Help Hurting family

[Alec]

God you know I can't stand my mother. I live with her and she's so abusive and toxic as hell, I can't even go into everything that's shit that she did to me, I would be stuck writing it here for hours, and I honestly really need to go to sleep now but I wanted to get this out first.
A bad thing just happened and she found out that she owns a lot of money that she doesn't have to pay back and she kinda fell into a depression too but what gets to me is what she said to me just now. She said that she'll be alright as long as I'm alright, as long as I'm eating and don't fall into depression and as long as I'm healthy. ITS SUCHH A FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! It makes me feel like I can't be feeling bad because it will make her feel bad, like I can't have problems like I can't allow myself to have problems because it will hurt her. HOW ABOUT MY FEELING AND MY STATE IS NOT ABOUT HER, ITS ABOUT ME!!!! My pain isn't about her!!!! That's so selfish of her!!! She told me to go start eating because her soul hurts to see me not eating, and what about me and my soul? What is I can't shove food up myself because I want to vomit it all?! What about my hurt and pain?!
She literally told me Im "her life and air I'm the reason she's alive and that she breathes because I'm her air" WTF IS WRONG WITH HER?! Who puts such a pressure on their child?! How about try living your god damn life without pressuring me into being alright into being something you want me to be how about letting me live my life without putting your whole existence on me?! She's so toxic and this is such a toxic manipulative behavior I cant!!!! I remember when I was little and she would get violent with me while drunk again, and she once smashes the glass inside a door and her fist went through it and she had a very deep cut and started bleeding and blood was everywhere and while clutching her arms that was bleeding to the floor she looked at me and said "this hit was meant for you" all the times she would get drunk as hell and then made me feel like it was my fault she's getting drunk. And I can't even begin to talk about all her mind games with me, she's so toxic!!!
I reminded her that she has a boyfriend and a lot of other family, she has two sisters who also have children and even grand children already and she's close with them so even if I wasn't here she would be ok but she just kept repeating that I'm "her air" this is such a toxic behavior and brain washing I fucking hate this!!!!! And to think in these last few days I actually started thinking about how my suicide will hurt her and how I didn't want to bring her pain I started questioning how she would survive my suicide because god knows she's been through a lot of pain in her life already. But honestly the pain she's been through doesn't excuse what she's doing to me!!! That's so unhealthy!!! I can't, I can't be thinking about her and her pain, I have to think about myself. This is about me not about her or anyone else, it's about me, it's my life and my choice!!! This is about my pain and my suffering and about my decision to leave this life! I'll just try to ignore her completely, this decision has to be mine and not be influenced by her or anyone else. If anything she makes me want to do it even more but sometimes I feel sad for the pain it might bring her. But I can't live for her I can't stay alive for anyone, it wouldn't be right, it's not a good way to try and recover for me especially to try to stay alive for an abuser like her. It makes me sick honestly I almost want to physically vomit just thinking about it. If I'll ever decide to stay alive it has to be for me, if I'll decide to keep going with this and finally kill myself it will be because of me and it will be my decision and not because of anybody! Not even because of her abuse, no this is about me and only me!
Anyone can relate? Sorry for the long read but if you've read it how about you guys? What about your situations? I'd like to know about you❤

 

[Nem]

Very sorry to hear about your situation, it does sound toxic :(
I got involved with a sociopath/control freak/a-hole and made the horrific mistake of staying with them after I saw huge red flags...huge!!!
Then I made another huge mistake, I went back on meds and my dr was careless and prescribed me a dangerous combination of meds and two days into taking them I told my ex they were making me sick and wanted to stop them. My ex got angry and demanded I keep taking them. we were on a hellcation and I didn't want to deal with the silent treatment/bullshit and kept taking them.
Two weeks later I had a ass raping reaction and suffered nervous system damage, muscles melted and my kidneys almost exploded.
I now sleep three hours a night ever since and regret the fuck for not breaking up with my ex at the beginning.
peace/hugs❤

 

[PrettyMoose]

I can relate with pretty much everything except my mom never got violent with me. But she has been an alcoholic for most of my life and also has said things like I'm her air and all of that. Just the other day the topic of suicide came up because James Taylor - Fire & Rain was playing, and she told me that if I wanted to kill her then killing myself would be the way to do it. Then while stumbling and pouring herself another vodka drink she tells me that I'm the most important thing to her. Really? It seems like alcohol has always been more important but whatever. She acts like it is so horrible to hear about the possibility of my death, yet that day and many days like it she gets me to make end-of-life promises to her about her. "Promise me if I'm ever on life support you'll have them pull the plug" and so forth, "Promise me you'll put me on hospice if I get dementia and it gets too bad", and I've told her that I don't want to think about that (even had some times when I told her that I won't be alive when she's going through her end-of-life stuff) she tells me that I have to think about it because it's reality. She even once asked if I would do things for her like wipe her ass everyday if she gets too old and disabled to do it. She is always drunk when doing this and I reluctantly answer, and she never hears the first bunch of times I answer, so I have to almost yell the answer at her (which is usually whatever she wants to hear so that she'll stop and leave me alone about it). I too tire of this toxic crap and it does make me want to suicide even more, even though sometimes I feel hesitant because I don't want to hurt her, but like you said it is my life and my pain that I have to deal with, it is my decision and not hers. Regardless she'll just continue drinking herself to death anyway with or without me around. So fuck it.