If anyone remembers, I was posting here during a very hard time in my life. I got through it thanks to a medication, called effexor (venlafaxine). It worked and made my life bearable again. Eventually my life became not good, but ok. Everything was just fine and I slowly became a functioning member of society again. I even got a girlfriend, my first real one in a very very long time.
Then everything went to shit again, because of my stupid broken brain. The effexor brought back my real personality, but it came with side effects, most of them sexual. Sex drive was non existant, energy levels at an all time low, very low drive to do anything. Having a girlfriend and literally no sex drive + constant low energy made me feel inadeguate, I felt like a failure. I couldn't tell her I was under this medication, I felt like it was pathetic to be on antidepressants, started to think I wasn't myself anymore and that the effexor was overwriting my real thoughts and making me have erectile disfunction and no energy. So I stopped it, powered through a shitload of withdrawal symptoms, blaming work and making up excuses for the crippling headache, nausea, brain zaps, you name it. What could go wrong? Nothing in fact, everything looked fine. Unfortunately though, she realized I am a defective human being. I am defective, years of hikikomori life, and isolation, have broken me. I am immature, I never saw anything in the world other than my computer and my room. The room I spent several years locked inside as a real hikikomori. The room where I wasted countless days, months and years of my life playing shitty video games and watching porn.
You simply cannot recover from that. Not without immense amounts of inner strenght, something I don't have.
I had to close the relationship, she was sad, feeling unwanted, feeling inadeguate. I got tired of faking being normal, I am not, I will never be. Efexor makes me seem normal but I have all of my unresolved issues lurking beneath. I am empty and I cannot feel anything anymore. Not even having such a sweet girl with me could make me stop being a piece of shit. I never really loved her, that is the truth. I was never enough, that is also the truth. Because I am a empty husk of a human being, I have absolute nothingness inside of me.
You know when I realized I was empty? We were hugging and talking, and she told me, Mark, is there any place you really wish to visit. I looked inside myself and saw an absolute void. I don't wish for anything. I just want to be alone and die alone. That's when I realized it was over.
She is almost gone from my life now, and I won't do anything to bring her back. I am ashamed of how I am, of how my brain works, of how empty I am. She was so sweet to me and I felt nothing. She accepted my flaws and I felt nothing. I still feel nothing, other than shame for myself for having failed yet again at having a normal life. I lost my girlfriend because of how empty I am and I feel nothing.
I am totally empty, I just feel tired.
So here I am, again. Take the effexor and give another chance at life?
It does work and it does make life bearable. I will feel ok instead of this consuming void. I will feel "right" instead of broken and defective. But how long will it last? When will the side effects become worse? Is it even life if I depend on a pill? I don't think it is. Maybe I should just take the SN and get it over with. It's calling to me from under the bed where I hid it. I again feel like my time is almost over.
Then everything went to shit again, because of my stupid broken brain. The effexor brought back my real personality, but it came with side effects, most of them sexual. Sex drive was non existant, energy levels at an all time low, very low drive to do anything. Having a girlfriend and literally no sex drive + constant low energy made me feel inadeguate, I felt like a failure. I couldn't tell her I was under this medication, I felt like it was pathetic to be on antidepressants, started to think I wasn't myself anymore and that the effexor was overwriting my real thoughts and making me have erectile disfunction and no energy. So I stopped it, powered through a shitload of withdrawal symptoms, blaming work and making up excuses for the crippling headache, nausea, brain zaps, you name it. What could go wrong? Nothing in fact, everything looked fine. Unfortunately though, she realized I am a defective human being. I am defective, years of hikikomori life, and isolation, have broken me. I am immature, I never saw anything in the world other than my computer and my room. The room I spent several years locked inside as a real hikikomori. The room where I wasted countless days, months and years of my life playing shitty video games and watching porn.
You simply cannot recover from that. Not without immense amounts of inner strenght, something I don't have.
I had to close the relationship, she was sad, feeling unwanted, feeling inadeguate. I got tired of faking being normal, I am not, I will never be. Efexor makes me seem normal but I have all of my unresolved issues lurking beneath. I am empty and I cannot feel anything anymore. Not even having such a sweet girl with me could make me stop being a piece of shit. I never really loved her, that is the truth. I was never enough, that is also the truth. Because I am a empty husk of a human being, I have absolute nothingness inside of me.
You know when I realized I was empty? We were hugging and talking, and she told me, Mark, is there any place you really wish to visit. I looked inside myself and saw an absolute void. I don't wish for anything. I just want to be alone and die alone. That's when I realized it was over.
She is almost gone from my life now, and I won't do anything to bring her back. I am ashamed of how I am, of how my brain works, of how empty I am. She was so sweet to me and I felt nothing. She accepted my flaws and I felt nothing. I still feel nothing, other than shame for myself for having failed yet again at having a normal life. I lost my girlfriend because of how empty I am and I feel nothing.
I am totally empty, I just feel tired.
So here I am, again. Take the effexor and give another chance at life?
It does work and it does make life bearable. I will feel ok instead of this consuming void. I will feel "right" instead of broken and defective. But how long will it last? When will the side effects become worse? Is it even life if I depend on a pill? I don't think it is. Maybe I should just take the SN and get it over with. It's calling to me from under the bed where I hid it. I again feel like my time is almost over.
