Hubby found out about my SN and had a breakdown :'(

[nitrogen]

Yesterday my hubby took the trash out when I was bathing the baby - 99% of the time it's me who does such chores. He saw a USPS priority mail envelope in the trash bag with the sender being "Professor Fullwood." He asked casually whether it was from one of my college or med school professors. I said no. Then he asked who that was. I said it was a company's name, not a person's name. He asked what company. I said a chemical company. He asked why I had a packaged from a chemical company. I then stammered for a few seconds, said the stuff could be used to make bacon. He asked why not buy bacon. I said the bacon sold in grocery stores is made out of pig's belly, but I want pig buttock bacon. He gave me this "oh come on" look. Then I had no choice but to tell him it's poison. FYI, I only hide stuff from my hubby, but I don't lie to him.

He then buried his face in his hands, speechless. When he lifted his face up, tears were streaming down his face. I don't remember the last time I saw him cry, must have been over 8 years ago. He didn't even cry once, well at least in front of me, when his first two startups failed.

He always knew I had chronic existential crisis/existential depression and suicidal ideation. But this time, he interpreted me buying poison as a strong suicidal intent.

I explained I want to have full autonomy over my death, and my biggest fear is being kept alive in agony against my will from natural death. I assured him I have no intent, only ideation, that having poison readily available just eases my mind and calms my nerves, that I won't leave my family behind or evade my duties to them. He didn't buy it and said his biggest fear is losing me.

I figured the conversation wouldn't end soon, and it was the baby's bedtime, so I went ahead and put the baby to bed while thinking hard about how to console him. By the time I went back to my hubby, there was a half-empty 1.5L margarita bottle on the table. I found him curled up into a ball by the corner of the couch, drunk and sobbing quietly. He rarely drinks alcohol simply because he doesn't like the taste of it. I'm used to his stoic and "having everything under control" composure, so seeing him so vulnerable broke my heart and I burst into tears.

He dragged me to the couch, cradled me in his arms really tight, bit too tight actually. He lifted my chin up and we locked eyes. He stared at me with such intensity it felt like he was staring into my soul, then he said, "Let me make this clear again, if you die, I'll kill myself right away. I can't stop you, but I'll follow wherever you go, in this life, and the next. You're more important than anything. Without you, my life loses all colors and means nothing." I then swore and promised, again and again, that I have no intent, and we'll watch the baby grow up and we grow old together.

What followed was him caressing and kissing every part of me, telling me how much he loves me in many different ways, including repeating the vows he said when we got married that he'll honor, love, support and cherish me for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. Then I chugged down the other half of the margarita, had the most passionate drunk sex with him twice in a row. I wish he was gentler but I didn't want to be a buzz killer, so I let him go at it however he wanted. I had to take painkillers afterward. Thank god the baby got woken by the noises and I had to put her back to sleep; I doubt I could take round three. Eventually, he hugged me to sleep.

I agreed to move the SN to a bank safety deposit box and not leave any poison at home. I'm glad my hubby didn't ask how much SN I bought - I stashed away enough to put down the entire Gotham City. Last night made a difference, I can't CTB no matter how much I want to (I'm a solid 8 on a 1-10 scale of how suicidal I am). I mean to keep my promise. We've been together for 12 years, it was love at first sight when we met at our college new student orientation; next week will be our 5 yr marriage anniversary. I don't live for myself anyway.

 

[Jean4]

All I can say is the love your husband has for you is beautiful. You are so very lucky.

I am a 8 on a daily basis too. I made my promise to Stan not to follow him.

What I say and think is, I am here for today. I can't promise about tomorrow.

I live for others too. Right now, I can continue to do for. When my pain gets so bad I can't keep my promise, I know Stan will understand.

 

[porfin1234]

Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you love and light.. I hope you find some peace from your troubles.

 

[MysticPerception]

Reading that actually made me tear up. That's so sweet of him. I honestly wish I had someone like that in my life. Hopefully you don't ever feel the need to use your SN and with him by your side your existential depression will eventually take a back seat while you focus on raising your child with him.

 

[Sunshine]

If you always had chronic existential crisis/existential depression, why did you figure it would be a good idea to put a child into this world and possibly pass on your depressed genetics and expose them existential dread to and even worse if you end up killing yourself and traumatize the child? I'm 100% for you having the freedom to die if you want to, but I don't understand why people who are broken like us would force children into this stupid world.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

Last night made a difference, I can't CTB no matter how much I want to (I'm a solid 8 on a 1-10 scale of how suicidal I am). I mean to keep my promise. We've been together for 12 years, it was love at first sight when we met at our college new student orientation; next week will be our 5 yr marriage anniversary. I don't live for myself anyway

!!!

:)

 

[Skyview]

You have someone who cares for you and understands, that is priceless. A problem shared is a problem halved or so it goes , many others have to keep their thoughts private and put on a mask everyday .
I wish you nothing but success as you move forward , take care

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If you always had chronic existential crisis/existential depression, why did you figure it would be a good idea to put a child into this world and possibly pass on your depressed genetics and expose them existential dread to and even worse if you end up killing yourself and traumatize the child? I'm 100% for you having the freedom to die if you want to, but I don't understand why people who are broken like us would force children into this stupid world.

Respectfully, the OP has been very vulnerable in sharing her experience.

I suspect you have frustrations and I honor that. But this thread is about her and her need for support.

Perhaps you could start another thread to discuss your frustrations. In fact there has been one active in the past few days.

Spoken with intentions of respect and peace.

 

[Jean4]

Respectfully, the OP has been very vulnerable in sharing her experience.

I suspect you have frustrations and I honor that. But this thread is about her and her need for support.

Perhaps you could start another thread to discuss your frustrations. In fact there has been one active in the past few days.

Spoken with intentions of respect and peace.

Agreed. We are totally non judgmental here. Certain topics trigger us, which is normal. Personally, I will just stay away from those threads.

My life is screwed up. My actions have been judged my entire life. No, not everyone will agree with me. It's fine. It's my life, and I take responsibility for my actions.

No judgment of anybody here, if one disagrees with a person's choices. It's the individuals life to do as they choose. Even if it's something we personally wouldn't do.

I won't eat spicy food. I'm not going to tell you not to. ;)

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

If you always had chronic existential crisis/existential depression, why did you figure it would be a good idea to put a child into this world and possibly pass on your depressed genetics and expose them existential dread to and even worse if you end up killing yourself and traumatize the child? I'm 100% for you having the freedom to die if you want to, but I don't understand why people who are broken like us would force children into this stupid world.

Probably because until we die we're still alive. Personally I don't consider myself broken, just troubled, and if I had a child I'd be living for that child. Just because someone feels this way doesn't mean that's the sum of their existence, and unless you can somehow live inside the mind of another person you don't know all facets of their life, so how can you judge their choices, unless you're perfect in every way with no flaws of your own. You can feel broken if you want to but it's kind of a shitty thing to call other people. If you have to pay a guilt trip why don't you lay it in the mirror? Stones in glass houses.

 

[terry_a_davis]

OP i hope you don't ctb till you're atleast 90 with a terminal disease or something, you have a husband and child to live for, it would devastate them.

 

[Sunshine]

Respectfully, the OP has been very vulnerable in sharing her experience.

Agreed. We are totally non judgmental here. Certain topics trigger us, which is normal. Personally, I will just stay away from those threads.

I respect OP but as far as I'm aware I'm also allowed to express worries, curiosity or disagreement with a situation. If she said, she doesn't want to talk about it or it's none of my business then that's perfectly reasonable and I would leave it at that. Personally, it is very difficult for me to understand what lead someone to feel like condemning an innocent child to this world especially if their eyes are opened to how meaningless existence is, as she said hers are so I felt I had the situation to ask directly.

Probably because until we die we're still alive. Personally I don't consider myself broken, just troubled, and if I had a child I'd be living for that child.

We can agree to disagree. I think troubled people (like myself) who suffer from severe depression and suicidal ideation should not have children. It's the biggest responsibility a person can have. And science confirms that there is a big genetic risk to pass this on and the risk you may permanently traumatize your child if you leave this life.

Suffering sucks and the reason why I ask or speak is not to "judge" but to understand the motives and how we can prevent further suffering. And as I see it, not having children if you are existentially suicidal is one way to decrease passing this on in some way.

But either way, I won't say anything further about this unless OP wants to talk about it. Consider this my last posts and I hope things will turn out well.

 

[HadEnough1974]

Yesterday my hubby took the trash out when I was bathing the baby - 99% of the time it's me who does such chores. He saw a USPS priority mail envelope in the trash bag with the sender being "Professor Fullwood." He asked casually whether it was from one of my college or med school professors. I said no. Then he asked who that was. I said it was a company's name, not a person's name. He asked what company. I said a chemical company. He asked why I had a packaged from a chemical company. I then stammered for a few seconds, said the stuff could be used to make bacon. He asked why not buy bacon. I said the bacon sold in grocery stores is made out of pig's belly, but I want pig buttock bacon. He gave me this "oh come on" look. Then I had no choice but to tell him it's poison. FYI, I only hide stuff from my hubby, but I don't lie to him.

He then buried his face in his hands, speechless. When he lifted his face up, tears were streaming down his face. I don't remember the last time I saw him cry, must have been over 8 years ago. He didn't even cry once, well at least in front of me, when his first two startups failed.

He always knew I had chronic existential crisis/existential depression and suicidal ideation. But this time, he interpreted me buying poison as a strong suicidal intent.

I explained I want to have full autonomy over my death, and my biggest fear is being kept alive in agony against my will from natural death. I assured him I have no intent, only ideation, that having poison readily available just eases my mind and calms my nerves, that I won't leave my family behind or evade my duties to them. He didn't buy it and said his biggest fear is losing me.

I figured the conversation wouldn't end soon, and it was the baby's bedtime, so I went ahead and put the baby to bed while thinking hard about how to console him. By the time I went back to my hubby, there was a half-empty 1.5L margarita bottle on the table. I found him curled up into a ball by the corner of the couch, drunk and sobbing quietly. He rarely drinks alcohol simply because he doesn't like the taste of it. I'm used to his stoic and "having everything under control" composure, so seeing him so vulnerable broke my heart and I burst into tears.

He dragged me to the couch, cradled me in his arms really tight, bit too tight actually. He lifted my chin up and we locked eyes. He stared at me with such intensity it felt like he was staring into my soul, then he said, "Let me make this clear again, if you die, I'll kill myself right away. I can't stop you, but I'll follow wherever you go, in this life, and the next. You're more important than anything. Without you, my life loses all colors and means nothing." I then swore and promised, again and again, that I have no intent, and we'll watch the baby grow up and we grow old together.

What followed was him caressing and kissing every part of me, telling me how much he loves me in many different ways, including repeating the vows he said when we got married that he'll honor, love, support and cherish me for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. Then I chugged down the other half of the margarita, had the most passionate drunk sex with him twice in a row. I wish he was gentler but I didn't want to be a buzz killer, so I let him go at it however he wanted. I had to take painkillers afterward. Thank god the baby got woken by the noises and I had to put her back to sleep; I doubt I could take round three. Eventually, he hugged me to sleep.

I agreed to move the SN to a bank safety deposit box and not leave any poison at home. I'm glad my hubby didn't ask how much SN I bought - I stashed away enough to put down the entire Gotham City. Last night made a difference, I can't CTB no matter how much I want to (I'm a solid 8 on a 1-10 scale of how suicidal I am). I mean to keep my promise. We've been together for 12 years, it was love at first sight when we met at our college new student orientation; next week will be our 5 yr marriage anniversary. I don't live for myself anyway.

I live for others too. I feel you. May you find peace.

 

[Quarky00]

Damn it , I knew it!

"might find a few" could be damning, careful.

Sharing the distress you must have felt -- and worried about you being careful

Serious rollercoaster there , but glad you reaffirmed your love , and cherish it . Your unique deep connection is extremely rare . You are like two souls connected together , following each other .

Other than your conclusion (and the usual empty void) how are you feeling?

 

[Starrywaters]

You sound deeply cherished by your husband and that in itself is a wonderful thing. It's easy in life to carry burdens of not thinking we bring enough to the world.. a loss of self identity or feeling as though nobody would notice is common in people who suffer with suicidal feelings; having somebody like your husband express so openly that you are loved it's genuinely touching.

What I would note is that your message has some snippets that concern me a little. You mention him hugging you too tightly.. that your sex was a little rough and that you had to take some painkillers. You should express those feelings, I appreciate you don't want to 'be a buzz kill' as you say but your welfare and wants are just as important, I'm confident he would be very distressed to note those were your feelings.

People have different ways of expressing emotion and love. Perhaps his is to go 'hard' with tight hugs and the such but it strikes me you might prefer a gentler touch so you should try and find a happy medium there.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I respect OP but as far as I'm aware I'm also allowed to express worries, curiosity or disagreement with a situation. If she said, she doesn't want to talk about it or it's none of my business then that's perfectly reasonable and I would leave it at that. Personally, it is very difficult for me to understand what lead someone to feel like condemning an innocent child to this world especially if their eyes are opened to how meaningless existence is, as she said hers are so I felt I had the situation to ask directly.



We can agree to disagree. I think troubled people (like myself) who suffer from severe depression and suicidal ideation should not have children. It's the biggest responsibility a person can have. And science confirms that there is a big genetic risk to pass this on and the risk you may permanently traumatize your child if you leave this life.

Suffering sucks and the reason why I ask or speak is not to "judge" but to understand the motives and how we can prevent further suffering. And as I see it, not having children if you are existentially suicidal is one way to decrease passing this on in some way.

But either way, I won't say anything further about this unless OP wants to talk about it. Consider this my last posts and I hope things will turn out well.

As I said, I respect you.

If you choose for this to be your last post then I honor your choice. No one expects it of you, though. SS is a supportive environment for working through conflicts with dialogue.

This is definitely a place where people have conversations. In my experience of forums in general, when an OP posts a topic, it creates expectations for how the conversation they created will go.

If there is a reaction or response that does not fit with the implied intentions of the conversation, there is space to create a new one and express that without invalidating another.

The OP made a life decision with which you take exception. Your response to that was to condemn her decision and her. It is hard to recover and heal in an environment of condemnation.

I don't think there's any one of us, including you, who hasn't been suffering only to be told what you should have done and that you are inherently wrong for not doing so. I cannot speak to your lived experience, but in my own, I have felt negated, invalidated, and injured by such a response.

Your reaction - and you - are valid. There is space on SS to express them without causing harm to another, which I assume was not your intention. What I observe is that you likely were addressing your own harm.

Again, I speak with intentions of respect and peace, including your peace.

You sound deeply cherished by your husband and that in itself is a wonderful thing. It's easy in life to carry burdens of not thinking we bring enough to the world.. a loss of self identity or feeling as though nobody would notice is common in people who suffer with suicidal feelings; having somebody like your husband express so openly that you are loved it's genuinely touching.

What I would note is that your message has some snippets that concern me a little. You mention him hugging you too tightly.. that your sex was a little rough and that you had to take some painkillers. You should express those feelings, I appreciate you don't want to 'be a buzz kill' as you say but your welfare and wants are just as important, I'm confident he would be very distressed to note those were your feelings.

People have different ways of expressing emotion and love. Perhaps his is to go 'hard' with tight hugs and the such but it strikes me you might prefer a gentler touch so you should try and find a happy medium there.

I really appreciate you brought this up as I did not know how. I appreciate your cautious and respectful approach.

If it's all right with you and the OP @nitrogen, I'll add my complementary stance here in my own style. I try to combine directness, respect, and compassion.

The red flags I felt when I read the OP were in response to the husband's hard hugs, sex which caused physical pain, and his placing upon the OP responsibility for his actual life. Only he is responsible for that, just as only the OP is responsible for her decision to live or to not.

Red flags indicate to me danger.

I think with a little distance from the multitude of events of last night, OP will have the space to consider each thing that occurred. To consider what was healing and what felt not healing.

I appreciate that those within close relationships have responsibilities to one another. The OP's husband has a responsibility to not assault her. He has the responsibility for deciding whether to live or die.

I think the situation creates opportunities for communication and growth as individuals and as a couple. Many issues came up which need to be addressed so that they don't escalate to a point they are beyond control: possessing the means to ctb, the intention that the means address, violent responses, and emotional blackmail to control the OP's future actions.

OP, respectfully, you are not an action figure to throw around without chance of injury, or to be directed how to act. You are not his toy. You are your own person, and he is his own person.

It seems you were acting autonomously, and it was curtailed.

Just because you don't live for you doesn't mean your life and your body are not your own.

I hope that there is safe space between you to work all of these things out.

 

[nitrogen]

Other than your conclusion (and the usual empty void) how are you feeling?

Feeling sick and the usual void. The baby caught a cold from her daycare, passed it on to me. I was avoiding intimacy with my hubby so he wouldn't catch the bug. He ignored my warning and stuck his tongue down my throat, so without a doubt, he woke up with a sore throat this morning. The three of us have been taking turns drinking cough syrup today.

I honestly wish I had someone like that in my life. Hopefully you don't ever feel the need to use your SN and with him by your side your existential depression will eventually take a back seat while you focus on raising your child with him.

Having someone like that in my life is both a blessing and a curse. I'm trapped in this world. With existential depression, I question reality, question the meaning of everything, question my very existence. My daily life blurs into a never-ending dream, and no matter how sweet some moments are, there's always this nightmarish undertone.

I am a 8 on a daily basis too. I made my promise to Stan not to follow him

On many days, I'm a 10. Did you and Stan ever meet in real life? I notice you're from the US and he's from the UK.

why did you figure it would be a good idea to put a child into this world and possibly pass on your depressed genetics and expose them existential dread to and even worse if you end up killing yourself and traumatize the child?

Having the child is my biggest regret by far. I only realized that after having her. My mom and the rest of the family kinda talked me into it. At this point, I have no choice but to raise her and give her the best I c, desperately hoping she'll find joy and fulfillment in her life.

so I felt I had the situation to ask directly.

It's ok. You can ask. It's not like I don't post controversial stuff on this forum.

You should express those feelings, I appreciate you don't want to 'be a buzz kill' as you say but your welfare and wants are just as important, I'm confident he would be very distressed to note those were your feelings.

Normally, I do express those feelings. I often remind him not to go too deep. Last night was an exception. Imagine he said he wanted to be close to me and was passionately expressing his love for me, then in the middle of it, I tell him (or his dick) to keep a bit distance.

It is hard to recover and heal in an environment of condemnation.

There's no hope for me to recover and heal. CTB is the only thing that's constantly on my mind, suicide has been the theme of my life for the last 10 yrs. My existential depression is immune to therapy. The antidepressants I'm on only help take the edge off a bit. Funny thing is, since I became a member of this forum, I only check out suicide and offtopic discussions but I've never clicked in recovery discussions.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Hi. I had a similar experience last week. And I understand how you're feeling. You are not alone in this.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/my-sn-has-been-found.29916/

 

[Starrywaters]

Feeling sick and the usual void. The baby caught a cold from her daycare, passed it on to me. I was avoiding intimacy with my hubby so he wouldn't catch the bug. He ignored my warning and stuck his tongue down my throat, so without a doubt, he woke up with a sore throat this morning. The three of us have been taking turns drinking cough syrup today.


Having someone like that in my life is both a blessing and a curse. I'm trapped in this world. With existential depression, I question reality, question the meaning of everything, question my very existence. My daily life blurs into a never-ending dream, and no matter how sweet some moments are, there's always this nightmarish undertone.


On many days, I'm a 10. Did you and Stan ever meet in real life? I notice you're from the US and he's from the UK.


Having the child is my biggest regret by far. I only realized that after having her. My mom and the rest of the family kinda talked me into it. At this point, I have no choice but to raise her and give her the best I c, desperately hoping she'll find joy and fulfillment in her life.


It's ok. You can ask. It's not like I don't post controversial stuff on this forum.


Normally, I do express those feelings. I often remind him not to go too deep. Last night was an exception. Imagine he said he wanted to be close to me and was passionately expressing his love for me, then in the middle of it, I tell him (or his dick) to keep a bit distance.


There's no hope for me to recover and heal. CTB is the only thing that's constantly on my mind, suicide has been the theme of my life for the last 10 yrs. My existential depression is immune to therapy. The antidepressants I'm on only help take the edge off a bit. Funny thing is, since I became a member of this forum, I only check out suicide and offtopic discussions but I've never clicked in recovery discussions.

That's fair, I just wanted to make sure you are looking after yourself :) it's important that you get the emotional and sexual support and encounters that are important to you as well as important to him x

 

[TAW122]

This is quite a touching story and I'm sorry to hear about what has happened. Just make sure that you don't lose your SN and also make sure that wherever you are storing the substance that it doesn't go bad (I didn't really read up much on storage conditions) and that where you are storing it (e.g. a bank vault) allows it (certain places may forbid certain chemicals, poisons, and what not). Anyways, I wish you and your husband peace.

 

[MysticPerception]

Having someone like that in my life is both a blessing and a curse. I'm trapped in this world. With existential depression, I question reality, question the meaning of everything, question my very existence. My daily life blurs into a never-ending dream, and no matter how sweet some moments are, there's always this nightmarish undertone.

I understand the feeling completely. It feels like no matter what it's still there creeping up on me in the back of my mind. I'm sorry you're forced to put up with it no matter what you do. At least it's not forever, we all die eventually one way or another.

 

[Naysha]

As someone with existential crisis I have utmost understanding and also have very, close person I know since childhood. However my antinatalism is kinda showing, why have baby? If you know that child will probably go through maybe even the same existential fear. Like my mom had it once too, she told me when she had me it disappeared and now here I am, hating and loving existence at the same time and unlikely of making it into old age. I am sorry if I am inconsiderate, it just slightly upsets me, especially when you have the same problem which in my life caused me not to ever have child because I love them too much to suffer like me and like every human being was I to bring them to existence.

 

[nitrogen]

The red flags I felt when I read the OP were in response to the husband's hard hugs, sex which caused physical pain,

Just saw the second part of your post. There was no violence involved. It's a length/size incompatibility thing.

I think the situation creates opportunities for communication and growth as individuals and as a couple. Many issues came up which need to be addressed so that they don't escalate to a point they are beyond control:

Excellent point.

now here I am, hating and loving existence at the same time and unlikely of making it into old age.

Yup, sounds like me.

I am sorry if I am inconsiderate, it just slightly upsets me, especially when you have the same problem which in my life caused me not to ever have child

Don't worry about it. I deeply regret the decision of having a child. My family kinda talked me into it so I wavered and lost my determination. It was ultimately me who made the poor decision and I have myself to blame. But the child is already born, what else can I do about it besides dealing with the grave consequences that will last for decades? I may be fucked up, but I've always been a responsible person.

 

[Secrets1]

Rooting for you and big fan of this update! Since youre committed to coping allowing your partner in to support what's really happening, accident or not, seems like a plus.

Especially since you probably ran circles around the dbt T . Ironically I did similar for that therapy I was so hopeful for.. caused a shitstorm and impulse fired my T

 

[Nnana]

While I'm pro-choice and I respect anybody's reason to ctb, I think I could live despite of existential depression. Too bad my problems are intense physical, emotional, psychological suffering and make my living very hard. Anyway, I think you should try living for your husband and daughter. Remember that you don't need a reason to live, there's nothing inherently sad about life's meaninglessness. Have fun, enjoy good moments, find your own subjective purpose, just don't stare into the void of life, it'll take you nowhere.

 

[Cevapcici]

If you always had chronic existential crisis/existential depression, why did you figure it would be a good idea to put a child into this world and possibly pass on your depressed genetics and expose them existential dread to and even worse if you end up killing yourself and traumatize the child? I'm 100% for you having the freedom to die if you want to, but I don't understand why people who are broken like us would force children into this stupid world.

You know , maybe, she wasn't AS broken back then, or simply thought to herself " things will get better" because they WERE getting better at some point - and decided to have children....well all go through ups and downs, but some people's ups are so high that, they feel like the pain is over, then, bad life circumstances strike them back.

I'm sure she probably already feels guilty about the whole situation... It's easy to judge but we really don't know how it all came down to this

To OP : You seem to love , and enjoy each other so much, why would you want to shorten your time left on earth if you have someone who cares so much about you in your life.... and a beautiful baby on top of that. I don't get it, but I can't since I'm not " genetically predisposed " to depression... You seem to be living a happy and meaningful life , it's gonna end eventually, but why wouldn't you want to enjoy some more time with someone who's genuinely caring and apparently faithful ... ?

 

[lambgf]

I don't mean to sound malicious and I have absolutely nothing against you, but your post filled me with so much anguish and anger. If I had someone that loved me as much as your husband loves you I wouldn't want to die. Sometimes loneliness hurts so much that I can barely hold myself together.

 

[Ghost2211]

My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you're so trapped feeling. Someone caring that much is awesome and horrible, as it can feel good but also like chains. People finding out about the SN is the worst. Its uncomfortable and awkward to say the least. On the plus side he didn't force the choice for you. He didn't throw it away or call to have you put on suicide watch. It shows how much he loves you that he will let you make your own choices.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I came here initially when life became too unbearable, so I wanted to research some painless methods in order to ctb. Also to cope with my own existence for a while until all my responsibilities financially have been met. It just helps to remind myself daily I'm not alone in this torment until my specific day of the end.