I always fuck up social interactions

[antivita]

I'm tired of being so incapable of talking to people. I had a meeting for a group project today and this one kid just really treated me like shit, dissing everything I tried to say and acting like I was an annoying moron. I'm offended and hurt but I also know that he's right. And now, for some reason, I feel that his dislike of me matters more than my dislike of him, so I can't even appreciate getting to be angry at someone for being rude. In my head everyone has the social upper hand, and I just view their opinion of me as more valid. The only thing that calmed me down from the small panic attack I had was reminding myself that "I'm going to kill myself. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters."

I know it's selfish and I would never do it in this way, but little things like that make me want to off myself immediately. Not to make them feel bad about how they treated me or whatever, because most people are perfectly nice and fine, but just to let other people know that I also hate myself. That I'm not just oblivious. I totally understand what I'm doing wrong socially and that I'm weird, but there's no way for me to tell people that without getting even more weird and way too personal. So killing myself would just be a way to tell people "I'm in on it! I get it! I'm more self-aware than you realized!"

 

[freefrommybody]

Interesting how I've thought the exact same things. I find that reminding myself that I'm going to be dead soon before and during stressful situations helps to give me the confidence and the calmness that I need to keep from screwing up as much in the first place.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I'm tired of being so incapable of talking to people. I had a meeting for a group project today and this one kid just really treated me like shit, dissing everything I tried to say and acting like I was an annoying moron. I'm offended and hurt but I also know that he's right. And now, for some reason, I feel that his dislike of me matters more than my dislike of him, so I can't even appreciate getting to be angry at someone for being rude. In my head everyone has the social upper hand, and I just view their opinion of me as more valid. The only thing that calmed me down from the small panic attack I had was reminding myself that "I'm going to kill myself. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters."

I know it's selfish and I would never do it in this way, but little things like that make me want to off myself immediately. Not to make them feel bad about how they treated me or whatever, because most people are perfectly nice and fine, but just to let other people know that I also hate myself. That I'm not just oblivious. I totally understand what I'm doing wrong socially and that I'm weird, but there's no way for me to tell people that without getting even more weird and way too personal. So killing myself would just be a way to tell people "I'm in on it! I get it! I'm more self-aware than you realized!"

I feel bad for you because it seems like you have no self worth and that is a huge thing now a days that it seems people are suffering from. Don't kill yourself to prove something to it her people. Have you ever thought about getting some help?

 

[almaranthine]

You know what, no, fuck that guy. I bet that he was that type of entitled dick that feeds his own ego by sensing vulnerability in others and crushing and belittling them.

 

[Moonicide]

Knowing I can end it at any given time now that I have the materials brings me so much comfort, so I understand where you're coming from. But it's so hard, it's so hard to not believe people and how they react towards you. This person doesn't know you. They don't know your heart, they don't know your thoughts, they don't know your soul. But we always hold on to the negative. We never really remember the nice things people have said to us, or anything relatively good. I am sorry this person was so terrible to you... Their actions reflect on them more than you, often people project as they are quite insecure and lack sense of self. I spent years being bullied in school and never understood why. There really wasn't a reason for it besides people being insecure and trying to destroy any bit of security or confidence someone else had. Because that made them feel better. That gave them purpose. How terrible is that?

 

[notjustyetagain]

wow, if you hadn't put it so eloquently this would be my first "could have been written by me" post. no offense intended.

what frustrates me most is the fact i openly, intimately know i'm shit/bad/wrong. i've always known... that implies that i know better -- but where is the evidence? i just keep bleating pathetic shit time after time, committing social suicide continuously. in day-to-day interactions, with my family and soon-to-be-ex-friends, on SS... everywhere i go. i never learn. it won't stop until i do, and is thus a major driver behind my suicidality.

i'm sorry that you're experiencing similar frustrations.