I have suicidal thoughts since I am 15. Since a mixed manic-depressive episode started. I experienced domestic violence at a young age. I started to imagine to hurt myself. I saw a movie where a character pulled off his skin and I thought this is exactly the feeling I get when I am getting beaten. This incident got me into watching gore. Something I deeply regret. I hated my whole life to that time. (still till this day lol). I worked extremely hard for school, lost very much weight within a short amount of time. I realized I am very self-discilpined and set me some goals which I steadily followed. Though the pressure was horrible. I felt like caged in a situation without being able to free myself. Retrospectively I know that this is often related to the beginning of a mental illness. I worked extremely hard while my desire to die became stronger. My manic symptoms fixated me on my goals. I had a feeling something must happen. That this cannot go on like that. I watched a Malcolm in the middle episode to which I could relate. Malcom is a somewhat intelligent teenager and in this episode he started to suppress his emotions. Always when he felt like wanting to shout or scream due to unfairness for example he kept quite and did not say word. I think the episode ends that he has to go to a hospital because he coughs blood. It is such a long time ago I don't know what his condition was. But he became physically ill by suppressing his emotions. And I thought something like that would happen to me either. I was so wrong.
I was quite young and had no idea of mental illness and that it is widespread in our family. Also in other fictional series barely anyone got a mental illness because of working too hard. In the Japanese series I watched they died of Karoshi or had to be hospitalized and even in the hospital they were so eager and kept on working. (and life rewarded them for that).
So I was pretty naive. I wanted to die during that period. I wished I had an accident. Or I hoped I got an heartattack which would have been pretty unlikely at that age. Furthermore even in this absurd scenario I would have likely survived it and got permanent damage because of it.
I mean a breakdown was obvious but that was just the inner logic of my mental illness. It is easy for me to say I would have prefered a physical breakdown. In many cases the consequences would have been less severe. Though not in all cases. Like getting a stroke and being diabled forever. I wish life would have given me another chance. But my mental illness is completely crippling. First I thought I got a second chance though I only switched from depression into mania which prolonged my torture.
I don't really have much to add. Currrently I don't have that many new ideas for threads. The pressure in college is very tormenting and I hope I will be able to prevent a relapse. I am scared to take so often that much addictive medication but my psychiatrist recommended that. And I have to admit 3 days ago I was very paranoid. It got less but it is not over. I also wake up too early which shows that I build a tolerance to the sleeping pills. During vacation I will try to live without them.
I was quite young and had no idea of mental illness and that it is widespread in our family. Also in other fictional series barely anyone got a mental illness because of working too hard. In the Japanese series I watched they died of Karoshi or had to be hospitalized and even in the hospital they were so eager and kept on working. (and life rewarded them for that).
So I was pretty naive. I wanted to die during that period. I wished I had an accident. Or I hoped I got an heartattack which would have been pretty unlikely at that age. Furthermore even in this absurd scenario I would have likely survived it and got permanent damage because of it.
I mean a breakdown was obvious but that was just the inner logic of my mental illness. It is easy for me to say I would have prefered a physical breakdown. In many cases the consequences would have been less severe. Though not in all cases. Like getting a stroke and being diabled forever. I wish life would have given me another chance. But my mental illness is completely crippling. First I thought I got a second chance though I only switched from depression into mania which prolonged my torture.
I don't really have much to add. Currrently I don't have that many new ideas for threads. The pressure in college is very tormenting and I hope I will be able to prevent a relapse. I am scared to take so often that much addictive medication but my psychiatrist recommended that. And I have to admit 3 days ago I was very paranoid. It got less but it is not over. I also wake up too early which shows that I build a tolerance to the sleeping pills. During vacation I will try to live without them.
