I almost like being angry.. sometimes..

[ohhgeeitsme]

It's strange. It's such an awful feeling, but it's one of the only times I don't feel so mentally anxious. My heart still pounds away and it feels terrible, but when I'm experiencing true anger and not just annoyance, I finally feel fearless. I, finally, don't give AF. Having awful anxiety 24/7, it hijacks my fight-or-flight response that is always set on flight and switches it to fight mode. It's oddly empowering and a relief from being so worried all the time. It's only sometimes though. Certain situations can cause both anger and heightened anxiety, like if I'm in an argument or something. That's no good. I feel like there is a word for the kind of anger I'm talking about ha. Of course, I'm very likely to do something I'll regret later in this state and I'm more likely to kill myself because my SI isn't as strong and I'm not worried about how it's going to affect other people, since I'm usually convinced no one actually gives a shit about me.

That being said, I don't experience this kind of anger much. I used to have somewhat of an anger problem when I was younger but I grew out of it. It was like it was replaced with crippling anxiety. Honestly, I prefer the anger. It may be uncomfortable and destructive and just total shit too but at least I'm more able to do something about it even if that something is simply killing myself. It's kind of sad that this chronic anxiety and depression has me seeing anger in rose-tinted glasses.. but I guess that's where I'm at.

 

[Sensei]

Maybe you should try martial arts? Then you can release your anger in a controlled way. Just a thought.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Maybe you should try martial arts? Then you can release your anger in a controlled way. Just a thought.

You know, that reminds me of the best rumor I've ever heard about myself. Apparently, some guy at my old job was telling people I was a master in jujutsu. I should have just went with it.

 

[Sensei]

You know, that reminds me of the best rumor I've ever heard about myself. Apparently, some guy at my old job was telling people I was a master in jujutsu. I should have just went with it.

That's a kick-ass rumour! It's not too late to make it come true. I don't know your life circumstances, but maybe you should give it a shot if you can? I practice a martial art myself, although I'm not particularly good at it, and when I practice, I forget everything else and feel zero anxiety. I think that if I could do it every day I wouldn't be here.

 

[262653]

Yes, I felt it too. It's oddly satisfying. I'm finally having the energy for things I'm driven to do. It's like burning alive and wielding the flames at the same time. It's empowering. I'd guess the emotion has to build up high enough to make a meaningful impact, but it feels unpleasant when the... firing potential isn't reached.

 

[DocNo]

It's strange. It's such an awful feeling, but it's one of the only times I don't feel so mentally anxious. My heart still pounds away and it feels terrible, but when I'm experiencing true anger and not just annoyance, I finally feel fearless. I, finally, don't give AF. Having awful anxiety 24/7, it hijacks my fight-or-flight response that is always set on flight and switches it to fight mode. It's oddly empowering and a relief from being so worried all the time. It's only sometimes though. Certain situations can cause both anger and heightened anxiety, like if I'm in an argument or something. That's no good. I feel like there is a word for the kind of anger I'm talking about ha. Of course, I'm very likely to do something I'll regret later in this state and I'm more likely to kill myself because my SI isn't as strong and I'm not worried about how it's going to affect other people, since I'm usually convinced no one actually gives a shit about me.

That being said, I don't experience this kind of anger much. I used to have somewhat of an anger problem when I was younger but I grew out of it. It was like it was replaced with crippling anxiety. Honestly, I prefer the anger. It may be uncomfortable and destructive and just total shit too but at least I'm more able to do something about it even if that something is simply killing myself. It's kind of sad that this chronic anxiety and depression has me seeing anger in rose-tinted glasses.. but I guess that's where I'm at.

i realized at some point that part of my massive feeling of embarrassment is coming from suppressed anger. i didn't even realize for a very long time that i am angry. and cause i always did see anger as something bad it seems that it transformed to be embarrassed so easily. i guess i just felt guilty to be angry and so it transformed.

and this feeling of embarrassment which did let me fear that i am too embarrassed to even talk in some situations or too start stuttering fed also anger (at myself) and anxiety cause i felt completely helpless. when i realized this it got better and the feeling of embarrassment got less. it's crazy how some things are connected and one bad feeling or a suppressed feeling feeds another.

i also know this situation when it gets too much. like a switch was turned in me and i very clearly but still politely showed a guy who was higher in hierarchy his boundaries and that it's wrong how he behaves. never had any problems with the guy ever.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

That's a kick-ass rumour! It's not too late to make it come true. I don't know your life circumstances, but maybe you should give it a shot if you can? I practice a martial art myself, although I'm not particularly good at it, and when I practice, I forget everything else and feel zero anxiety. I think that if I could do it every day I wouldn't be here.

It's definitely impossible right now, just with covid going on. It is something I should look into when that's over though. I hope it's not too weird for a 34 year old to be in a beginners class.

 

[Sensei]

It's definitely impossible right now, just with covid going on. It is something I should look into when that's over though. I hope it's not too weird for a 34 year old to be in a beginners class.

In my experience, people doing martial arts are welcoming and tolerant. I started praciticing when I was your age and nobody cared. Besides, I wasn't the only one in my 30s and there were a few who were older than me to. Do you have a particular martial art in mind?

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

i realized at some point that part of my massive feeling of embarrassment is coming from suppressed anger. i didn't even realize for a very long time that i am angry. and cause i always did see anger as something bad it seems that it transformed to be embarrassed so easily. i guess i just felt guilty to be angry and so it transformed.

and this feeling of embarrassment which did let me fear that i am too embarrassed to even talk in some situations or too start stuttering fed also anger (at myself) and anxiety cause i felt completely helpless. when i realized this it got better and the feeling of embarrassment got less. it's crazy how some things are connected and one bad feeling or a suppressed feeling feeds another.

i also know this situation when it gets too much. like a switch was turned in me and i very clearly but still politely showed a guy who was higher in hierarchy his boundaries and that it's wrong how he behaves. never had any problems with the guy ever.

I get that. I definitely have some suppressed anger in me, and I think I experience something of the same of what you're talking about.
The anger I'm referring to is more the acute and assertive kind I suppose. The one that makes you want to take action. Motivating in a sense.

In my experience, people doing martial arts are welcoming and tolerant. I started praciticing when I was your age and nobody cared. Besides, I wasn't the only one in my 30s and there were a few who were older than me to. Do you have a particular martial art in mind?

Not really, although as a woman, being able to not just defend myself but destroy an assailant would be comforting skills to have.

 

[WornOutLife]

when I'm experiencing true anger and not just annoyance, I finally feel fearless.

This is the best way to describe the feeling when you're angry, you simply feel fearless.
Been there many times. I felt powerful, invincible and insuperable but still, I don't like getting angry. Makes me more depressed a few hours later haha

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

This is the best way to describe the feeling when you're angry, you simply feel fearless.
Been there many times. I felt powerful, invincible and insuperable but still, I don't like getting angry. Makes me more depressed a few hours later haha

Same. It's not fun in and of itself, but I do prefer it over anxiety simply because of the elimination of fear and I'm just exhausted by constant fear. Anger is probably the hardest emotion to control though, and the most dangerous.

 

[abruptum]

Just wondering because it happens to me, but does your fearlessness every scare you sometimes. Like being overcome by rage and not having a limiter to hold you back?

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I believe that's what Snickers and Pepsis are for.

 

[Mentalmick]

I sometimes get angry when I'm cutting myself and it never has a happy ending.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Just wondering because it happens to me, but does your fearlessness every scare you sometimes. Like being overcome by rage and not having a limiter to hold you back?

Oh definitely. That's why I said I'm much more likely to do something I regret later and also more likely to kill myself. I'm strictly speaking anxiety vs anger, not that I enjoy just being angry. Both can make me want to kill myself, but at least with anger, it's much easier to go through with suicide because there isn't any fear. Sometimes though, anger doesn't make me want to kill myself, it actually makes me want to live because I get so fed up with being in that state and angry that the universe has put me in this position, so my stubbornness gets redirected to fighting because I'll feel like I don't deserve what I'm going through and I'll be damned if "they" win. That kind of thing. I have experienced extreme anger that is completely debilitating. You seriously can't focus on anything. You just want to destroy something. That's no good either. There is this certain amount of anger that I'm talking about. Not too little, and not too strong.. unless I want to die.. then that amount would help with that.

 

[Meditation guide]

I feel dangerous when I'm angry.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Hatred has become an inseparable part of me. Without hate, I would never have come this far. Prolonged illness tormented me to the point of despair, taking away my love for life. All that remained was a hatred for the circumstances that be. Hate roused me from a torpor of despondency, ceased my wallowing in self-pity and snuffed out the stubborn hope for a miracle. I am now resolved to end life on my own terms. No one is to tell me what I should or should not do. Without hate, it would never have dawned on me that I am the master of my fate and captain of my soul.

As the saying goes, you can choose your friends but not your family. I for one, did not choose to be stuck with a textbook example of a narcissist for a father, whose definition of a relationship is give and take. His defeatist attitude influenced me profoundly, that at one point I had the resignation of sheep to the slaughter. Hate made me challenge the beliefs that I had been indoctrinated for longer than I can remember, putting an end to my deep-seated religious guilt. With hate, the naïveté of my inner child has been transmuted into contempt for my fellow man, especially for those who claim to act 'in your best interests'. To quote Warhammer 40,000,

"My armor is contempt. My shield is disgust. My sword is hatred."

Hate is my way of life—to say that it helps me cope is an understatement. To let go of hatred is to be disarmed, and to be disarmed is to be enfeebled.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

i wish i had the ability to get angry like a normal person.. i guess because nothing shocks me anymore i just expect the worst from everyone...