I almost always expect the worst is this rational?

[noname223]

I am a person with huge anxiety. I am so scared about my future. There are so many things that frighten me. I ruminate every single day. The sorrows are overwhelming me. There is this saying: "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst". Often when I talk with my parents they say I am ruminating way too much. I am almost every single day in a state of panic. I am so scared about so many developments which I barely can influence and problems I don't know how to solve.
There was this extremely smart person I once met in the clinic. The smartest guy I have ever met. He told me you can't predict life. Life can't be fully planned there often happen things you never ever thought of. He was kind of right. Many things happened I would never have expected. Also positive things.
I would have betted a lot of money against it.

Though it is also true that myself 10 years ago never would have imagined to experience this extreme pain and desperation. Like I would not even have known that people can experience pain in this extreme way I had to endure. It was unimaginable. Maybe my conclusion should be life is really kind of a surprising experience. I still think I have to kill myself. But I try to be more agnostic about some things. Like being 100% certain about things is not really rational.

I am often asking myself what a bias I currently have. Is it a negative or positive shift in thinking? My therapist is optimistic about my life. I think he thinks I am pretty savvy how to solve my problems and I am pretty good at handling it. It is true I am extremely disciplined and this is a real asset. Though it is true my illness usually proceeeds in circles and I prepare myself to kill myself in case the extreme psychosomatic pain returns. There are many variables which are quite hidden or unclear. They make it pretty hard to give a prediction. If I think about the past decade I am shocked what everything happened. Most of the time was pretty hellish. Though I think it was a very smart decision to start taking meds. Probably I could have avoided some of my pain if I took them earlier.

But if the past will repeat similarly I don't think I will survive for a long time. I think my dangerous behavior will increase the longer this better life-quality period holds on. I will become careless. I am smart enough to analyze that. I think if I make a big mistake like getting a new manic epsiode I probably kill myself, Or I will have to take a huge break. Like 1-3 years of not doing productive work. I think rationally the odds are clearly against me. But I should not lose hope fully. I am determined to fight till the bitter end. I have my limits and red lines. I am pretty anxious but I try to learn from my past mistakes. The pressure is insane. The pressure I am doing to myself is insane and inhuman. This stems from my abuse. Yeah my head is pretty fucked.

 

[FuneralCry]

After all we live in a world with so much suffering, and to me it is rational to expect the worst as things could actually get so much worse for any of us. There is no limit as to how bad things can get. I always expect the worst as well and I have so much dread for the future. Life is certainly terrifying. I'm sorry that you have to deal with so much anxiety.

 

[TheLastFemaphrodyke]

I am a person with huge anxiety. I am so scared about my future. There are so many things that frighten me. I ruminate every single day. The sorrows are overwhelming me. There is this saying: "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst". Often when I talk with my parents they say I am ruminating way too much. I am almost every single day in a state of panic. I am so scared about so many developments which I barely can influence and problems I don't know how to solve.
There was this extremely smart person I once met in the clinic. The smartest guy I have ever met. He told me you can't predict life. Life can't be fully planned there often happen things you never ever thought of. He was kind of right. Many things happened I would never have expected. Also positive things.
I would have betted a lot of money against it.

Though it is also true that myself 10 years ago never would have imagined to experience this extreme pain and desperation. Like I would not even have known that people can experience pain in this extreme way I had to endure. It was unimaginable. Maybe my conclusion should be life is really kind of a surprising experience. I still think I have to kill myself. But I try to be more agnostic about some things. Like being 100% certain about things is not really rational.

I am often asking myself what a bias I currently have. Is it a negative or positive shift in thinking? My therapist is optimistic about my life. I think he thinks I am pretty savvy how to solve my problems and I am pretty good at handling it. It is true I am extremely disciplined and this is a real asset. Though it is true my illness usually proceeeds in circles and I prepare myself to kill myself in case the extreme psychosomatic pain returns. There are many variables which are quite hidden or unclear. They make it pretty hard to give a prediction. If I think about the past decade I am shocked what everything happened. Most of the time was pretty hellish. Though I think it was a very smart decision to start taking meds. Probably I could have avoided some of my pain if I took them earlier.

But if the past will repeat similarly I don't think I will survive for a long time. I think my dangerous behavior will increase the longer this better life-quality period holds on. I will become careless. I am smart enough to analyze that. I think if I make a big mistake like getting a new manic epsiode I probably kill myself, Or I will have to take a huge break. Like 1-3 years of not doing productive work. I think rationally the odds are clearly against me. But I should not lose hope fully. I am determined to fight till the bitter end. I have my limits and red lines. I am pretty anxious but I try to learn from my past mistakes. The pressure is insane. The pressure I am doing to myself is insane and inhuman. This stems from my abuse. Yeah my head is pretty fucked.

This is gonna sound kinda weird, but how are your teeth? Seriously. I cracked a tooth three years ago and got the dollar store stuff that is like a temporary filling and used that. About a year ago, I started feeling a little jumpier than normal, I have severe ptsd from early childhood and several times since, but things just started to happen and I just started feeling jumpier. About 8 months ago on person that threatened my life and made my life a living hell for over 15 years died and my jumpiness got worse. Okay, I thought, ptsd often does that and the fact she is dead, might be bringing this on. Six months ago the man I have been hiding from for over 17 years because he tried to kill me three times, tortured and killed one of my cats and tortured another, he died. I began tremoring and could not stop. The ONLY way I cold keep myself calm and not like a total earthquake was going on was to take THC capsules, 40mg, every three hours, which is very exspensive. A month and a half ago, that cracked tooth, broke while eating popcorn at the movies. Turned out I needed a root canal. Two weeks ago I had that root canal. Within four days my tremors completely stopped and the jumpiness has ceased. I really thought I wad going crazy and would NEVER feel sane again, that is how bad my jumpiness and anxiety and actual physical tremoring, I could NOT write, not even sign my name and now I can draw again and am hardly taking any medication. 50mg to sleep at night and that is basically it, really nothing during the day unless I know I am going out in public and then I take some as a preventative. But seriously, I was in such pain and did not even realize it that my entire body was reacting. I thought I was loosing my mind, I thought I was having severe ptsd and within days of having my infection cleared up and a root canal done, suddenly, I feel almost human again.
....just a thought....

 

[CrazyMary]

yep it´s common for us with mental millnes. i have the same issue and after a couple of a hours i calm down.

 

[Celerity]

If your life has sucked ass, you're damn right to expect the worst.

Endless positivity isn't any more rational than relentless pessimism.

 

[wait.what]

I thought I was having severe ptsd and within days of having my infection cleared up and a root canal done, suddenly, I feel almost human again.

You make an excellent point . . . the line between physical and psychiatric illness is entirely imaginary. The brain is a body part, after all. If an illness can affect your kidneys, your eyes, your stomach, or your skin, it can most certainly affect your brain.

If your life has sucked ass, you're damn right to expect the worst.

Endless positivity isn't any more rational than relentless pessimism.

Also entirely true. The world of "mental health" starts to become disturbing when someone keeps insisting that you shouldn't trust your own perceptions. "Ignore what your eyes and ears tell you. Believe my words instead," says the mental health clinician who most certainly isn't creepy af.

 

[hellispink]

It is rational. The world is full of injustice, social issues, abusers, criminals and government officials wasting stolen money. What can one expect from a trash world like this one? It is just suffering all over.