. I was forced to go to a therapist and take meds (and also get like a certificate that would allow me to not go to school), but guess what, like 3 days into the medication, I developed some serious side effects, culminating in my face muscles one day just starting to act on their own, I started biting my own tongue and opening my mouth so damn wide and closing it violently, that day I was on the point of killing myself brutally, I started hitting my head violently against the wall, I was even close to going to the top of my house and freefalling but my family basically held me down, I was taken to a clinic and stayed there for 2 nights with the first night being so painful basically having to bite on pieces of cloth especially when they couldn't give me anything to calm me or anesthesiate me because it would make me worse. Until my system flushed out the medication through hydration but I was fine afterwards.
I got a 40 day certificate to not attend school, those 40 days I was every day trying new methods that I'm not gonna discuss on here, nothing worked basically and I had to go back to school again. So what I did was just attend like 1 hour or less, just until I was able to confirm my presence and just leave afterwards spend the 8 hours away from home then come back, this didn't last though because like a week after somehow my family knew, especially since some days I wouldn't even go to school even, so the administration caught up, and they were told that i need to go to some exams and
minimum get like 25% for now until I can compensate later on.
But I didn't want to do that, I was just researching methods to kill myself and a lot of trial and error, before that one day I just decided to get a rope, and i started learning about the intricacies of hanging etc, but also that didn't work. So I wasted another year again, stuck between not being able to kill myself nor study. My parents eventually gave up and left me rotting in my room, just passing me food and meds and leaving me alone, while during the night I was practicing every single method. But I was never successful. This would go on for months until like March of 2024, when I decided that I can't hide this anymore and they're going to put me in an asylum, so I applied to a school abroad (In the same city as the one that took 4000$ from us, note that later on they will return the sum) and surprisingly I got in.
I didn't care enough, I just wanted an excuse to tell them I'm going forward and applying to schools, I've hidden my admission into that institution from them, until one day I decided to tell my therapist (I know I haven't said much about my therapists, but basically I went through 3, the first one that gave me meds that were incompatible with me, the second one that supposedly wanted to guide me to reintegrate that local school, and this third one which is just an "I don't care therapist" and just prescribed meds upon like 1 min of conversation). And he told them that your son got accepted and my family was happy but deep down I still want to get rid of myself, and I hated this because this is just delaying the inevitable.
Fast forward to the current day, I'm abroad again and I am so done, I can't break out of this cycle I never wanted to be here I wasn't even supposed to live this long I should've been dead like a year ago and somehow I ended up in this shitty life, just to please other people, I can't even attend half the classes without me panicking and hating my life, seeing the same material for two years straight now and hearing that I'm surrounded by 17 year olds, or seeing that we're already in 2025 and I'm still in a first year program out of 5 potential years, I'm only scraping by because I already know the material but I'm tired, I'm just not built for studying not built for life even.
When I try to pick up a pen my heart just starts uncontrollably racing and my breathing just shuts down It's all just a repeat of last time and I'm gonna fail again sooner or later even if I scrape by this year, I've even missed enough classes for them to issue a warning and said that they aren't going to let me compensate my grades which is just going to complicate things and send me to retake exams in which grade compensation is also prohibited, So why am I even bothering at this point. The school basically told me to suck it up and that my mental health issues do not award any kind of special treatment, either you attend 95% of classes or you are issued a warning and denied grade compensation.
I have always felt like this, I'm just delaying the inevitable and stuck in the same spot. I'm never going to be happy and never going to be fulfilled whatever I do and I'm done gaslighting myself or lying to people, hell I have never even cooked anything for myself this whole semester, and any small thing that I do completely drains me for days, I'm physically incapable of doing anything.
I've refrained from telling my family any of this because at the end of the day they're just going to send me some BS words and next time I'm around they're gonna put me on meds again and send me to a therapist and keep monitoring me as if I'm a hazard when clearly none of this stuff works.
I'm tired of everyone downplaying my suffering as if I'm just some edgy teenager looking for attention, hell even mom called me a masochist like yesterday because for her I like to self inflict this pain on myself instead of just forgetting and moving on. Even my therapist repeatedly says that it's not a big deal like wtf. I'm once again tired of pleasing people, either to protect them or to protect myself from being thrown in an asylum. I'm tired of fighting this nonsensical battle that would lead me fucking nowhere. All this suffering for nothing.
Your struggle and your suicidality makes sense given everything you're going through. We just hope that whatever path you choose is one that provides the least amount of suffering, at the very least! Sending warm and safe energy your way if wanted 
