Venting Huge argument just totally triggered me

[RedRoses]

I'm so angryyy!!! Arghhh!!!

And like st this point it just feels like my own fault!!!! I hate feeling like this!

I hate hurting myself & thinking about taking it even further. Like wtf why me! Why I actually deserve such scummy human beings in my life! And I just don't want to be alone! Although I already am alone!!! Even in same room with someone I'm bloody alone! But at least I'm not here I guess. So I'm just gona use this to vent sorry.



I'm so frustrated and anything I do makes it worse, I'm lacking so much self confidence I don't even know who I am anymore!!!

Like I literally can't even do my make up! I even went for my eyebrows to be done and the women messed them up and left me completely stupid! Before that I went to hair salon and had a complete disaster there aswell! I

Like is just intentional, everything happens for a reason right? God there's so much I could scream about and I could type for hours and hours!!



Everything is just ruined!! Even the frigging rose tree outside my bedroom window!! I just used sit on the window and look outside because I literally don't want to even leave the house!



So hard to wake up in the mornings and feel greatful to be alive!

And it's usually the worst time for me waking up, I literally wake up frantic and regretful I even let myself feel like this for still being here to wake up in the morning!!

I relapsed with self harm on my birthday in May & and I hate hurting but it's all I feel!

I hate looking at the state I get myself into and my arms! Like really I'm doing this!!

I'm doing this! This is what I'm doing instead getting over and done with.

I don't wana go but can't just put everything back to how it was, before the lies that trigger all my trust issues but just never gona happen the past is the past but it's so hard to let go even through all the hurtful situations I've been through.

I can't let go & I can't move forward.

I'm love everything in this world expect for myself.

I feel so pathetic and I'm heartbroken.



Update; at least my weed dealer is finally here!!!

 

[oopswronglife]

None of this is ever our fault. No matter what failures we exhibit as humans, and we all do, we don't deserve to be punished, and certainly not in this way. We aren't losers or pathetic. We shouldn't hate ourselves, only our situations.

We have all felt alone in a room full of people. We are all stuck in this limbo. None of us want to die, we want the pain to end. You aren't somehow wrong because you have all those feelings. I know solidarity doesn't improve your quality of life..but know this isn't some defect in YOU, but in life. We can easily turn all the external shit that isn't our fault onto ourselves anyway just making things feel even worse. You have enough to deal with already so making a conscious effort not to let external things infect your self worth can often makes things easier to tolerate even if it doesn't fix them.

 

[puppy9]

Update; at least my weed dealer is finally here!!!

pheww,

 

[rata1]

making a conscious effort not to let external things infect your self worth can often makes things easier to tolerate even if it doesn't fix them.

oh i would like to be able to do exactly this. but its so difficult to achieve this state of mind. why are the good, the healthy things harder to achieve than the bad.....? why ......? well as said above, solidarity, what a good thing, probably its the only thing we all here have (thanks ss!). hugs to us all, especially to you roses, i know very good what you are talking about.

 

[oopswronglife]

oh i would like to be able to do exactly this. but its so difficult to achieve this state of mind. why are the good, the healthy things harder to achieve than the bad.....? why ......? well as said above, solidarity, what a good thing, probably its the only thing we all here have (thanks ss!). hugs to us all, especially to you roses, i know very good what you are talking about.

Sure everything like that is easier said than done...but even partial success at it is helpful. Doing it badly is better than not doing it at all and frees up energy to use elsewhere.