How to want to get better

[rizleechboy]

I've been depressed/suicidal on and off for years and at this point my close friends answer whenever I talk about is that I should go to therapy. But I don't know. When I think about it, I don't want myself to get better. I want myself to die. I have no friends where I live now and that's a big factor at the moment, but even when I had friends irl I was still suicidal. Maybe I'm just too scared to fully commit to living. It's also that I don't feel like I have any personality past this. I just don't feel any motivation to actively choose to seek help. It does genuinely feel easier to let myself attempt and get hospitalized and then receive help. Then it's not in my hands, it's just put upon me. I think I don't like myself enough to get better for myself. I don't know.

 

[platypusfan]

For me it really came with time, but also understanding why I felt like that. I never put extreme effort into improvement until now, so it took awhile. Like you said, it mostly was the fear of living. Also, the fear that things genuinely can't get better, because once you start recovery you might realize even more things about life you don't like, so it is terrifying. There's also the effort, especially when there's no motivation for just basic things, something that big is hard. And the fact that there is no guarantee to a better life, so it seems logical to give up. Part of it is also how you get so used to being depressed, you don't believe there is any other option. It just seems like the list keeps going, there's definitely a lot of reasons out of your control as to why you might feel like that, but that doesn't mean it is guaranteed to be like that forever. For me, once it just kept getting worse there was like a breaking point to wanting to try anything to recover. So then after that, something that helped me want to recover was focusing on the little things, like good food, a nice book, cool looking plants.. small stuff like that, even if it doesn't make me happy anymore, it used to so I know it's possible. So if there is anything you feel drawn to just focus on that. Use it as like a reminder that there are more things in life that can become special like that. Also, try looking at it as a cool thing to do. Like in shows and movies, characters are always badass for facing their fears, look at it like that. Since it likely stems from fears, the desire to recover is like a battle against your fears. Pretend reaching out for help is like fighting a dragon. Also, it seems like the negatives outweigh the positives when it comes to wanting to recover, but really most things in life are like that, and that has never meant it will definitely end negatively. So it is worth a try, and the fact that you made this post means it is somewhere in you.

 

[moondazed]

When I think about it, I don't want myself to get better.

I fight with this all the time. I've wondered if I just feel safer in misery, like it's a familiar friend and I understand it and it understands me.