I am a hateful person

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Whenever I am mad, triggered, pissed, or however you wanna call it, I go into suicide mode

And when I go into suicide mode, I want to hurt people

I want to hurt the bastards that made me the way I am

In my mind I think of so many ways of hurting them. Twisted ways. I am not sure if I would ever go through with something, but the temptation is there

When I think of suicide, I think of leaving behind notes. Notes directed towards the very people that fucked me up. Blame them for everything. Wish them bad, etc

I want them to live the rest of their lives feeling guilty over their abuse towards me

I hope they live with the same pain I am living with x10

And then, when I die, I will be at peace knowing that I go the revenge I always wanted

I dont believe in "living is the best revenge"

Knowing that I can take back power through revenge is enough for me

 

[WitheringAway]

Same I don't think I could ever forgive those who fucked me up and ruined my life.. I hate them with a passion though I don't actively wish to harm them and have my revenge.. well maybe only once or twice i did that

 

[Dead beat dad]

Whenever I am mad, triggered, pissed, or however you wanna call it, I go into suicide mode

And when I go into suicide mode, I want to hurt people

I want to hurt the bastards that made me the way I am

In my mind I think of so many ways of hurting them. Twisted ways. I am not sure if I would ever go through with something, but the temptation is there

When I think of suicide, I think of leaving behind notes. Notes directed towards the very people that fucked me up. Blame them for everything. Wish them bad, etc

I want them to live the rest of their lives feeling guilty over their abuse towards me

I hope they live with the same pain I am living with x10

And then, when I die, I will be at peace knowing that I go the revenge I always wanted

I dont believe in "living is the best revenge"

Knowing that I can take back power through revenge is enough for me

Trouble is if someone is that mean to you, your death may not resonate with them in the way you might expect (ie they might not have the capacity to feel guilt) and in which case the revenge you seek might not be met.
That's easy for me to say from behind a keyboard on the other side of the world as I'm sure there is much more to you story and disposition and for what it's worth I'm sincerely sorry for the sequence of events that have brought you here.
Love and respect friend.

DBD

 

[Supertramp]

Maybe you should look into Stoicism

From book 11 of meditations by Marcus Aurelius

it is not men's acts which disturb us, for those acts have their foundation in men's ruling principles, but it is our own opinions which disturb us. Take away these opinions then, and resolve to dismiss thy judgement about an act as if it were something grievous, and thy anger is gone. How then shall I take away these opinions? By reflecting that no wrongful act of another brings shame on thee: for unless that which is shameful is alone bad, thou also must of necessity do many things wrong, and become a robber and everything else.

consider how much more pain is brought on us by the anger and vexation caused by such acts than by the acts themselves, at which we are angry and vexed.

consider that a good disposition is invincible, if it be genuine, and not an affected smile and acting a part.

When you harbor and feed hatred in this way you do great harm to yourself.

 

[Mr.Mediocre]

Do you hate specific people or just everyone in general (because that's where I am at).

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Trouble is if someone is that mean to you, your death may not resonate with them in the way you might expect (ie they might not have the capacity to feel guilt) and in which case the revenge you seek might not be met.
That's easy for me to say from behind a keyboard on the other side of the world as I'm sure there is much more to you story and disposition and for what it's worth I'm sincerely sorry for the sequence of events that have brought you here.
Love and respect friend.

DBD

Thank you for your thoughtful and kind response. That is a good point. The main abuser in my life was my mom. Though, I am not sure how she would have felt (she's has since passed away) From what I heard she always wanted a daughter. I only wish I died earlier just so she could have died with guilt on her conscious

Do you hate specific people or just everyone in general (because that's where I am at).

I hate specific people, but probably everyone tbh

 

[KibblesNBits]

Whenever I am mad, triggered, pissed, or however you wanna call it, I go into suicide mode

And when I go into suicide mode, I want to hurt people

I want to hurt the bastards that made me the way I am

In my mind I think of so many ways of hurting them. Twisted ways. I am not sure if I would ever go through with something, but the temptation is there

When I think of suicide, I think of leaving behind notes. Notes directed towards the very people that fucked me up. Blame them for everything. Wish them bad, etc

I want them to live the rest of their lives feeling guilty over their abuse towards me

I hope they live with the same pain I am living with x10

And then, when I die, I will be at peace knowing that I go the revenge I always wanted

I dont believe in "living is the best revenge"

Knowing that I can take back power through revenge is enough for me

I wish I could live well for revenge. Instead, I pretty much fucked up my life out of stupidity and spite to the point where I'm forced to end it. It fucking sucks

 

[Misery99]

Thank you for your thoughtful and kind response. That is a good point. The main abuser in my life was my mom. Though, I am not sure how she would have felt (she's has since passed away) From what I heard she always wanted a daughter. I only wish I died earlier just so she could have died with guilt on her conscious

I hate specific people, but probably everyone tbh

I also hate my mom. She slept around with other men secretly and pretend to the family like she is some sort of a saint.She is a freaking hypocrite.I want to expose all her dirty secrets and get revenge before I die.Seeing her having sex with other men messed up my mind very badly since I witnessed them when I was only a little kid.Not only that she ruined my relationship with a guy I met online. I'm in so much pain because of her.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I do laugh a little at the thought of people being upset when I die ngl. It seems like a fair bit of payback for how hard they ignored my problems when I wanted help.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I do laugh a little at the thought of people being upset when I die ngl. It seems like a fair bit of payback for how hard they ignored my problems when I wanted help.

I feel this. If I could, I would like to be in heaven looking down at them. Seeing them suffering karma

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Same. It's not that I really want anyone to suffer, more that I want to see them at least acknowledge my situation, even if they forget all about it after a few months. It sucks having to live around people when they just pretend that your problems don't exist.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Same. It's not that I really want anyone to suffer, more that I want to see them at least acknowledge my situation, even if they forget all about it after a few months. It sucks having to live around people when they just pretend that your problems don't exist.

Exactly. Its really sad seeing so many people shocked when someone dies by suicide. A lack of accountability and denial is so apparent. Many parents are abusive and fail their kids. Many family dynamics are dysfunctional. Many schools dont do anything about bullying. Many mental health professionals dont know what they are doing. Accountability of those wo do wrong and deny need to take responsibility. But they themselves dont recognize it, or dont want to in fear of having to see themselves as a monster. Either way, until we start taking accountability nothing will change/

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

Whenever I am mad, triggered, pissed, or however you wanna call it, I go into suicide mode

And when I go into suicide mode, I want to hurt people

I want to hurt the bastards that made me the way I am

In my mind I think of so many ways of hurting them. Twisted ways. I am not sure if I would ever go through with something, but the temptation is there

When I think of suicide, I think of leaving behind notes. Notes directed towards the very people that fucked me up. Blame them for everything. Wish them bad, etc

I want them to live the rest of their lives feeling guilty over their abuse towards me

I hope they live with the same pain I am living with x10

And then, when I die, I will be at peace knowing that I go the revenge I always wanted

I dont believe in "living is the best revenge"

Knowing that I can take back power through revenge is enough for me

I feel the exact same way!! I also get very impulsive and automatically start choking myself at times