Husband left me - I don't know if I really want to die but the urge is so strong

[mdying]

I've dealt with depression since I was 12, but had good years in between, pretty bad ones, but once I hit my 20's things seemed to get better. I met my husband when I was 24 and we had an amazing relationship been together for 9 years now I am 33 got married and had my son, the last two years of our marriage were pure hell because I got so resentful and depressed, I even cheated on him, he took me back but I was so numb had no emotions and felt so depressed with him, I blamed it all on him when it was all me. He is the most caring and amazing husband you could wish for, he works so hard for us. I pushed him to have a second child which he agreed to hoping that it would "bring me back", I got pregnant with twins and I am now 5 months pregnant. He's fought so hard for our relationship the past two years but eventually couldn't take it anymore and said he does not love me anymore and needs to be happy again, this was 5 weeks ago. ALL my life I have dreamed of having a family a husband, and I had that the perfect family and I ruined it, I ruined it and I will never forgive myself for it, we still live together and I've fallen into the deepest depression over the past 5 weeks, unable to leave my bed. Sometimes he makes remarks when I beg and plead that maybe in a few years we will find back together. because we have only been intimate about 3 times in the last 2 years he is also feeling so rejected and has started texting a friend of his he met again and they text each other flirting, he keeps telling me that that has nothing to do with why we didn't work out and that it just feels nice to finally get some attention.

The moment he broke up all my feelings for him came rushing back, I never ever believed we would separate I knew I just had to make it through this rough patch, but it was too long for him and he fell out of love. I feel like dying every single day, my friends say they will come by and talk to me and text me sometimes, but it feels 1000 times worse having someone around. The worst thing is we share kids and will do 50/50 custody so I will constantly see him and him falling in love again, and someone else being so lucky to have such an amazing husband while I cannot even imagine ever loving someone like him and will probably die alone. People say that I have so much to live for, in particular my kids, I love my son and I am sure I will love the twins but I also moved countries to be with my husband he has tons of friends and goes out and seems generally so happy now, while I don't even want to make friends, I literally just want to be with him, and when we were together I didn't feel as dependent on him, i didn't realize how dependent I was. My son is 3 and the twins not even born, soon enough they will call someone else mom and not even make a distinction between us, in all honesty as fucked up as I am they will probably have a much better relationship with whoever my husband ends up with.

I've lost my mother, I've gone through years of hell with an eating disorder as a teenager, but this pain feels worse than anything I have ever experienced. People keep saying it gets better but honestly every day just gets worse. I do not want to live a miserable and sad life without him, I think if he were an asshole that left me I would be able to cope better but knowing that it was ME who ruined everything. I would never hurt myself pregnant, despite these urges, i have no interest in going into an inpatient facility because when I come out I'd probably be hit even worse with reality. But I made a plan that if he really didn't want to reconcile by the time the twins are born and maybe a month or two (which is when he said he would move out, he promised to stay until then) he's being supportive telling me he wants to do everything for me to get better but also feels suffocated when I press him about the future, saying he wants to be single now and who knows. I don't know how much longer I can live in this pain, my doctor put me on 40mg prozac and 0.5 klonopin for anxiety once a day but that's not even helping anymore and I am afraid I will get addicted. they say it's ok to take it in pregnancy since my depression has been so severe. I AM SO LOST AND BROKEN AND THE ONLY REASON I AM HOLDING ON TO LIFE IS THAT I HOPE HE WILL COME BACK. I've been miserable my whole life until i finally had a family and then i screwed up my only happiness.


'

 

[EddieAllenPoe]

Ouch. I'm sorry you're going through this. There was a time I went through divorce. It was painful. It's not quite the same scenario but I remember how much it hurt. The person you used to love and be best friends with is suddenly gone from your life. Everything feels dark and empty. Holidays are brutal. It hurts a lot too when you see them moving on to someone else. I never had kids of my own, so I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. Reminds me of that saying... Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? I know this is cliche, but it is true... It does get better. It's like being physically wounded. There's a long period where stuff doesn't feel right. You hurt like hell. But you do heal. I sometimes wish I was still with my ex-wife. She cheated on me. Wasn't really my choice. I look at her now from a distance and I'm kind of happy for her. It's messed up, but it seems it was for the better. I've actually dated a few people after her. Those were some crazy rebound relationships and I think I was still kind of messed up from the original divorce. Honestly, sometimes, I wish I was still with one of them but... Life sucks sometimes. I honestly feel like it wasn't so bad in retrospect. Would I do it again? Maybe. I don't know... I can feel your pain. I know how much it sucks. Don't lose heart.

 

[Kyrok]

When you cheated on him, that was the end of your marriage. Everything since then was living in denial of that. There is no getting back together. Explore why you cheated with a therapist. Then, eventually, you may be able to move forward.

 

[xiaomingdie]

Your son will be sad if he loses mother

 

[Elfy]

I am so sorry to hear that. You did not destroy the relationship by being a bad person. Sounds like you were just depressed. Depression can make you a different person. Try to forgive yourself. You sound like it is not from a lack of love. I feel the same way. I have a great man too but I just cannot give him what he deserves. Hormones can drive you crazy as well. Try to forgive yourself... Do you have a therapist you can talk too?

 

[mdying]

Thank you so much for replying it means a lot to me. I don't know if I will go through with my plan, I'm still a few months away from it and I have not ordered the N yet but have reached out to A about the logistics. I am way to afraid to go any other way. My dad is 80 and has always been so supportive, he's very sick so I feel immense guilt about what it would be like for him, although I know he won't be around much longer. I also feel guilty knowing what it might do to my kids, but I bet it's better than having a fucked up mother like this. What if I still feel this pain in years from now. What if it never gets better. He also still slept with me today I think he's trying to see if something can ever come back but he's also talking to other women
I do not it's not helping much I am going to switch therapists I think
I did explore that with a therapist a lot and I don't think it always means the end of a marriage. I know plenty of people who made it though that and have a stronger bond now because they chose to forgive and build a stronger relationship.,I was sexually assaulted months before the cheating and it was like I was trying to self sabotage and trying to prove that I'm just a worthless piece of shit, I felt so much shame and fear I thought he would leave me anyways if i told him so subconsciously I was trying to maybe have him leave. I told him right away., I felt like a slut and did something to confirm that to self sabotage even more. I regretted it deeply and have told my husband every day since that it was the biggest mistake I've ever made and he forgave me but I never told him about the assault until now. The reason he fell out of love is a combination of all that but I'm not giving up on my marriage yet. It's very one sided to say cheating always ends a marriage no matter what. Sometimes it's a bit more complex..but thanks for making me feel even more guilty.

 

[xiaomingdie]

You may marry a Chinese man. Chinese men are kind

 

[mdying]

Thank you so much for replying it means a lot to me. I don't know if I will go through with my plan, I'm still a few months away from it and I have not ordered the N yet but have reached out to A about the logistics. I am way to afraid to go any other way. My dad is 80 and has always been so supportive, he's very sick so I feel immense guilt about what it would be like for him, although I know he won't be around much longer. I also feel guilty knowing what it might do to my kids, but I bet it's better than having a fucked up mother like this. What if I still feel this pain in years from now. What if it never gets better. He also still slept with me today I think he's trying to see if something can ever come back but he's also talking to other women. I do see a therapist but it's not helping much anymore, I am going to switch therapists I think.

to who wrote that everything after was denial: I did explore that with a therapist a lot and I don't think it always means the end of a marriage. I know plenty of people who made it though that and have a stronger bond now because they chose to forgive and build a stronger relationship.,I was sexually assaulted months before the cheating and it was like I was trying to self sabotage and trying to prove that I'm just a worthless piece of shit, I felt so much shame and fear I thought he would leave me anyways if i told him so subconsciously I was trying to maybe have him leave. I told him right away., I felt like a slut and did something to confirm that to self sabotage even more. I regretted it deeply and have told my husband every day since that it was the biggest mistake I've ever made and he forgave me but I never told him about the assault until now. The reason he fell out of love is a combination of all that but I'm not giving up on my marriage yet. It's very one sided to say cheating always ends a marriage no matter what. Sometimes it's a bit more complex..but thanks for making me feel even more guilty.

You may marry a Chinese man. Chinese men are kind

Lol

 

[EddieAllenPoe]

I know this is stressful so I hope you don't take what I'm about to say in the wrong way. I think it's interesting that I read your original post and seemed to have overlooked that you said you cheated on him.

As a man who was once married to a woman that cheated on me I have a unique perspective. I agree with what @Kyrok said in that your marriage was over the second this happened. Cheating is selfish behavior and there is no excuse for it. Period. There is nothing that makes a man more angry than finding out his wife was unfaithful. Does your husband know? Because I think you might have to accept the reality he won't forgive this. He shouldn't be expected to.

That being said though, It's also true that nobody is perfect. I don't think you can find perfect people on this planet, and so I don't think you're going to find you can have a perfect family. It took me years to forgive my ex-wife for what she did but I have. In my case, I struggled to save the marriage and she continued to cheat up to three times before I was willing to ask for a divorce. I probably should have let her go sooner.

I do, however, still think it's possible to restart the marriage and the relationship but you would have to acknowledge what you did was wrong. You would also have to accept the fact that he may refuse to join you. If you can't do this then you will never understand what marriage means in the first place. Marriage is a co-equal responsibility. It demands both people are faithful. Imagine if he was the one that cheated on you. Do you think that would be fair to you? It takes maturity to see this. He would honestly have to be a good man to put up with what you had done. It is still possible he might. But if you don't take your part in the marriage seriously, then you have no business pretending you should be married.

It's also not the end of the world if your marriage is over. It may feel like it, but you can survive without him. Your children need you and I hope you can stay committed to your responsibility as a mother. Adults may learn to accept their losses, but a child may never heal from the premature loss of their parent. I know it may seem tempting to wish for death because it seems like an easy way out. But if you died it would devastate your children. I hope you can see why.

 

[Jolene40]

When you cheated on him, that was the end of your marriage. Everything since then was living in denial of that. There is no getting back together. Explore why you cheated with a therapist. Then, eventually, you may be able to move forward.

Not helpful imo
I imagine you are romanticising quite a bit here. I did the same. Only once i got through the haze and could see more clearly did i realise that there were faults on both sides. You are so anxious depressed and afraid now you are without him you are thinking he was perfect. I imagine he really wasn't at all. I don't believe you would have cheated if everything was right for you. I know we can all do crazy things when depressed but im not convinced this is a case of you just feeling depressed and then cheating on Mr perfect because of depression.
Because his ego was hurt by the cheating ive no doubt he will 'punish' you for this which will further upset your mental health. Telling you about the friend he is texting for example.
Being pregnant was so hard for me anxiety wise and your hormones must be all over the place. I really feel like i know how you feel.
If you can afford to can you go speak to a therapist as much as possible and just keep talking to them until you get through this acute period. Plenty of people have taken anti depressants or some form of drug to help anxiety during pregnancy.
I imagine being pregnant is making things a hundred times worse for you mentally.

Thank you so much for replying it means a lot to me. I don't know if I will go through with my plan, I'm still a few months away from it and I have not ordered the N yet but have reached out to A about the logistics. I am way to afraid to go any other way. My dad is 80 and has always been so supportive, he's very sick so I feel immense guilt about what it would be like for him, although I know he won't be around much longer. I also feel guilty knowing what it might do to my kids, but I bet it's better than having a fucked up mother like this. What if I still feel this pain in years from now. What if it never gets better. He also still slept with me today I think he's trying to see if something can ever come back but he's also talking to other women
I do not it's not helping much I am going to switch therapists I think
I did explore that with a therapist a lot and I don't think it always means the end of a marriage. I know plenty of people who made it though that and have a stronger bond now because they chose to forgive and build a stronger relationship.,I was sexually assaulted months before the cheating and it was like I was trying to self sabotage and trying to prove that I'm just a worthless piece of shit, I felt so much shame and fear I thought he would leave me anyways if i told him so subconsciously I was trying to maybe have him leave. I told him right away., I felt like a slut and did something to confirm that to self sabotage even more. I regretted it deeply and have told my husband every day since that it was the biggest mistake I've ever made and he forgave me but I never told him about the assault until now. The reason he fell out of love is a combination of all that but I'm not giving up on my marriage yet. It's very one sided to say cheating always ends a marriage no matter what. Sometimes it's a bit more complex..but thanks for making me feel even more guilty.

I really really wouldnt sleep with him. This is a sweeping generalisation but its much easier for guys to detach on this one but for women it is not so much and your feelings and emotions will be in turmoil afterwards. He is probably just enjoying the sex and won't say no. This is so hard i know but he does not love you anymore so his feelings and viewpoint are completely different to yours.
You think he was the be all and end all because of how low and afraid you feel - plus being pregnant. Talk it to death with rhe therapist. If the meds are new, give them time to kick in. I had a wonderful few years on AD meds and wish id never stopped them. Took 6 weeks to kick in.
I hope you have someone close. If you dont, use the therapist.

 

[GeorgeJL]

I've dealt with depression since I was 12, but had good years in between, pretty bad ones, but once I hit my 20's things seemed to get better. I met my husband when I was 24 and we had an amazing relationship been together for 9 years now I am 33 got married and had my son, the last two years of our marriage were pure hell because I got so resentful and depressed, I even cheated on him, he took me back but I was so numb had no emotions and felt so depressed with him, I blamed it all on him when it was all me. He is the most caring and amazing husband you could wish for, he works so hard for us. I pushed him to have a second child which he agreed to hoping that it would "bring me back", I got pregnant with twins and I am now 5 months pregnant. He's fought so hard for our relationship the past two years but eventually couldn't take it anymore and said he does not love me anymore and needs to be happy again, this was 5 weeks ago. ALL my life I have dreamed of having a family a husband, and I had that the perfect family and I ruined it, I ruined it and I will never forgive myself for it, we still live together and I've fallen into the deepest depression over the past 5 weeks, unable to leave my bed. Sometimes he makes remarks when I beg and plead that maybe in a few years we will find back together. because we have only been intimate about 3 times in the last 2 years he is also feeling so rejected and has started texting a friend of his he met again and they text each other flirting, he keeps telling me that that has nothing to do with why we didn't work out and that it just feels nice to finally get some attention.

The moment he broke up all my feelings for him came rushing back, I never ever believed we would separate I knew I just had to make it through this rough patch, but it was too long for him and he fell out of love. I feel like dying every single day, my friends say they will come by and talk to me and text me sometimes, but it feels 1000 times worse having someone around. The worst thing is we share kids and will do 50/50 custody so I will constantly see him and him falling in love again, and someone else being so lucky to have such an amazing husband while I cannot even imagine ever loving someone like him and will probably die alone. People say that I have so much to live for, in particular my kids, I love my son and I am sure I will love the twins but I also moved countries to be with my husband he has tons of friends and goes out and seems generally so happy now, while I don't even want to make friends, I literally just want to be with him, and when we were together I didn't feel as dependent on him, i didn't realize how dependent I was. My son is 3 and the twins not even born, soon enough they will call someone else mom and not even make a distinction between us, in all honesty as fucked up as I am they will probably have a much better relationship with whoever my husband ends up with.

I've lost my mother, I've gone through years of hell with an eating disorder as a teenager, but this pain feels worse than anything I have ever experienced. People keep saying it gets better but honestly every day just gets worse. I do not want to live a miserable and sad life without him, I think if he were an asshole that left me I would be able to cope better but knowing that it was ME who ruined everything. I would never hurt myself pregnant, despite these urges, i have no interest in going into an inpatient facility because when I come out I'd probably be hit even worse with reality. But I made a plan that if he really didn't want to reconcile by the time the twins are born and maybe a month or two (which is when he said he would move out, he promised to stay until then) he's being supportive telling me he wants to do everything for me to get better but also feels suffocated when I press him about the future, saying he wants to be single now and who knows. I don't know how much longer I can live in this pain, my doctor put me on 40mg prozac and 0.5 klonopin for anxiety once a day but that's not even helping anymore and I am afraid I will get addicted. they say it's ok to take it in pregnancy since my depression has been so severe. I AM SO LOST AND BROKEN AND THE ONLY REASON I AM HOLDING ON TO LIFE IS THAT I HOPE HE WILL COME BACK. I've been miserable my whole life until i finally had a family and then i screwed up my only happiness.


'

I am pro-choice when it comes to suicide but I won't advise someone to end it if they have children. Sweetheart you need to find yourself a husband, you need to get over this guy and find yourself someone else. There are plenty of good great guys out there. You just have to open up to them. And not push them away like you did this guy.

 

[Jolene40]

I am pro-choice when it comes to suicide but I won't advise someone to end it if they have children. Sweetheart you need to find yourself a husband, you need to get over this guy and find yourself someone else. There are plenty of good great guys out there. You just have to open up to them. And not push them away like you did this guy.

Agree with George. There will be plenty other guys for you. You are romanticising to a huge extent i am sure of it. You need to just get through this awful stage and dont worry about addiction- just give the meds a chance and keep trying. I took rejection from my ex very very badly as i was with new baby, I was very anxious at the time and i was getting physically unwell. I said things almost identical to you! ' I ruined it, he was perfect etc etc'. Ex also was happy to instigate intimacy even though someone else was on the scene. I didn't partake. Not something a wonderful caring person does; its just using you. Probably pretty chuffed he is getting some after so long but it sounds like that's as deep as it goes.
Once the cloud lifted I realised how much at fault my ex also was. Yes i was the 'nutty' one and i did alot to drive him away but in reality it wasn't all me and it wasn't right for whatever reason. I got through that and it was only poor physical health that has made life intolerable for me now.
Your ex suggesting there may be hope to come together again in the future is also identical to what my ex said. It is just to soften the blow and to keep you attached and hanging to some extent. He is only human and has had his ego seriously battered so now he is out of love he is in absolute selfish mode.
You remind me of me about 8 years ago. Im single now due to such poor health.

Staying friends if possible will prob help alot. Apologise for what has gone before and take full responsibility but don't keep beating yourself up or pleading with him. Appeal to him as a friend to support you.
Please stop sleeping with him. It will make you a million times worse xx

 

[ThisIsTheLastNight]

I even cheated on him

Sounds hard but I do not feel sorry for you. You could have previously thought of what that does before you have let you f* from another man. You did not care about him at the moment when you spread your legs. You have done the worst to him what you can do to a person. To be betrayed by someone you love is the worst feeling there is.

 

[AmbleNorth]

Your ex suggesting there may be hope to come together again in the future is also identical to what my ex said. It is just to soften the blow and to keep you attached and hanging to some extent. He is only human and has had his ego seriously battered so now he is out of love he is in absolute selfish mode.

If leaving a relationship after being cheated on is "selfish", I might be more out of my mind that I thought.

 

[Jolene40]

If leaving a relationship after being cheated on is "selfish", I might be more out of my mind that I thought.

That did make me laugh. I see what you mean to be fair.

It was more that i sense the poster thinks certain acts are being carried out with her well being in mind and with the way things are I doubt her husband is thinking much more beyond himself; especially given the nature of how things came to a head.
I think selfish is the wrong word to describe it. Self preservation maybe. I also understand why he would feel this way so im not criticising him.

Im just more concerned with the well being of mdying tbh.

Sounds hard but I do not feel sorry for you. You could have previously thought of what that does before you have let you f* from another man. You did not care about him at the moment when you spread your legs. You have done the worst to him what you can do to a person. To be betrayed by someone you love is the worst feeling there is.

Using phrases like ' spread your legs' says it all really.
Im sure if it were a male who wrote the post Thisisthelastnight would not be so vehement in their response.
I feel nothing but compassion for you as will many others. Many men will.be triggered by your post but not all so dont take it in. Just think ahead / going forward. It happened and once you are through this the suggestion that you try understand why with the help of a therapist will be helpful to you.

 

[mdying]

Again, this happened last year once I told him right away and he has forgiven me for it he says and I've taken responsibility for it. This is a year later now that he is leaving me he says because of having felt so depressed and numb, while I am 5 months pregnant because he is talking to someone else already. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me, I have stated over and over that it is my fault that so much broke but I have also done everything I can do make up for it and I still am. He could have also decided to leave me before I got pregnant and not in the middle of it. I know plenty of couples who have gone through worse than this, year long affairs, and have healed but obviously that's not possible if someone does something wrong and then doesn't give a shit about what they have done. We're going to go to counseling together and even if it's just to communicate better. We have not been fighting or anything it's all very civil and we are just both trying to heal. We had a good marriage before I was assaulted and I'm not using that as an excuse but I've never not taken responsibility for my mistakes, just like he has for his. I know he wasn't perfect, he often shut me out too, but we've both learned a great deal even though it might be too late for our marriage we still care a lot about each other. I am working very hard on myself and I just don't think I'm ready to give up fighting for our marriage. I mean I even asked him if he wanted me to stop fighting and he said he wasn't sure he was afraid but is seeing the old side of me again that he loved so much. I don't want to lose that again. If his happiness means that I need to let him go then I will but it doesn't sound like he has lost all hope either of feelings being able to com back.

That did make me laugh. I see what you mean to be fair.

It was more that i sense the poster thinks certain acts are being carried out with her well being in mind and with the way things are I doubt her husband is thinking much more beyond himself; especially given the nature of how things came to a head.
I think selfish is the wrong word to describe it. Self preservation maybe. I also understand why he would feel this way so im not criticising him.

Im just more concerned with the well being of mdying tbh.


Using phrases like ' spread your legs' says it all really.
Im sure if it were a male who wrote the post Thisisthelastnight would not be so vehement in their response.
I feel nothing but compassion for you as will many others. Many men will.be triggered by your post but not all so dont take it in. Just think ahead / going forward. It happened and once you are through this the suggestion that you try understand why with the help of a therapist will be helpful to you.

Thank you. Ye the spreading the legs thing was quite unnecessary. I've never not taken responsibility for it neither did I want pity

 

[ThisIsTheLastNight]

Im sure if it were a male who wrote the post Thisisthelastnight would not be so vehement in their response.

You could not be more wrong. I do not care about sex when it comes to being unfaithful. Why should I find this less of a problem with men than with women? That you think that says more about you than about me. I have chosen such a drastic way of expression because I despise unfaithfulness and not that she is a woman.

 

[Jolene40]

You could not be more wrong. I do not care about sex when it comes to being unfaithful. Why should I find this less of a problem with men than with women? That you think that says more about you than about me. I have chosen such a drastic way of expression because I despise unfaithfulness and not that she is a woman.

Fair enough.
Its phrases like 'spread your legs' i find intolerable. You have only stuck the knife in an already vulnerable person with your post. Not only that, this is a suicide website and whilst i don't want to 'save everyone' -because i understand- i also don't want to make a really vulnerable person feel even worse. It is clear she is riddled with guilt.

My ex cheated on me. Was seeing someone behind my back when i was sick and had a new baby. I don't feel much anger about that at all tbh. I acknowledge the part i played.

 

[mdying]

People can judge me all they want, I've been very clear that I messed up, took responsibility and apologized and tried to make it right. A big part of why I'm so suicidal is me thinking I will never be able to get over the guilt of what I've done so while I don't want pity or understanding I just wanted to share in a forum where maybe someone can understand how past mistakes and mental illness can lead you into such a dark place that you see no way out. My children wouldn't be better off with a mother that's alive but so messed up in her head, they would benefit 10 times more from a stable healthy person which I know my husband would find as a partner.

 

[Jolene40]

People can judge me all they want, I've been very clear that I messed up, took responsibility and apologized and tried to make it right. A big part of why I'm so suicidal is me thinking I will never be able to get over the guilt of what I've done so while I don't want pity or understanding I just wanted to share in a forum where maybe someone can understand how past mistakes and mental illness can lead you into such a dark place that you see no way out. My children wouldn't be better off with a mother that's alive but so messed up in her head, they would benefit 10 times more from a stable healthy person which I know my husband would find as a partner.

Not everyone judges you at all. I absolutely don't. I am still convinced you are romanticising your ex to be so much more perfect than they really are. You will see more clearly in time. So what if you cheated . Just remember there will be good reason for it, you may not be in a place to understand or appreciate exactly why right now but in the future you will. This is not all down to you. 2 people make and break a relationship. Xx

 

[EddieAllenPoe]

Yeah, I'm not judging.This really isn't that uncommon. When you're in the midst of your problems and your emotions are out of whack everything is going to seem 1000x worse than it really is. It's hard to see until after you get through it. Unfortunately, these types of lessons are ones many of us have had to learn.

 

[JadedGray]

Not everyone judges you at all. I absolutely don't. I am still convinced you are romanticising your ex to be so much more perfect than they really are. You will see more clearly in time. So what if you cheated . Just remember there will be good reason for it, you may not be in a place to understand or appreciate exactly why right now but in the future you will. This is not all down to you. 2 people make and break a relationship. Xx

I agree with this. If he had been perfect you wouldn't have felt the need to be with someone else (unless you had some underlying fear of commitment and wanting to know what else is out there... grass is greener on the other side kind of scenario). Once you lose someone it's easy to only remember the good and see everything with rose-colored glasses.

You could always try couple's therapy/marriage counselling.

 

[color_me_gone]

My children wouldn't be better off with a mother that's alive but so messed up in her head, they would benefit 10 times more from a stable healthy person which I know my husband would find as a partner.

No, not really, that is your depression talking now.
From the way you speak here, you do not sound the slightest bit "messed up in the head."
You are going through a rough time, and you suffer depression, but you are not messed up.

Your husband had forgiven you a year ago. Now he wants to leave.
I suspect there is more to it on "his" side than you know.
You will have three wonderful children who will show you unconditional love.
You can build your life around those children, with or without you husband.
Sometimes it is easier without him.
Just sayin'.
PS: married for 33 years, 2 grown step children, none of my own.

 

[Bloodtearsdust]

This is pure hell for you. Such an awful time for transition. alright step 1 is time to find someone to talk therapist, counsellor etc. You need someone on your side if you are committed to getting through this to birth your babies. Just someone who can help you organize a plan in case your husband has decided to move on. This also puts you really high on the list for postpartum. I know you don't have a plan just yet, but you seem committed to your kids.. so thats why I say find someone to help you put together a plan just so you can get through all this initial tough stuff. If you still want to die afterwards... then make that plan number 2. I read somewhere it can take 13 months to get over a long term relationship/marriage.. so you may feel better after that time period has passed, it's hard to say. You're super tough for admitting mistakes and putting yourself out there. You're strong, take 1 step at a time.

 

[color_me_gone]

I agree fully with what @Bloodtearsdust said.
@mdying , you have been very courageous in admitting your mistake,
That is a great step toward saving your marriage.
If your husband is not willing to put forth the effort to save your marriage, then there is nothing you can do.
But that is on him, not on you. That is not your fault, so don't blame yourself.
This could have happened even if you never cheated.