Venting I am alive because i feel sorry for people.

[itachi of death]

Im gonna get personal because why not,my sister(actually my cousin)accidentally killed herself from bdsm she was only 22,it killed my uncle he smokes alot just to keep going,anyways I tried lower suspension and only become unconscious woke up when my ex slapped me in the face and walk off and told me to untie myself,I created a life for myself other people wish they had and it turns out I never enjoyed any of it,even when I've was going good I ruined it because I wasn't happy,can't ever achieve happiness its like your reaching for a ball and you get inches away and you never touch it ever,even if all you have to do is reach forward but you don't want to,or your will doesn't want to get better all it wants is dark and death.but I have people and kids that depend on me,and thats why I have to live,which just makes me more angry and full of hatred because I hate this world,I hate how people treat each other ,and so on.so I plan on ctb when my kids turn 18 and I taught they everything I know and teach them everything about surviving in this cruel world.i know its selfish of me but,my whole life I've been unselfish and it has fucked me over everytime.so one time in my life im going to be selfish and ctb and I wish everyone a happy or content life,

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

I'm sorry that you feel that way and that things have been rough. You have every right to be selfish and end your life if that is what you desire. Just as much as you have a right to live.

 

[sighingspider]

Sometimes, it's all right to be selfish. After all you have done, I think you have the rights to be "selfish". Good luck bud.

 

[itachi of death]

I think that's i first time I've heard those words in my life,I appreciate that,I dont have a bad life I just don't want a life,childhood trauma kinda de-sensitizes you from most emotions,but hear I am alive because I was born,alive because I started a life with the appearance of happiness,only feeling empty inside.back than the weird part was I didn't notice how empty I was I was like a robot just doing things I had to without any joy or passion,avoid people because I really didn't wanna start anything and I love my kids to death but they console me and I feel bad they see me crying sometimes and it makes me cry more ive always been in a personal dilemma with myself and everyone says ill be the piece of shit that left his kids and have a tainted memory or I do what im doing now and waiting till their grown up

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

I think that's i first time I've heard those words in my life,I appreciate that,I dont have a bad life I just don't want a life,childhood trauma kinda de-sensitizes you from most emotions,but hear I am alive because I was born,alive because I started a life with the appearance of happiness,only feeling empty inside.back than the weird part was I didn't notice how empty I was I was like a robot just doing things I had to without any joy or passion,avoid people because I really didn't wanna start anything and I love my kids to death but they console me and I feel bad they see me crying sometimes and it makes me cry more ive always been in a personal dilemma with myself and everyone says ill be the piece of shit that left his kids and have a tainted memory or I do what im doing now and waiting till their grown up

You won't be a piece of shit no matter what you do. Only you have a say in what you want to do with your life and no one else.

 

[itachi of death]

You won't be a piece of shit no matter what you do. Only you have a say in what you want to do with your life and no one else.

Wise words,I agree with you but u know guilt bleh

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

Wise words,I agree with you but u know guilt bleh

I know, these feelings are hard to overcome. I'm here with a lot of regrets and self-loathing. When things gets so hard to bear that they outweigh the guilt that will be the moment to take action.

 

[itachi of death]

I know, these feelings are hard to overcome. I'm here with a lot of regrets and self-loathing. When things gets so hard to bear that they outweigh the guilt that will be the moment to take action.

Spur of the moment if it overwhelms me again the bus ill go ,hopefully catch it next time instead of missing it

 

[Kat!]

Suicide isn't selfish.. :(
But don't feel like you have to do this, I know how it's like to be fucked over every time you try to open up. It's a tough feeling when you dedicate your life to people or a specific person and they just trash you emotionally, you must overcome the sadness.

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

Spur of the moment if it overwhelms me again the bus ill go ,hopefully catch it next time instead of missing it

Good luck with whatever you decide to do in the end, the choice is yours alone.

 

[itachi of death]

Suicide isn't selfish.. :(
But don't feel like you have to do this, I know how it's like to be fucked over every time you try to open up. It's a tough feeling when you dedicate your life to people or a specific person and they just trash you emotionally, you must overcome the sadness.

Its wanting to thats my problem,is i dont have that want to have a happy life,idk how to find it

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

Suicide isn't selfish.. :(
But don't feel like you have to do this, I know how it's like to be fucked over every time you try to open up. It's a tough feeling when you dedicate your life to people or a specific person and they just trash you emotionally, you must overcome the sadness.

Well, that last part is hard as hell. Especially if it's not the first time.

 

[Kat!]

Its wanting to thats my problem,is i dont have that want to have a happy life,idk how to find it

I understand, we all reach that age eventually when we don't have a "why."
I think it's more important to look towards "how."
How can I be happy? What makes me happy? Even if it's for a little, a little is a lot. Although I don't think optimistically a lot I think it's important to nudge off the thoughts of death.

 

[itachi of death]

I understand, we all reach that age eventually when we don't have a "why."
I think it's more important to look towards "how."
How can I be happy? What makes me happy? Even if it's for a little, a little is a lot. Although I don't think optimistically a lot I think it's important to nudge off the thoughts of death.

I feel like I'm in a limbo not good or bad is neutral, life just doesn't appeal to me much I try tocthink more optimistic.idk im trying,all I can I do i suppose

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

I feel like I'm in a limbo not good or bad is neutral, life just doesn't appeal to me much I try tocthink more optimistic.idk im trying,all I can I do i suppose

As long as you try all you can do there isn't a single problem. You do your best and whatever the outcome is, it'll be fine.

 

[peacechoice]

I wish people who had kids didn't CTB because it is inherently selfish to have responsibilities and then let them go. However, no one but you can see your pains and I'm not going to patronize you on your choices because I don't want to seem like a hypocrite. May you find peace in your choice, whatever that may be.

 

[Surgeon]

Ahh you're affirming everything i already believe.
This is an ugly place and when i had a taste of success it made me no happier. Probably worse off.
The thought of having kids terrify me for your exact situation. You're in a tough one mate.

Hope you can find your peace no matter how.