Venting Hurt My Mom

[oneDay1]

Hi everyone,

(Apologies for the long post. I am venting and need to get this out)

I'm relatively new and have plans to ctb in the future for reasons i wont currently discuss. At this point i've accepted it to be something ill probably do. However, the pain that my suicide would bring to my mom is probably the only thing keeping me going. She is the kindest, most compassionate, caring person I have ever met — beyond what anyone would consider reasonable. I wont leave her empty handed (a big reason of why I'm waiting for to ctb is for my life insurance to become incontestable). She doesnt need the money though (good profession, works extremely hard).



For a multitude of reasons, my family essentially only calls when they need something from her. And of course my mom obliges on the drop of a dime. She has worked tirelessly all of her life to give me the best possible life, and continues to support me in college. She provides constant care to my grandparents. Drops everything to visit my brother in the uk to check on his newborn (shes a pediatrician). No one reciprocates. Her boyfriend, although he's a great guy, prefers not to delve in our family issues. I get it, he's retiring and wants to enjoy the rest of his life, but this leaves my mom with no support. He isn't really a partner to her at this point. Succinctly, she is more or less alone.

I may very well ctb, but this is what goes through my mind:

Ever since i was born, my mom gave me nothing but love and anything i could ever desire. She worked and continues to work tirelessly to provide for me and get me through uni. She has told me countless times that all she wants is for me to be happy and stable. If I die, she loses the one thing shes been working to support for the past 20+ years.



She is now of retirement age. She would have to live out the remainder of her life in what I would imagine would be a simply untreatable, possibly catatonic depression. This is all assuming she doesn't kill her self. Which would force my grandparents to move to a nursing home while grieving the death of their grandson and DAUGHTER.



If I ctb, I intend to tie up all loose ends, leave a decent life insurance payout, and a detailed explanation of my reasoning. But i cant help but feel that wouldn't be enough. I would appreciate anyones opinion, story, or advice.



Thank you.

 

[Goodbye710]

The reason why suicide is considered a sin in religion is because of the position you're in. Your death will cause an immense amount of suffering.

Lots on this forum stay alive to prevent the domino effect.

You asked for an opinion. I know it's not one you want to hear but sometimes we should stay alive to prevent suffering on others.

People can call me pro life. I don't care. I care more about doing the right thing unless your suffering is beyond repair then it's an act of mercy and family should be accepting despite how hard it will be for them to understand this.

If you're wanting to ctb because society sucks then drop out of society. If there isn't much excitement in your life then take up an adrenaline sport. If you're lonely, then become an addict. In my opinion, those are better alternatives than the pain you'll cause. Unless your suffering is too great. Only you will know.

 

[In2TheVoid]

I'm in the same boat. My family and friends have only ever been good to me, which in one sense is very lucky, but in another sense makes me feel like I live in a prison because I can't justify hurting them

 

[oneDay1]

The reason why suicide is considered a sin in religion is because of the position you're in. Your death will cause an immense amount of suffering.

Lots on this forum stay alive to prevent the domino effect.

You asked for an opinion. I know it's not one you want to hear but sometimes we should stay alive to prevent suffering on others.

People can call me pro life. I don't care. I care more about doing the right thing unless your suffering is beyond repair then it's an act of mercy and family should be accepting despite how hard it will be for them to understand this.

If you're wanting to ctb because society sucks then drop out of society. If there isn't much excitement in your life then take up an adrenaline sport. If you're lonely, then become an addict. In my opinion, those are better alternatives than the pain you'll cause. Unless your suffering is too great. Only you will know.

This is probably the most down to earth and realistic response I've heard. Thank you.

I'm in the same boat. My family and friends have only ever been good to me, which in one sense is very lucky, but in another sense makes me feel like I live in a prison because I can't justify hurting them

That's exactly how i feel

 

[motel rooms]

The reason why suicide is considered a sin in religion is because of the position you're in. Your death will cause an immense amount of suffering.

Which religion? There are lots of them. I know that Catholics consider suicide a sin because it is a form of murder (self-murder), not because it causes suffering.

 

[LastFlowers]

The reason why suicide is considered a sin in religion is because of the position you're in. Your death will cause an immense amount of suffering.

Lots on this forum stay alive to prevent the domino effect.

You asked for an opinion. I know it's not one you want to hear but sometimes we should stay alive to prevent suffering on others.

People can call me pro life. I don't care. I care more about doing the right thing unless your suffering is beyond repair then it's an act of mercy and family should be accepting despite how hard it will be for them to understand this.

If you're wanting to ctb because society sucks then drop out of society. If there isn't much excitement in your life then take up an adrenaline sport. If you're lonely, then become an addict. In my opinion, those are better alternatives than the pain you'll cause. Unless your suffering is too great. Only you will know.

The right thing?
You're advocating that people become hermits, addicts, or involve themselves in a high risk sport, essentially all increasing their own suffering, not to mention the strain that staying alive does to a person who wanted to end their pain, rather than just let them commit suicide?
It just doesn't make much sense. It's still putting one person's quality of life above another's, to the point you tell the sufferer to deplete themselves of even more than they've already lost, or something similar.
Why do those potentially left behind matter more than the person who planned to take their life?
It's not even a guarantee they (relatives, etc) will suffer from the death, but it is a guarantee that the perpetually suicidal will continue to get worse.

Part of the reason I suffer is society's treatment of people like me, I've already isolated myself from it as much as possible and it's a very restrictive measure that creates a hell of its own, even when you're already living one either way.
Some people don't even have the means.
I continue to do it because it is simply the lesser of two evils between hiding away or going out and experiencing more trauma, but it's not a solution, it's just another maladaptive necessity that I must stick with in order to not lose my mind completely. I am still as miserable as ever and wish I was dead every second I am not.

 

[motel rooms]

You're advocating that people become hermits, addicts, or involve themselves in a high risk sport

Wow, that's just... wow...

 

[All Things Must Pass]

The reason why suicide is considered a sin in religion is because of the position you're in. Your death will cause an immense amount of suffering.

Then why do gods make sufferers suffer for all eternity? Why do they make sufferers suffer at all? See, the real reason is because religion exists to control people and you can't control people if they opt out.

"If you're wanting to ctb because society sucks then drop out of society."

What does that even mean? Go out live in a jungle?

"If you're lonely, then become an addict."

Jesus fucking christ.

 

[Goodbye710]

Then why do gods make sufferers suffer for all eternity? Why do they make sufferers suffer at all? See, the real reason is because religion exists to control people and you can't control people if they opt out.

"If you're wanting to ctb because society sucks then drop out of society."

What does that even mean? Go out live in a jungle?

"If you're lonely, then become an addict."

Jesus fucking christ.

Lots on this forum, such as those on autism spectrum or LGBTQ on this forum are put through absolute hell in society. They want to ctb because of the pain they experience from being in a toxic society. I don't blame them. They should try to form friendships outside of society and to no longer be concerned with society or even drop out.

Lots on this forum want to ctb because of the competitive nature of society. To work so hard that you lose your essence in this society. For what? More money, status, a relationship. To brag to others of a university degree or high status job. To what make a parent proud? Nobody cares and people shouldn't be expected to live in this kind of society if they don't want to.

Many people become addicts because of the pain they have caused or experienced. Yes addictions help numb this. It's why so many are obese as they are addicted to food. Or cigarettes or alcohol, etc..

None of these solutions are ideal or politically correct. But if you've ever seen what a loving parent goes through when a child ctb is horrendous. His mother will still love him if he takes up marijuana or whatever substance to cope.

If it keeps him alive then I don't see anything wrong.

In an ideal world nobody would have to do any of these solutions but this is not an ideal world.

Hope this helps

 

[motel rooms]

None of these solutions are ideal or politically correct. But if you've ever seen what a loving parent goes through when a child ctb is horrendous. His mother will still love him if he takes up marijuana or whatever substance to cope.

As @LastFlowers pointed out, why do those left behind matter more than the person who wants to ctb? And suggesting that someone who is already suffering become an addict is just heartless

 

[WornOutLife]

Same problem here, especially with my dad.
CTB feels really wrong because he's given me everything and he'll really be an old man and have lots of trouble if I'm not around.

To make matters worse, he might have a heart-attack or stroke once he finds out I've ctb.

It really sucks and I don't know if I'll be able to leave this planet as long as he's still alive. I love him too much.

 

[Sslsh]

I don't really care tbh. Yes they care about me. Yes they will be affected. But it's they who decided to breed so it's not my fault. Plus they've have had a longer and happier life than me. So I'm the one having the worse deal when I ctb.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know it can be traumatic leaving those behind and I know my parents would be affected, but personally I would put myself first. I wouldn't suffer just for the sake of other people.

 

[oneDay1]

Same problem here, especially with my dad.
CTB feels really wrong because he's given me everything and he'll really be an old man and have lots of trouble if I'm not around.

To make matters worse, he might have a heart-attack or stroke once he finds out I've ctb.

It really sucks and I don't know if I'll be able to leave this planet as long as he's still alive. I love him too much.

Im sorry to hear that bro. Its a terrible position to be in. I must remain alive for the next 2 years at least (life insurance). I've set a few goals to keep me going for now (like graduate from uni). I find it hard to only live for others. Is there anything keeping you occupied for the time being?

 

[WornOutLife]

Im sorry to hear that bro. Its a terrible position to be in. I must remain alive for the next 2 years at least (life insurance). I've set a few goals to keep me going for now (like graduate from uni). I find it hard to only live for others. Is there anything keeping you occupied for the time being?

Thanks for your words, bro.
Setting new goals is a great idea! That's what I did too!

I'm working A LOT (I love my job so I don't mind lol) and studying japanese every single day so, my mind is quite busy and days are liveable.
On Saturdays, I love drinking booze but Sundays are the hardest days of the week because of my hangovers haha.

Wish you the best and hope things improve somehow!!

 

[oneDay1]

Thanks for your words, bro.
Setting new goals is a great idea! That's what I did too!

I'm working A LOT (I love my job so I don't mind lol) and studying japanese every single day so, my mind is quite busy and days are liveable.
On Saturdays, I love drinking booze but Sundays are the hardest days of the week because of my hangovers haha.

Wish you the best and hope things improve somehow!!

So glad to hear you have all those things going for you. Im a bit dysfunctional (adhd and depression) so im just tryna keep it together right now.

 

[Thiopentone31]

The reason why suicide is considered a sin in religion is because of the position you're in. Your death will cause an immense amount of suffering.

Lots on this forum stay alive to prevent the domino effect.

You asked for an opinion. I know it's not one you want to hear but sometimes we should stay alive to prevent suffering on others.

People can call me pro life. I don't care. I care more about doing the right thing unless your suffering is beyond repair then it's an act of mercy and family should be accepting despite how hard it will be for them to understand this.

If you're wanting to ctb because society sucks then drop out of society. If there isn't much excitement in your life then take up an adrenaline sport. If you're lonely, then become an addict. In my opinion, those are better alternatives than the pain you'll cause. Unless your suffering is too great. Only you will know.

if you are lonely maybe you can try different strategied rather than become an addict. Apart for this I understand this point of view. It depends on the dimension of the pain, I guess.

anyway I can relate. The pain I would cause to my mum is one of the reasons stopping me doing that. But the pain for me is so much that I dont know how much I am able to endure

It's not even a guarantee they (relatives, etc) will suffer from the death, but it is a guarantee that the perpetually suicidal will continue to get worse.

of course ones who love you will suffer your death.

 

[Goodbye710]

if you are lonely maybe you can try different strategied rather than become an addict. Apart for this I understand this point of view. It depends on the dimension of the pain, I guess.

anyway I can relate. The pain I would cause to my mum is one of the reasons stopping me doing that. But the pain for me is so much that I dont know how much I am able to endure

You understand what I'm trying to say. I know others it's hard to understand.

Sometimes people forget the bigger picture. I once knew someone who was very frugal. He would save pennies but he was unable to distinguish between a penny, a dollar and a hundred dollars. To him, they were all equal.

The same holds true with wrongs that we do in life.

People are confused in society to the extent that they don't see the extreme devastation that an action holds in comparison to something much much smaller. To many people, they can't see the scale. Addiction to cope with life is miniscule in comparison to the pain he would cause his mom and grandparents.

Nobody is perfect and this idea we have to make our personalities perfect is only a recent phenomenon. In the past, most people did cigarettes, alcohol and so on. Life sucks without a coping strategy for most people. Baby boomers and my generation Gen X taught the younger generations wrong methods. Things that work in an ideal world but not practical. Take an antidepressant, therapy, money, status, etc. to make life easier. Doesn't really work for most.

The younger generations many of them are now sleeping with total strangers as a coping mechanism. Many others watch porn. That method will completely hollow out a person. It's no wonder so many young people are depressed and anxious. That kind of life is as if you live without a soul. The addictions of past generations have been traded for even worse addictions and methods to cope with life now. It's hard to recognize society now vs decades ago.

I'm using low dose opiods to keep me going. I don't regret it. Keeps me alive. I have witnessed others use alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana and so on.

I'm personally more concerned with doing the right thing in life.

I hope that makes sense.

 

[LastFlowers]

if you are lonely maybe you can try different strategied rather than become an addict. Apart for this I understand this point of view. It depends on the dimension of the pain, I guess.

anyway I can relate. The pain I would cause to my mum is one of the reasons stopping me doing that. But the pain for me is so much that I dont know how much I am able to endure

of course ones who love you will suffer your death.

It is not a guarantee that relatives (I did not say "loved ones" or "those who love you") will suffer from your death, and it is certainly not guaranteed that they will suffer to the same point of suicide that you reached.
I have researched the aftermath of plenty of suicides and it may surprise you just how many people did not succumb to any emotion on the matter, or bounced back to an almost offensive degree.
The majority of my own relatives do not give a rat's ass about me, even those who proclaim "love" in words only, may very well barely feel your passing.
I've seen it happen with others, I know it will happen with me, and I don't put it past anyone left behind to react in the same way..if not at first, then eventually.
Even if they did suffer, it still doesn't disprove the point I was making with my reply.

 

[motel rooms]

The addictions of past generations have been traded for even worse addictions and methods to cope with life now. It's hard to recognize society now vs decades ago.

There was no alcohol decades ago? I wish my father had killed himself instead of being a fucking drunk all his life. Do you know what alcoholism does to families?! Do you know what heroin & meth addiction does to people?!

 

[StringPuppet]

"Just become an addict bro"

 

[Goodbye710]

IMO, The worst thing baby boomers and gen x did was to spread idealism rather than showing the realities of life. Now people get triggered. Decades ago I could have a drink with anyone to take the pressure of life of. We would enjoy ourselves but now I'm considered a bad person if I'm addicted to alcohol? Or all those people who tell off others for smoking cigarettes when they have no problem being next to a cars exhaust.

None of those makes me a bad person. But if someone ctb and destroys the lives of others in the process but yet didn't want to try other coping mechanisms. Doesn't make sense to me.

It's a weird world we live in now.

Everybody is addicted to something. This is a good article

Is Everyone Addicted To <em>Something</em>?

We mood-alter with substances (alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, etc.) and activities (shopping, gambling, sex, work etc.) We are unable to simply be awake and present to life -- so we medicate our existential anxiety.

www.huffpost.com

It's odd to me to see people compare the seriousness of ctb to say alcohol or cigarettes or marijuana. CTB, especially when it destroys others lives in the process is infintely more serious than being addicted to something. Big deal if someone goes home and drinks alcohol if it keeps them alive and prevented someone's life from being destroyed in the process. Drinking alcohol doesn't turn someone into a bad person. They were a bad person before the alcohol.

Maybe we are going into another part of history where human life is no longer valued.

Either way, last post on the subject so I won't derail this thread.

 

[oneDay1]

IMO, The worst thing baby boomers and gen x did was to spread idealism rather than showing the realities of life. Now people get triggered. Decades ago I could have a drink with anyone to take the pressure of life of. We would enjoy ourselves but now I'm considered a bad person if I'm addicted to alcohol? Or all those people who tell off others for smoking cigarettes when they have no problem being next to a cars exhaust.

None of those makes me a bad person. But if someone ctb and destroys the lives of others in the process but yet didn't want to try other coping mechanisms. Doesn't make sense to me.

It's a weird world we live in now.

Everybody is addicted to something. This is a good article

Is Everyone Addicted To <em>Something</em>?

We mood-alter with substances (alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, etc.) and activities (shopping, gambling, sex, work etc.) We are unable to simply be awake and present to life -- so we medicate our existential anxiety.

www.huffpost.com

It's odd to me to see people compare the seriousness of ctb to say alcohol or cigarettes or marijuana. CTB, especially when it destroys others lives in the process is infintely more serious than being addicted to something.

Maybe we are going into another part of history where human life is no longer valued.

Either way, last post on the subject so I won't derail this thread.

Thanks for the perspective, some interesting thoughts you have here. Destroying the lives of others is commonly an unavoidable reality of suicide.

 

[Goodbye710]

Thanks for the perspective, some interesting thoughts you have here. Destroying the lives of others is commonly an unavoidable reality of suicide.

My aunt ctb many decades ago. Her mother followed her 10 years later.

I have spoken with some parents on this forum who went through unimaginable grief and they were going to follow the same route.

I know people say my body, my choice. I understand their perspective but when one has a loving family and it destroys the lives of others, one has a duty to try whatever it takes to stay alive so that others are not destroyed by your actions. If one has exhausted all options, then the family left behind needs to find the understanding.

Point being, do whatever it takes to stay alive if your actions are going to destroy someone's life.
All we have in this world is to do the right thing.

Hope this helps

 

[motel rooms]

It's odd to me to see people compare the seriousness of ctb to say alcohol or cigarettes or marijuana. CTB, especially when it destroys others lives in the process is infintely more serious than being addicted to something. Big deal if someone goes home and drinks alcohol if it keeps them alive and prevented someone's life from being destroyed in the process. Drinking alcohol doesn't turn someone into a bad person. They were a bad person before the alcohol.

It's painfully clear that you know absolutely nothing about alcoholism, & what it does to alcoholics & their families...

 

[Goodbye710]

using coping mechanisms does not make one a horrible person. As shown in the prior article everybody has an addiction to something. Maybe it's taboo to talk about but this forum use to have knowledgeable posters who could have conversations without being attacked.

It seems like you are taking extreme examples and others on other threads use extreme examples to try to advocate a position when all I have ever said is do the right thing in life. All I have ever said is one needs to weigh ones actions.

"Perhaps the study's most important contribution is its implication that treatments that help us withstand mental pain may prevent suicide."

How to Prevent Suicide with an Opioid

Fascinating study suggests treating “psychache”

www.scientificamerican.com

This forum has become filled with very hostile people. Anybody with a difference of opinion. It's no wonder so many are leaving this site.

THIS IS MY LAST POST ON THIS FORUM. Just another person who has been chased away from this forum by hostile people because they have a difference of opinion. This forum is too toxic nowadays! You can't even try helping people without being attacked... and I'm made out as the bad guy for offering suggestions to keep someone from ctb. It's a common theme on this forum.

 

[awfullife]

"Just become an addict bro"

That's a classic!

 

[MindFrog]

I can relate too much. There's a couple of people in my life that'll suffer if I end up in CTB. I still believe that suicide itself is selfish since your doing this for yourself......but...... I don't think its a bad thing. Sometimes being selfish can protect you from harm. A lot have worn themselves up just for others than they end up forgetting their own health.

But holy shi- I can't really agree with just living life as an empty husk. Let alone getting an "addiction". Having a bad coping mechanism can still hurt your family, you know? Sometimes it can even inflict more pain than suicide.

 

[motel rooms]

How to Prevent Suicide with an Opioid

Fascinating study suggests treating “psychache”

www.scientificamerican.com

This forum is too toxic nowadays! You can't even try helping people without being attacked... and I'm made out as the bad guy for offering suggestions to keep someone from ctb. It's a common theme on this forum.

There are plenty of people on here who are trying to help others not ctb. They're just not naively suggesting that opioid addiction is a sensible way to deal with problems

 

[LostMyWill]

THIS IS MY LAST POST ON THIS FORUM. Just another person who has been chased away from this forum by hostile people because they have a difference of opinion. This forum is too toxic nowadays! You can't even try helping people without being attacked... and I'm made out as the bad guy for offering suggestions to keep someone from ctb. It's a common theme on this forum.

You're not helping anyone, you're simply guilt-tripping and shaming people for thinking about suicide. Get lost.