Venting I almost CTB 2 nights ago

[Faraway1990]

A couple days ago I woke up thinking to myself

" today is the day, I'm going to CTB tonight" and I meant it I spent the day doing little things I enjoy one last time finishing up my letters gambling away most of my money since why not? I haven't done it for a long time lol anyway:

The love of my life for 14 years a lot has happened in that time we both acknowledge how much we care for the other but there are circumstances that have been preventing us from being together and that caused problems anyway last time we were talking we had a huge falling out over it I mean big so I lost her and whenever we aren't together no matter how much time passes I don't care about anything else my life has been shit except her and a couple good friends over the years.

It got late at night I started to drink alcohol while having everything ready to go night night and I'm sure you can guess lol I got a random friend request from her we didn't get to talk until yesterday I got a little mad because I was so close but I had to know what she wanted and I found out that the reason she did that is because she felt a huge Panic about messaging me because I was in trouble. I'm a spiritual being since I realized how strong our bond is I truly feel she is my "twin flame" I have many reasons I believe that but that's a different conversation.

Today:

So guys we've been talking I'm really split on what to do, I told her about what I was minutes away from doing ( I was just about to post a goodbye thread here and then ctb) and after a while the subject of me moving down there again came up and if I'm to go forward that's what I'm going to do but she's saying things like "I'm not making any promises." If I went down there and she ghosted me I'd regret not CTB but on the other hand maybe I'm over thinking and when I'm actually down there again she'll see the effort and we can go from there.


I apologize for the wall I just needed to vent. Thank you

 

[memento_mori]

if there's still hope go for it
there's nothing to lose
good luck!!

 

[Faraway1990]

if there's still hope go for it
there's nothing to lose
good luck!!

Thank you :)

 

[Faraway1990]

Sounds like you need to cure the mental illness, called love. It really does drive people, insane. Seriously. People have CTBed because of it, killed because of it, pretty much everything you can think of, because of it...

I don't agree with love being a mental illness but I appreciate the input I'm quite objective about it but it's a persistent connection we share with many synchronicitys and nothing could change my view point because of my life experience as you have had yours. Thank you for responding though my friend.
<3

 

[Jean Améry]

Sounds like you need to cure the mental illness, called love. It really does drive people, insane. Seriously. People have CTBed because of it, killed because of it, pretty much everything you can think of, because of it...

Sure. It also gives people a reason to live. What is 'sanity' according to you? I find it to be a useless, degrading label applied to people society dislikes for some reason.

 

[Jean Améry]

Sanity is living in the real world. Not in a fantasy one.

What is ultimately 'real' in this world of illusion and shadows? Subjective experiences are what they are: they're neither true nor false. Or delusional.

Falling in love is a biochemical process: seems real enough to me.

 

[Faraway1990]

I'm very objective about it despite how it may sound

Sanity is living in the real world. Not in a fantasy one.

Without her bond I would of killed myself when I was 15/16 I tried she came into my life i tried at life we have had our ups and downs but it's always been unconditional love. The real world? I've been homeless before I've seen the worst parts of this world but I choose not to let it makes me bitter I appreciate your views I agree with a lot of them but I've had my own life experience.

 

[dreamsofdestruction]

Sounds like you need to cure the mental illness, called love.

You know, there are certainly forms of it that could be classified as illness. But it's really sad to see that you've come to dismiss it entirely.

 

[Severen]

I'm very objective about it despite how it may sound


Without her bond I would of killed myself when I was 15/16 I tried she came into my life i tried at life we have had our ups and downs but it's always been unconditional love. The real world? I've been homeless before I've seen the worst parts of this world but I choose not to let it makes me bitter I appreciate your views I agree with a lot of them but I've had my own life experience.

I didn't mean to express that you know nothing about the real world or express you are someone who knows nothing etc. Anyway, I shouldn't have said anything. I only succeeded in annoying you, best case scenario. And didn't help you. My bad.

 

[barny]

It sounds like you want to give it a go. Id just be wary of thinking that someone can save you. Because when they let you down you just end up getting more hurt.

 

[CopyPK]

does anyone here, when caught up in their depression and just itching to ctb, ask themselves endlessly "is this fucking real life? is this really my life? " does anyone here spend most of their waking moments just putting themselves in the shoes of any and every human being that you see, including characters in movies or tv shows that have some degree of realism?

 

[GinaIsReady]

I would say that if you go for it once more with her, don't expect it to work out. With all respect, it seems that with the great love you two share, I have a feeling it would have already worked out if it was to be. In this lifetime, at least. Best wishes to you.

 

[Dartz]

If you need to vent, vent. If you need to take time, take time. If you've got a chance then you should go for it. Go for it, not like any of us here have much left to lose :)

 

[Faraway1990]

I would say that if you go for it once more with her, don't expect it to work out. With all respect, it seems that with the great love you two share, I have a feeling it would have already worked out if it was to be. In this lifetime, at least. Best wishes to you.

This is something that I've already considered, it's one of the many contributing factors in my choice to CTB, it's like a cruel joke, when I'm without her it's like nothing in this world interests me and believe me I've tried. But when she is in my life it's like all consuming fire in my entire being to be with her etc and then we separate and come back together like something taunting us both.

If you need to vent, vent. If you need to take time, take time. If you've got a chance then you should go for it. Go for it, not like any of us here have much left to lose :)

And for sure I have nothing left to lose CTB is still an option if and when it all gets pulled out from under me as I'm not going to go through that again.

It sounds like you want to give it a go. Id just be wary of thinking that someone can save you. Because when they let you down you just end up getting more hurt.

It's not about saving me what am I being saved from? I still live in this crazy world I'm perfectly comfortable with CTB just what I've experienced for 13 years when I'm around her (she admits it's the same for her) is worth sticking it out even just a few more months.