Venting I am already dying

[highjumping]

My health has been declining rapidly and because I don't wan't to bother anyone anymore I have come back to this site.
I've tasted a little happiness but it has been ripped away from me as fast as it came, I feel helpless.
I've slept all day today and time doesn't feel real anymore, I don't have anything to do honestly, I am wasting away, I honestly just feel numb.
There is this desire to cry but nothing comes out and even if it would, it wouldn't help.
I need to scream in someones face how terrible I feel but with that I'll scare everyone away.
I would like to keep the few friendships I have left but it's hard not to express my pain when it is all I can feel as of recently again.
Almost half a year clean but it doesn't matter to anyone, nobody cares about that but when I relapse they will all tell me what a weak failure I am.
Nobody is proud of the little recovery I am trying to do, they are all disgusted by the tainted parts that are still there.
I feel like everyone only sees my flaws.
They joke about my scars as if it would be nothing, say I should be ashamed and that cuts deeper than any blade ever cloud when coming from people you care about.
Sometimes I really want to get better but there are no reasons for it, everything falls apart again as soon as I feel save.
I hate myself so incredibly much it makes me angry.
Rage has been the feeling that has gotten me out of bed because I'll just hate myself even more if I rot in bed.
I haven't felt hungry recently, at all. It is strange.
I can barely get myself to eat and swallowing it makes me want to vomit, I am so disappointed in myself but that makes eating even harder.
I feel disgusting but also I feel nothing, I've given up I think.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I just wanna say this post resonated but also made my heart ache for you.

I wanna say I am incredibly proud of you for the level of recovery you have achieved and even if it feels like it's little reading this it definitely didn't feel little to me.

Having scars is very hard to live with. Sometimes I look at my body and can't help but feel disgusting.... I used to at times though look at them as battle scars & proof of fighting for better in this shitty world. Jus offering a bit of my own perspective.


Im sorry to hear ur health is declining. I can relate and it's such an awful feeling. Rage has been getting me by too as of late.

I dunno if any of this was helpful or just amnoying but just wanted to say I hear u

 

[enough of this]

My health has been declining rapidly and because I don't wan't to bother anyone anymore I have come back to this site.
I've tasted a little happiness but it has been ripped away from me as fast as it came, I feel helpless.
I've slept all day today and time doesn't feel real anymore, I don't have anything to do honestly, I am wasting away, I honestly just feel numb.
There is this desire to cry but nothing comes out and even if it would, it wouldn't help.
I need to scream in someones face how terrible I feel but with that I'll scare everyone away.
I would like to keep the few friendships I have left but it's hard not to express my pain when it is all I can feel as of recently again.
Almost half a year clean but it doesn't matter to anyone, nobody cares about that but when I relapse they will all tell me what a weak failure I am.
Nobody is proud of the little recovery I am trying to do, they are all disgusted by the tainted parts that are still there.
I feel like everyone only sees my flaws.
They joke about my scars as if it would be nothing, say I should be ashamed and that cuts deeper than any blade ever cloud when coming from people you care about.
Sometimes I really want to get better but there are no reasons for it, everything falls apart again as soon as I feel save.
I hate myself so incredibly much it makes me angry.
Rage has been the feeling that has gotten me out of bed because I'll just hate myself even more if I rot in bed.
I haven't felt hungry recently, at all. It is strange.
I can barely get myself to eat and swallowing it makes me want to vomit, I am so disappointed in myself but that makes eating even harder.
I feel disgusting but also I feel nothing, I've given up I think.

This is so ME. I could have written this post. I've been miserable for so long. At this point, I can't imagine any direction to go with my life, but out of it. The only thing keeping me going, are the fantasies I have of how wonderful it's going to be when I die. It's now just a matter of finding the best method that's going to help me achieve CTB. I wish you the best in your journey.

 

[highjumping]

I just wanna say this post resonated but also made my heart ache for you.

I wanna say I am incredibly proud of you for the level of recovery you have achieved and even if it feels like it's little reading this it definitely didn't feel little to me.

Having scars is very hard to live with. Sometimes I look at my body and can't help but feel disgusting.... I used to at times though look at them as battle scars & proof of fighting for better in this shitty world. Jus offering a bit of my own perspective.


Im sorry to hear ur health is declining. I can relate and it's such an awful feeling. Rage has been getting me by too as of late.

I dunno if any of this was helpful or just amnoying but just wanted to say I hear u

Thank you for the kind words, I hope you can feel better soon

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful suffering like that, I understand that it's awful feeling trapped in a situation that you hate. But anyway best wishes.