hygiene is in the gutter

[finish.me]

i dealt with depression from a pretty early age, 5th grade and onward, and i sometimes think i never really caught on to the whole taking care of yourself thing. i did the bare minimum back then because i didn't have a reason to try any harder than just putting on deodorant in the morning and wearing a uniform to school. when i'm in better moods im pretty capable, i can clean a little, i can brush my teeth, etc. but brushing my hair/taking care of my skin or wearing the right clothes or bathing frequently enough never set in because the symptoms of being suicidal from that early on have just become, habits? shit cleanliness. shit social skills. shit energy, regardless of how well im feeling. this is a huge tmi but my bathroom is disgusting right now. i dont have even the slightest motivation to clean it. i get tired just thinking about it so (tmi again) i've been pissing in the sink and using my parents bathroom to shit. i can't. fucking. take care of myself. i think its because im very disgusted with my body and having to face it, and also just the human body itself is deeply nasty to me? isnt that weird?? i hate cleaning because i hate dirt and grime, which is something that can literally get rid of by cleaning. but theres no energy. i can't clean consistently. i get random manic episodes where i clean everything in sight and tell myself ok great! this time, i just have to pick up little things and clean shit when i'm done with it so it's nicely maintained. and then not even three or four days later i'm living in trash.. im gonna be moving in with my boyfriend soon and this is something that i find absolutely repulsive about myself. im hopeful things will be different because the enviornment ill be living in wont be scary and abusive but i dont know. i want to be clean i desperately want to feel clean i want to have a clean living space and clean skin and hair!! i hate this

 

[again_noidea]

It is a difficult thing. Depression makes it even harder, but when you do other things, like meeting people or eating you should have the theoretical energy to clean your bathroom. it is a vicious cycle, you don't clean because you are depressed, and you get more depressed because it is dirty. There are studies that show that living with bad smell makes you more depressed. i found, that nobody taught me how to clean properly in my childhood, and that was one of the reasons why i had a hard time cleaning. i had to learn the simple skills of cleaning via yt. Once I knew how to properly go about it, i got better at maintaining it beyond the manic cleaning sessions.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

I feel you. It's one symptom of depression that is hard to hide and elicts disgust from so many people. It's very embarrassing and it doesn't even make you feel that much better like some other negative coping skills do. For me I would get those urges to clean whenever someone made fun of me for being frumpy/gross/smelly. I'd be super obsessed on that one thing and eventually I got so obsessed that I became gross again. Either because the excessive hygiene made me neglect other things or my obsession would cause me problems (e.g. putting so much crap on my face to get rid of dirt/acne that i'd get allergic reactions)

If you have a boyfriend I bet your social skills aren't that bad! also you said you've been able to take care of yourself before, but struggle at other times. That proves that you have insight into this behavior and that you can combat it. Hopefully with a change in environment it can be a more consistent change in your life. Sometimes that sense of comfort is all we need to get ourselves back on track

Whats the most basic cleaning skill that you have rn that you do every day? Like do you brush your teeth, wash your hands after using the toilet, etc? It's good to start at a very basic level like brushing your teeth. Having a skin care or hair regimen really doesnt matter tbh and if you are struggling with the first step of shower consistently, it's not worth beating yourself up over it. It's ok to just progress one step at a time. But if having a nice facial cleanser to use could help motivate you to get up and shower, definitely try it!

also why are you using the sink to pee? Is your toilet functional? has it broken down, or is it excessively dirty, etc... & what do you mean by living in trash very quickly after cleaning? Is it just some grime in places, or are your living areas getting filled up with stuff?

 

[finish.me]

I feel you. It's one symptom of depression that is hard to hide and elicts disgust from so many people. It's very embarrassing and it doesn't even make you feel that much better like some other negative coping skills do. For me I would get those urges to clean whenever someone made fun of me for being frumpy/gross/smelly. I'd be super obsessed on that one thing and eventually I got so obsessed that I became gross again. Either because the excessive hygiene made me neglect other things or my obsession would cause me problems (e.g. putting so much crap on my face to get rid of dirt/acne that i'd get allergic reactions)

If you have a boyfriend I bet your social skills aren't that bad! also you said you've been able to take care of yourself before, but struggle at other times. That proves that you have insight into this behavior and that you can combat it. Hopefully with a change in environment it can be a more consistent change in your life. Sometimes that sense of comfort is all we need to get ourselves back on track

Whats the most basic cleaning skill that you have rn that you do every day? Like do you brush your teeth, wash your hands after using the toilet, etc? It's good to start at a very basic level like brushing your teeth. Having a skin care or hair regimen really doesnt matter tbh and if you are struggling with the first step of shower consistently, it's not worth beating yourself up over it. It's ok to just progress one step at a time. But if having a nice facial cleanser to use could help motivate you to get up and shower, definitely try it!

also why are you using the sink to pee? Is your toilet functional? has it broken down, or is it excessively dirty, etc... & what do you mean by living in trash very quickly after cleaning? Is it just some grime in places, or are your living areas getting filled up with stuff?

im definitely lucky to able to recognize it, you're right, it's something i can combat. right now all ive really been doing is showering sporadically, and ive always washed my hands (one of the only things that have really stuck with me). i haven't really been brushing my teeth or doing my hair, i haven't washed most of my clothes in over a month. idk. i dont know why my brain makes it so hard. also, we have two bathrooms in the house, the one upstairs near my room is mine and ive been using the sink to pee because i don't want to get near my toilet. to be honest, it's not that bad, it would be good as new if i could bare to dedicate like a couple minutes of atttention to it.. im just so fucking down and i don't even care. i can't use my parents bathroom bc i pee a lot and it would be annoying if i came down there too often, and i dont want them to suspect anything was up. everytime i've used their toilet it's been when they weren't home. and i mean, i clean, then it gets super cluttered because my entire routine right now is wake up, get breakfast, sit in my room all day and eventually pass out either from just being tired or drinking. my whole life right now is ridiculously parasitic and..awful. i don't want it to follow me when i finally get out of here

 

[FuneralCry]

These types of tasks can be torture and I have to force myself to do them, it can be very tiring. Sorry you are going through this, I wish you well.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

My only advice is stop peeing in sink. It is a way to make you feel even more shitty and fucked up or somehow express your anger. I hear you that the toilet is dirty. Just clean it. Start a new routine of peeing where you are supposed to. It will be one less thing to feel shitty about.

I relate to this specific issue and this is just my opinon.

I'm really sorry to hear shit is so dark.

 

[finish.me]

My only advice is stop peeing in sink. It is a way to make you feel even more shitty and fucked up or somehow express your anger. I hear you that the toilet is dirty. Just clean it. Start a new routine of peeing where you are supposed to. It will be one less thing to feel shitty about.

I relate to this specific issue and this is just my opinon.

I'm really sorry to hear shit is so dark.

youre right lol i would feel better if i just did it. i would immediately fixate on something else to want to die over but at least it wouldnt be about something that makes me feel gross and dirty lol. thank you i think i literally just needed to hear someone telling me to just get it over with