Venting I admitted to my mother that I don't care about anyone else but me anymore

[ecmnesia]

I feel horrible for being like this. I hate that I care for nothing but what makes me comfortable. I hate that I am not up to use my time and effort for the sake of others. It's not morally acceptable, but it's how I feel.

I completely lost it today over a stupid thing, out of nowhere my parents wanted me to go to the doctor with my grandparent, and i just didn't want to. I don't have any good excuse, i didn't want to, i felt coerced to do it, and i couldn't stop complaining about it.

maybe it's a fact, i am horrible, egocentric and selfish, but i can't help it, it's who i am, who i want to be. I don't want to do things, no matter for who, that i don't feel like doing. I want to do what I want, no matter how bad and selfish that is. but why can't I stop feeling bad for not wanting to be better? I feel sorry for those who are in pain, but not the point where I am up to sacrifice my own interest to help them. I don't want to help at home just because people want me to. I want to do things when i feel comfortable, without being coerced or shamed for not attending to their wishes.

I know they can't stand my complaints anymore. but what else am I supposed to do to show how unsatisfied i am?

I am so conflicted about this. torn between living for myself and others. If I live for myself I am a bad person. But if I live for others i feel like I am not being fair and honest to myself and others. Why should I hide how low and selfish I am? Why should I pretend something I do not feel?

There is no excuse for my behavior i guess, even though I wanted to hear that i am not bad because of it. Perhaps there is no way to run from it. I am bad, i am selfish. I just need to accept this, cause this inner conflict is torning me.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Everyone lives for themselves and cares primarily about themselves. Even when we want to help others, we are doing that in order to feel better about ourselves. Nobody should put others first. You are in no way worse than anyone else, believe me.

 

[KleinerWolf]

I can only speak for myself and this should say a lot about myself but
I've been at a low point especially the last two years that I no longer exert energy for my family.

Simply because things have fallen apart and I just don't care anymore.

Everyone lives for themselves and cares primarily about themselves. Even when we want to help others, we are doing that in order to feel better about ourselves. Nobody should put others first. You are in no way worse than anyone else, believe me.

It's important to be self-sufficient first before we help others.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I could be wrong, but in your culture, wouldn't a male be allowed to feel as you do, to act as you are? Is it morally wrong, or is it that you're not acting according to the rules the cultural hierarchy assigned to your gender and your role?

Enabling is safer than complaining, so when someone complains, I think enabling is often expressed as: "If I and everyone else has to take shit, why shouldn't you? Do you think you're special?"

My family is not Latino/Central American/South American, but they might as well have been. I grew up with very similar gender role expectations and "moral" shaming, and I fought it the whole way. It's fucking nuts.

 

[ecmnesia]

Is it morally wrong, or is it that you're not acting according to the rules the cultural hierarchy assigned to your gender and your role?

haven't thought about it before, but it is for sure a major reason why this happens.

i perceive this 'i had to so why wouldn't you' all the time here at home. my parents, specially my mother, feels obligated to do a lot of things she actually is completely against. although my father, because of the way he was raised acts the same towards a few things. i saw her complying many times to things she despised. she can't stand my father, is always complaining about him, yet when in his presence, she acts sweetly as if nothing was bothering her.

this mentality was passed to me and my brothers, and it's deeply engraved in the way we behave. although my brothers are expected to do a lot of things, it's kind of different with me. while they have autonomy to leave the house whenever, and go out with friends i always have to go through an interrogation to do so. i am expected to always be subservient and at disposal.

there is also the fact that I've questioned the way things are here, and they usually don't. but i don't thing it possible to deny that gender is indeed a major factor.

if my brothers do so, they are expressing themselves, being masculine. on the other hand, I'm selfish and despicable.

 

[LooksAtMoonDog]

Honestly, I'm more likely to go out of my way for a stray cat than most people I know. If I do something for someone it's most likely to repay something they did for me in the past, or with the expectation they will repay me in the future, and I'm very selective in the latter case. I'm not open to being exploited and I don't exploit other people, I guess that's my "code" if I have one.