Venting Hungry and terrified

[willitpass]

I'm so thirsty. I don't even think I'm physically hungry, maybe I am, but I don't know anymore. My hunger cues are beyond fucked. But mentally I'm torn between ravenous and thinking I can never eat anything ever again. All I can think about it food right now. I've returned back to my beloved hobby of browsing DoorDash and adding tons and tons of food to the cart with no intent of actually buying any of it because none of it is safe. I can only drink if I'm compensating with enough laxatives to maintain a state of relatively severe dehydration. Water weight makes me want to fucking die. I have to restrict my sodium to prevent water retention even though I'm taking so many laxatives it probably wouldn't even make much difference and I'm likely hyponatremic as is. I'm at my lowest weight since I was 13 but I'm disgusted in myself. I'll never be small enough. I'll be gone within a month but I wish I could be fucking 80lbs when I die. Quite literally impossible, but I'm angry that I can't die unbelievably tiny. I want to be bonespo. Deathspo. My mind is so cloudy from how I treat myself. I just want to die. I'm in hell. Please get me out of here.

 

[Thisisnotaname]

Courage, day 3 of my vsed i'll be like this soon

 

[Neowise]

This doesn't sound very pleasant. Why aren't you eating and drinking, is this your CBT plan (VSED)?

 

[Plato'sCaveDweller]

This doesn't sound very pleasant. Why aren't you eating and drinking, is this your CBT plan (VSED)?

if i remember correctly, this is a form of SH for them (unless something has changed and they've switched to attempting VSED).

 

[willitpass]

This doesn't sound very pleasant. Why aren't you eating and drinking, is this your CBT plan (VSED)?

if i remember correctly, this is a form of SH for them (unless something has changed and they've switched to attempting VSED).

I'm anorexic. As well as using dehydration along with other self harm methods to damage my kidneys. VSED outside of hospice isn't a method.

 

[Plato'sCaveDweller]

I'm anorexic. As well as using dehydration along with other self harm methods to damage my kidneys. VSED outside of hospice isn't a method.

Ah, gotcha. I apologize for speaking on your behalf if that was out of turn. I just remembered reading many of your threads and wanted to give the user an answer.

And yeah VSED is probably one of the harder methods, despite how seemingly passive it is. If you think your body taking over due to SI with other methods is bad, try not eating for weeks and then look at a piece of food.

 

[willitpass]

Ah, gotcha. I apologize for speaking on your behalf if that was out of turn. I just remembered reading many of your threads and wanted to give the user an answer.

And yeah VSED is probably one of the harder methods, despite how seemingly passive it is. If you think your body taking over due to SI with other methods is bad, try not eating for weeks and then look at a piece of food.

I attempted VSED years ago. Even as someone with an eating disorder I firmly believe unless you are in hospice receiving heavy medications or are in some monk like state of spiritual enlightenment it has a near 0 chance of working. The body is made to do exactly the opposite of VSED. I made it five days before an indescribable hunger overtook me and I ate and drank everything in my path without a chance to stop myself. It simply isn't possible.

 

[Plato'sCaveDweller]

I attempted VSED years ago. Even as someone with an eating disorder I firmly believe unless you are in hospice receiving heavy medications or are in some monk like state of spiritual enlightenment it has a near 0 chance of working. The body is made to do exactly the opposite of VSED. I made it five days before an indescribable hunger overtook me and I ate and drank everything in my path without a chance to stop myself. It simply isn't possible.

I had a similar experience, though not with VSED. I experienced about a month and a half of food scarcity around 3 years ago, and man when I'd go 3 or 4 days without food I was absolutely RAVENOUS. All I could think about was food, and the gastrointestinal discomfort and body pain of withering away as the pounds drop off your body was awful, almost indescribable. I lost about 40lbs during that period and I've never been able to gain it back. VSED probably only works if you're half-unconscious most of the time heavily sedated on pain meds in hospice, as you say. Or perhaps a highly trained Buddhist monk, since those guys seem to be able to starve until death with no issues or light themselves on fire with complete and total stoicism.

 

[willitpass]

I had a similar experience, though not with VSED. I experienced about a month and a half of food scarcity around 3 years ago, and man when I'd go 3 or 4 days without food I was absolutely RAVENOUS. All I could think about was food, and the gastrointestinal discomfort and body pain of withering away as the pounds drop off your body was awful, almost indescribable. I lost about 40lbs during that period and I've never been able to gain it back. VSED probably only works if you're half-unconscious most of the time heavily sedated on pain meds in hospice, as you say. Or perhaps a highly trained Buddhist monk, since those guys seem to be able to starve until death with no issues or light themselves on fire with complete and total stoicism.

I do unspeakable things to my body. I abuse laxatives. I have done many water/liquid fasts in my lifetime. My stomach has shrunk from how little I eat to the point that 6oz of water and a muffins makes me uncomfortably full. I am no stranger to starvation and chronic pain. And I could not do VSED. I think that's pretty telling.

 

[genoke]

I cannot read your posts anymore. Your descriptions of self-harm and starvation are too much for me. I really, really hope you find a way out. Good luck to you friend.

More than almost anyone else on this site... I hope you find your peace before you're committed permanently. Please be more careful and more strategic and don't ever let that happen.